Embers

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

At the risk of sounding like a complete and utter bummer, its been a hard week.

Things that have been laying like embers in the charcoal of my marriage have flared up, and words were said.

Not untrue words, but ones that indicate a change must take place - for the sake of everyone.

And so I mourn...and swing to relief....and mourn some more...and then remember when I fell in love with Terrance and think that I want to change - I want that back...and then I realize that those moments were seen with the eyes of a 21 year old girl who was willing to forgive anything, and that I am now a 39 year old woman who must care for her daughter first, and then herself.

Like anything that nears the end of its life, there can be fingers pointed, blame assigned, scorecards tallied. There is no defined winner, no TKO. Neither of us gets our victory lap, and that is disconcerting. We win or we lose - so this middle space is unfamiliar - separated by doors in different bedrooms, and polite conversation on the phone or over dinner about our shared child.

We harden our shells in preparation for the next stage, trying to remain civil, while having to stay in place for the foreseeable future.

17 Baleful Regards:

Andey said...

(((hugs)))

Shay said...

Oh honey, I'm sorry. (((big hugs)))

Karen Sugarpants said...

I'm sorry.
xo

A Crone Too Soon said...

Know that you are loved and cared about Dawn, even if those who have you in their thoughts are miles and miles away. After reading your blog for some time now, I am positive you can (and will) do what is best for YOU. Once you accomplish that, your daughter's needs and everything else will come into line.

I'm sending you strength and a zillion positive thoughts. Take good care, and love yourself.

MOCK! said...

I know it sounds trite, but I am thinking of you...

2amsomewhere said...

As someone who saw a disintegration in his own marriage a couple years ago, driven by the space between the desire to have what I thought once was versus how thing really were, I know this has gotta be rough.

I also know that from reading your blog you have learned enough from your child- and adulthood experiences to make wise decisions on matters so large.

My only wish for you is that your resilience matches the depth of that wisdom, so that you grow from the journey, wherever it might lead you.

--
2amsomewhere

Jennifer said...

I guess I'm in the denial stage... I'm so sad by what I think I just read. Are you *sure* this is something that has "neared the end of its life", or is it a battle that has been long fought but never aired?

Part of me wants to tell you not to give up just yet, but obviously I don't know your circumstances.

:(

It's weird how I can be so sad for someone who I only "know" from the interwebs.

fraulein_n said...

I'm very sorry, Dawn.

Madeleine said...

Sending hugs. Hoping you find an answer that works for all of you.

Monica said...

I'm so sorry :(

Bethany said...

I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

I'm there too and understand.

SUEB0B said...

Hug.

jeanie said...

Oh Dawn - lots of hugs.

velocibadgergirl said...

Adding my hugs and thoughts for you to the pot. I wish you strength and guidance, and the knowledge that you are never alone...

Mitzi Green said...

oh, shit.

rozydesouza said...

thanks for sharing...


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Rozy desouza
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