Superstar in Training

Monday, June 28, 2010

Emily came home from the last day of school, her face all smooshed up.

"what's wrong?", I inquire cautiously. 

The face she is making is the one she does before launching into her diatribe of who has done her wrong and how. A Pre-teen country song, all in one. Since her grievances may include "Wouldn't sit with me at lunch" and/or "Told me I wasn't funny" right down to "Said my shorts fit weird", I am generally loathe to leap into the pool of angst.
She climbs onto the bed and sighs. Deeply.

"I was walking up to get my award today and I tripped and the whole school laughed. Even the Kindergarteners." She is indignant, but resigned.

"oh, Honey", I say. "Let me tell you what happened to me today..."

"I was out doing errands and hit the lock switch with my elbow, so the doors locked me into the car - which meant I had to climb in and out of the passenger side of the car - Which you know how Much I love doing as a 40 year old woman , crawling in and out of the side of a Hyandai, while trying not to knock over my iced coffee in the cup holder.."

She is starting to smile. 

"So, I had to go to the pharmacy to get something, so I pulled up and parked, and then figure out how I was going to get out of the car. As you can see, I am also wearing this lovely white skirt today, so I had to calculate how to get out of the car - IN the skirt vis a vis the passenger side of the vehicle. While I was thinking about this, I noticed an elderly woman asking for change at the front of the store. She looked hot and tired so I dug around in my purse until I found a toonie to give to her. Then I leaned over, opened the passenger door and slowly crawled out of the car."

"I start walking up to the woman and she asks me for change and I smile at her and lean down to give her the toonie. As I do this and turn to walk in the store, a gust of wind lifts my skirt completely up and shows my whole Ass to this elderly woman ....who says "Watch out for that back draft there"..."

Emily's eyes are wide and she starts to giggle. "She saw your underwear?", she asks.

"No, she saw my ASS, since I was wearing a thong, she got a view of my BIG WHITE ASS CHEEKS!"

There is hysterical laughing. 

"I mean, what could I do? I smiled and said "Whoa that was something - and walked into the store as fast as I could - then when I came back out, I had to walk back in front of her as she watched me climb into the drivers seat via the passengers seat and try to not flash her my ass AGAIN..."

My child is Guffawing.  I decide to continue -

"Did I ever mention the time I fell off the stage at Kindergarten graduation at Child care after I had you and jumped up with my arms up in the arm and said "I'M OK!? Or how about the time I stepped on the front of my prom gown and tore the front of the dress off BEFORE MY DATE GOT THERE - so your grandmother and a neighbor had to tape it up with surgical tape? Or when I fell down the stairs in high school in front of a bunch of people, while wearing vintage pumps and tore the heel off the shoe and didn't have any other shoes, so I had to limp around all day with one shoe with a ripped off stilleto heel and another normal 3 inch  shoe? And you were there when I tried to do the back flip in the lake and only ended up showing my boobs to the neighbor...."

Tears of hysteria are filling her eyes. She is rolling around on the bed.

"Oh, Mom. You always make me feel better...", she gasps.

"Honey - we aren't graceful people - but the best thing to do and just know that it happens to everyone and jump up and yell "SUPERSTAR!"

5 Baleful Regards:

Karen Bodkin said...

You are the awesomest parent ever. That was hilarious.

Sarah said...

I adore this story. The best!

Unknown said...

OMG that was funny. And I would love to have been a fly on the steering wheel.

I'm just sayin'.

Dried-on Milk said...

oh that's hilarious. i'm going to have to remember to come up with my "superstar" antics to cheer up my daughter one day.

Kelly said...

I like this, because not only did your daughter feel listened to, clearly, but you've shown her how we all have those moments of incredible embarrassment!

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