At the risk of sounding like a complete and utter bummer, its been a hard week.
Things that have been laying like embers in the charcoal of my marriage have flared up, and words were said.
Not untrue words, but ones that indicate a change must take place - for the sake of everyone.
And so I mourn...and swing to relief....and mourn some more...and then remember when I fell in love with Terrance and think that I want to change - I want that back...and then I realize that those moments were seen with the eyes of a 21 year old girl who was willing to forgive anything, and that I am now a 39 year old woman who must care for her daughter first, and then herself.
Like anything that nears the end of its life, there can be fingers pointed, blame assigned, scorecards tallied. There is no defined winner, no TKO. Neither of us gets our victory lap, and that is disconcerting. We win or we lose - so this middle space is unfamiliar - separated by doors in different bedrooms, and polite conversation on the phone or over dinner about our shared child.
We harden our shells in preparation for the next stage, trying to remain civil, while having to stay in place for the foreseeable future.