My Body Electric

(March 31, 2019)

I was 35 when I began writing this blog. I am 48, soon to be 49, now.

At 35, my body underwent what I can only assume to be some bizarro hormonal change. My deodorant stopped working and I moved into the "perpetual hot" phase of my life.  I've mentioned before that I have the windows wide open year round in my room.

At work, in lecture, I start to fan myself as I meander, gesticulating wildly.  I climb up on counters to open the windows that should never be open but god damn it, I am a woman of a certain age and woe betide the human male who tells me to close the window.

I had always imagined myself sailing gracefully through the end of my fertility, having started this when I was 12. I would do it all natural!

Um, fuck no.

Last summer, I'd finally had enough of the bullshit. I was having two periods a MONTH. Two full fucking periods a month. What was this fuckery? I was supposed to be slowing DOWN, not ramping up.  I would wake up drenched, despite my frigid room.  My boobs hurt. Like puberty hurt and all the time because I was constantly having periods. I also was having month long cramping. Like the first day of your period, but all month long.  The amount of ibuprofen and naproxen I was taking was, frankly, terrifying.  I could clear out a 180 liqui-gels out every month.

I finally went to my doctor and said "I am over this shit". Now, remember, in 2005 I'd vowed to be hormone/birth control free mainly because we suspected it had contributed to my depressions.  Now in 2019, I was all "give me the pills". What the fuck did I know then? Nothing.

They helped. Oh, and CDB oil helped too. Non-THC version, but completely controls the cramps with only minor ( like three) ibuprofen help.

I am still peri-menopausal so there is more to come, but it is more bearable. Ladies, for those of you not at this stage of life? Think back  to the emotional and physical tumult of puberty. It's like that, but you have a fully adult brain and still can't stop the emotion flowing out of you. It's a treat.

I also had a bipolar episode from August to late November. Wheeeeee! That's really fucking inconvenient. Once I'd acknowledged that something was wrong and gotten myself to a new psychiatrist, we started a new medication that slowly brought me to center. I still have little flares, but I recover from them much faster.

Of course, when you are in a bipolar episode your attention to your blood sugars is shit. So there is that. I am slowly trying to bring all of this together. In January I told my GP "Yeah, I know I've gained weight and my Blood sugars are kind of shit, but I just can't manage everything right now."

Then there was the endless snow from January until mid March.  We had snow drifts up to my tits.  Not cool.

The amount of pills I take morning and night have become a running joke in our house. I have a GIANT pill organizer to keep track of the various medications that keep me from becoming a diabetic hormonal monster.

Can you believe this behemoth?

Terrance, this morning, was moaning about aches in his fingers. He held his hands out for me to inspect. I said, "That's what happens when you think that you are invincible in your 20's!" 

I may have added in a "motherfucker" because he has a wife who swears like Samuel Jackson.

One strange and unexpected side effect of being with the same partner for 28 years is that you get to watch your own body, and that of your partner change.  I don't need to be a 25 year old woman. I like this aging body I inhabit. I am rounder. I gain weight, I lose weight.  The male gaze slides over me, which is delightful. 

I am coming to terms with this body. My body electric.

Update: October 2025

I finally made it through! Menopause! Woot! A year ago, after not sleeping (Danger! Danger!) and forgetting so many things and the occasional horrid period, I went to an OB/GYN who specialized in Menopause.  Did I mention the sweating? Not just hot flashes but all night sweating? Good god. Waking up drenched does not improve ones outlook on the day.  I was not above begging the aforementioned OB. DO SOMETHING!

While estrogen was no recommended due to the heart thing, I could have progesterone. It helped. I do  not think I am so special as to have no effects of menopause but I just didn't need so...many. The memory thing was what was maddening. I have always had an incredible memory so to forget what I was doing seconds after I stood up was a unique torture. 

The progesterone helped. Not a 100% fix but a little better.  At this point I take what I can get.

Annoying Child (Gimlet Eye August 2007)

This was what Terrance began to sing to Emily this evening, in response to one of her bazillion questions.

School starts on Thursday and it, frankly, can't get here soon enough. I mean the mood swings, the weeping, the snappishness....and then there is Emily's behavior.

Hah!

Upon describing my daughters overall persona to my mother this weekend, she shared that the two weeks before school started again was the time of year she seriously considered running away.

I completely know how she feels. It was a relief to go to work today simply to disentangle myself from my daughter.

For instance, a little vignette from my weekend....

I needed to rest on Friday. I had been awake for-evah and needed to just close my eyes. I announced that I was taking an hour to do this. Under no uncertain terms I declared this to be an hour Free of Child. Eye contact was made. Clarity of intent was communicated.

For good measure, I went to Emily's room and placed myself upon her bed. I closed my eyes. I breathed deeply. I know that she has no intention of coming into her OWN room. Oh no. She wants to be in MY room. I listen to the birds. I relax.

With a sixth sense which is uncanny, Emily senses the change in my brain waves.  She creeps into the room. I am not quite asleep and can hear her approach. She assess the situation. I can feel her making a decision. Her hand shoots out and rubs my leg.

I don't move.

She rubs a little harder.

I don't move.

She pauses and stares at me. She is watching me breathe.

She makes her decision.

Unzipping her ViewMaster slide case ( but muffled - so I won't hear it), she removes the slides and begins to line them up the side of my body starting at my feet. One by one - edge to edge, she lines up the round disks on my body. She gets to my chest and shoves a couple into my yoga top, then covers my arm.

She steps back and assess her handiwork. She is pleased.

I consider leaping up and scaring the crap out of her. That would be funny. But I don't.

Instead I say from under my pillow:

"What exactly are you doing to my body?"

She starts to laugh. She is totally busted. She tries to pretend she is not in the bedroom TRYING to wake me up.

After several attempts at some lame story, she finally confesses. It was too quiet. She wanted me awake.

Yes. The realm of "annoying child" has been reached.

August 27, 2007 Gimlet Eye