Homeward Bound

Monday, October 16, 2023

 i may decide to write here more. Hard to say. 


#1 I am alive. Heart continues to heal and recover and do it's god damned job. One flare up of pericarditis...but I knew right away because I can feel the rub under my breastbone. May none of you EVER become so familiar with the feeling of pericarditis that you shoot off an email to your cardiologist to say "HEY! I am pretty sure my pericarditis has returned"

and then find yourself in a 7 am echocardiogram. It had returned and it was treated and I am Ok now, although Terrance has never stopped being the Heart failure police.

Mayo Clinic, it seems, does not fuck around. 

#2. I quit my job. Yep. Up and walked away from a tenured position. Why? because it was literally killing me. How many organs need to fail before you get the bag of dog shit on fire message left on your front door?

#3. As part of quitting said job, we moved back to Vermont. In January. I wouldn't recommend it. I also had to medicate an infamously skittish cat and then haul him cross country in three separate flights. I should have medicated myself too. If the gabapentin wasn't tuna flavored I might have thrown some down my throat.

#4 Housing in Vermont is really, really, really hard to find. The January part didn't help.  We had a massive three bedroom, 2.5 bath, with two car garage in Wisconsin. Backyard...the whole works. Vermont? About the size of what we lived in during our first years. TINY. We pay triple for this Vermont place.  TRIPLE!!

C'est la vie. We look for houses, or builders, or both.

#5 I have inexplicably become a woman who gets her nails done. As in I have standing appointments.  These are my real nails and they look amazing.  Who knew that at 53 I would suddenly morph into a lady with nice nails

#6 I have also become a woman who can't seem to finish things. Last episodes of shows, rugs...just things. It makes me too sad. Honestly. Terrance tried to get me to watch the end of Reservation Dogs with him and I flat out refused. Left the room. Began to cry when he came back into my bedroom because I couldn't bear to think that their lives became sad, or that one of the girls disappeared , or they died...

I think it is the weight of adulthood. 

#7 Hang on to your hair stylist. Tip them extravagantly. When you move and lose them it will take you 10 months to finally find someone who doesn't fuck up your colour.

#8 Find a job you like and that pays you what you are worth. Its nice. I also don't have to have an IV of Ativan to get through every meeting with a dean.

#9 Today, I finally got a consult with a psychiatrist. Yep, its taken almost 10 months.  She commented that Mayo sent an crazy number of pages in a medical file. I actually laughed. "I'm sure they did", I said. In whatever I must have filled out in May I wrote comments about the standard. questions. 

She reads "You wrote here that your childhood was .....stressful."

When I tell you that I guffawed. It was unseemly.  My response "That is the understatement of the century"

Otherwise I like her.

#10 Terrance and I celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary on October 5th. You don't - you can't - realize what it means when you marry.  I think if we did no one would do it. Standing there at my wise age of 26 and being so sure - so, so sure - that you know everything and that you will do it all right, and better and more perfect. 

But you don't. You can't. The best outcome you can hope for is that you like the people you become. Individually and together. There were easily 7 years in which I really, really did not like my husband. I don't say that to crow about how we made it through and look at us! No. It was hard and awful and I despaired. Our daughter got to watch that and it makes me endlessly sad that she had to witness that between two adults who love her.

Our marriage is peaceful. He brings me bouquets of flowers every Thursday because he knows it makes me happy.  We both work from home  - him full time and me three days a week. We just keep company. 

I think it is the best thing you can have.

P.S. Emily has a Master's degree. Historic Preservation, University of Vermont Dec 2022.  

3 Baleful Regards:

Fraulein N said...

I am so glad you are okay.

Also, Emily has a WHAT now?! How can time move that fast?

Dawn said...

I know, right? I have a 25 year old who has her own apartment. Although she still asks for dessert on the regular.

RavenRead said...

It's me, Becky. Little miss ESAD. It's been way too long. I've been thinking about you sometimes especially as I uncover my own childhood trauma. I wish you all the best. Also please listen to Allison Russell if you're not already. I'd love to see you but understand if that isn't something you want.

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