There are lots of stories running through my brain. Like a woman in the 39th week of pregnancy, I can feel them kicking and rolling inside me. I wake up and they are there, waiting for my attention - some more patiently than others.
And yet, like the dreamy stupor I recall from the last days of my pregnancy with Emily, I am both hoping they get here...dreading the effort and work of getting them out and oddly unmotivated to do anything.
So I sit. And wait.
Writing was almost never difficult for me. I mean, I almost never write a draft of something and nearly all of my posts on all of the blogs spring, fully formed from the ether of my brain. As if they had just been waiting to be set free.
With my last depression "episode", writing became locked down. Maximum security. No one gets in, no one gets out. There may have been a shanking on level 4 - we're still sorting through the bodies.
And for a little while it lifted. Things became looser, and I thought - Ah. Yes. It will all flow again now. So I waited some more. And there were trickles. Spontaneous writing sessions where I accomplished what for some takes months of writing in an hour. Then the tumbleweeds blew in again and I stood in the main street of my brain hoping to see some movement by the saloon door.
I know the stories are in there. I know the information is in there. Both in my personal and professional writing lives...which also still seems funny in my mouth. Professional writing life. Which is different from my personal writing life. I know you know what I mean, right?
The best news is that I am on the cusp of it. The signs are aligning. I was able to write something for a conference proposal with my Supervising Professor and Research Lead. Her gentle way of maneuvering me through my writing block has been helpful beyond description. It is always bits she asks for - 2 paragraphs here. An abstract there...which becomes a page. or two. And this is how she is guiding me through piecing together my comps and dissertation. "Come on", she will say to me on the drive to the research site, "You have all the knowledge you need in there - explain it to me."
The other signs - That I have been able to keep up with taking the photograph every day for the Envisage 365 project, and that I am seeing again. Seeing the things around me. More than that, I am looking.
My desire to quilt has returned. My desire to MAKE has returned. I made Em's Halloween costume this season, and followed it with a hat. A hat that I decided since I can't knit, I would take the skills I do have - Braiding rugs - and use the fancy yarn to braid and stitch a hat. And What a hat it is. Like an orphan from the Parliament Funkadelic Mothership. I half expect George Clinton to knock on the door and snatch the hat from my head.
So I continue to wait for my Athena, with the portents all indicating that the arrival is soon.