Narcissistic tantrum , deconstructed

Thursday, April 16, 2015

I have been waiting for it.

The angry outburst from my mother, the recriminations that I did not behave in the way she expected me to behave.

It's the pattern, of course.

My aunt killed herself in February. I mourn. Everyday.

When I talked to my aunt's husband in February, I asked him if *he* wanted a memorial service.  He laughed and said "Judy told me she never wanted a funeral. It was just a time for people you didn't really like to get together and talk shit about you."

I laughed when he said that - it sounds very much like my aunt.

Therefore, imagine my surprise when my mother informed my daughter that she was planning a memorial service for my aunt. A memorial that my aunt didn't want.

Of course, in the imaginary realm of a narcissistic person it doesn't matter what anyone else wants. There is no consideration given to the thoughts and needs and desires of others, so you will do what you want to do. This is true in everything, be it parenting or the wishes of your dead sister.

I talked to my Uncle once after my mother obliquely announced (through my daughter) that there was some memorial planned. He was not really on board, but my mother was rolling the train right on through regardless. I tried to tell him that he didn't have to participate in this, no matter what pressure my mother brought to bear. However, I know how single minded she can be.

I did not plan to attend the memorial in March. It wasn't what my aunt wanted. I was not playing obliquely games with my parent about who cared more, or whose grief was bigger. Just No.

So, I waited. I thought she would begin the assault on the day of the memorial, but forgot that she had the glory of the wounded sister to buoy her.  My mother is never more in her glory than when she is the victim, the bereaved, the wronged.

As my siblings have detached from her - one, by one, small spider balloons flying to safety - she has been the martyred, wronged mother. What did she do to deserve such ungrateful, selfish children? Can't everyone see how terrible her children are?

I cut her out after Terrance and I were going through a particularly hard time. As I was crying and telling her that I thought my marriage was over, she breezily said "Oh, that's too bad. Let me tell you about my new boyfriend."

It crystallized everything about our relationship.  It also sums up exactly the sort of insecure attachment that I am certain we had as infant and mother.

Infant Dawn: (Crying) I'm scared!
Mom: Let me tell you about how much harder my day was! And quit crying, it's annoying.

As a result of this attachment pattern, I retreat behind stoic silence. It is my bastion of safety. I say nothing, and she can't react. Show no emotion because the emotion will get you punished, in some way or the other.  Hide pain and vulnerability because it won't be recognized or fact, it will most likely be used against you at some later point.

Tonight, the shoe dropped after a month+ of waiting..  The first thing she tried was vague threats:

"Just to let you know I found lots of emails throughout Sis's stuff that implicated all three of you."

I read this as implicated us in her suicide which is, of course, ludicrous.  This is also a threat that she "knows" that my Aunt and I had a relationship in which we discussed my siblings and my relationship with her.  Um, Ok.  Yeah. My Aunt Judy and I discussed her parenting.  

Then some guilt:

I never had a much for loving children....hope the3⃣of you live happily ever after....I never deserved such hatred.... I did the best I could......


But here is my favorite bit:

Ps at least donnies wife sent me a sympathy card when my sister killed herself!! You and jessie did nothing!! Oh I'm sorry, is this taking too much energy from you?? I know you are so busy!! Your dint Judy was kind to you and you didn't even show up at her memorial? Pitiful!!

See all the masterful bullshit there? 

My mother slandered and was so disrespectful to my brothers wife that there has been no contact since BEFORE their wedding. My mother has never met her two grandsons, because my brother held the line and demanded an apology which my mother was never able to give. 

Guilt is in the middle of this shit sandwich. Also a provocation - because she is trying to get me to react in some way. My no contact has taken a toll on her. I don't feed her energy, so she picks and pokes at me until she hopes I do ANYTHING.  For those of you who remember the Great Facebook Banning, she employed this same technique - calling me names, berating me, telling me what a terrible daughter I was, taunting me to unfriend her, then saying that I was just like my father. The father who sexually abused me. I've also gotten messages about what a terrible mother I am with things I told her while I was in the middle of my terrible depressions.

Finally, I am a bad niece for not attending the memorial service to which I was never directly invited...(except a conversation she had with my 16 year old daughter) AND that my aunt didn't want. 

Sigh, again.

The saddest thing is that I love her. I really do. But she isn't healthy and can't find her way to understanding and accepting responsibility for her role in our particular family dysfunction. To do so would deconstruct her world so thoroughly as to obliterate her identity.  So I watch from afar as the molotov cocktails of my mothers words are lobbed at me. 

She would burn the world before looking inward.

I am not her kindling.

2 Baleful Regards:

Unknown said...

This post is PAINFULLY sad. I hope you will be able to tell your mother you love her, and hear the same back before it's too late.

Anonymous said...

How do you know you love her? That you really do?

I read this soon after it was posted and marked it for the "truth" that is was. I check back on Sundays regularly, but for some reason, today, I read it again.

After all of that, how do you know? What does it feel like?

◄Design by Pocket