On behalf of the Mean Mommies

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Reprinted from my blog in the West Island Gazette


I am pleased to be before you accepting the "Meanest Mom in the whole wide world" Award. Words can hardly express the shock and honor I feel as I stand here, gripping this statuette of a weeping child.

The circumstances behind my nomination highlight the mercurial nature of the Academy of Disgruntled Children and their review process.

I will, however, give you a brief synopsis.

It was a Saturday morning, like most others. Sheets needed to be changed, laundry done, and folded. In addition, my husband asked our daughter to make her bed and pick up the "stuff" from her floor.

"I want to see all of the things on this floor picked up and put away", he said.

What she heard, however, was:

"I want you to take all of this stuff and shove it under, on, about, over and otherwise IN any other container/drawer/basket/bucket that is NOT the one in which it belongs."

Sadly, it was the initial and fundamental mis-interpretation which would ultimately lead us down the path whereby I am standing before you today.

I was in the shower when the first volley was fired across the parental bow.

Our daughter, operating under the second set of aforementioned statements, had shoved all of her toys, crayons, doll clothes, playmobil, lip balm, scarves, mittens, pencils and other bits and pieces into a wide variety of crevices.

Her father, a highly trained mess detector, walked into her room and immediately spied a bag with a myriad of items all shoved in. He called the child's attention to the bag, as evidence of her failure to accurately put her things away. He later opened her dresser drawers to find a hodge podge collection of socks (some dirty), underwear, school shirts and a forlorn mitten all rolled into one drawer.

I exited my shower in time to hear the child call her father a "Clean Freak" and that she could tell him "No" at any time. She was choosing this moment to tell him "NO!, NO! and NO!" She wasn't, she reminded him, HIS SLAVE.

"Oh dear", I think. "I better get my clothes on cause it is totally going down in there."

Following the next four hours, including lunch in her room, Emily was given the opportunity to re-present her cleaning efforts to her father and I.

I am sorry to say that it went very, very badly.

Her Father and I endured the accusations of being the meanest parents in the WHOLE WORLD. Parents who got JOY from torturing their only offspring, requiring her to put her things back where they belong. Parents who would not rest until things such as CRAYONS were placed back into the basket from which they had emerged.

Yes. We were those parents. Parents who required that dirty clothes NOT be mixed in with the clean clothes in her dresser. Parents who rejected the theory that "If I can stuff it into a Bag and then HIDE the bag in the closet so they can't see it" equated to actual cleaning.

In the days since the initial incident, additional demands have been lain upon the poor, beleaguered child. She is now called back into the bathroom to pick up the nightgown and underwear she has discarded and stepped over twice ( once while getting IN the shower, and once while getting out) to carry it the 15 steps to the hamper.

Spelling mistakes were pointed out and the child was told to correct them in a book report! Offensive Vegetables were placed upon her dinner plate!

Oh! The Horror!

So, it is in this spirit that I accept this award. I know other Mom's are as, if not more so, deserving of this recognition.

And Now I have to go and make my kid eat fruit salad instead of the ice cream she wants.

17 Baleful Regards:

iheartchocolate said...

They AREN'T our slaves???

Uh oh.

SUEB0B said...

Wow. Now I know someone famous!

Mitzi Green said...

my god, you are such a bitch. so glad am i not to be your offspring.

Anonymous said...

My goodness. I didn't know there were statues to be had! My children need to know where to go to get theirs to present to me.

yarnwhore said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mom101 said...

I can only assure you that dozens of other daughters are demanding a recount as we speak.

Violet the Verbose said...

HA HA HA HA HA! Well written. Loved your acceptance speech.

As a kid I used to pile my clothes on the foot of my lower bunk bed. Once when the pile reached the bottom of my sister's upper bunk I was required to sort the mess and put it away. My mom, former Meanest Mom in the Whole Wide World (1986 winner, I believe) did NOT appreciate it when I put the entire pile into the bathroom hamper and called it done.

Jaelithe said...

Oh, no. I stole that title from you when I went to New Jersey for 2.5 days, after my son told me in no uncertain terms that I was Not to Go. In fact, Isaac still occasionally insists I didn't actually come back from New Jersey as promised. He says I'm not his mother anymore; I'm a Not-Comer-Backer. I think this is supposed to be something like a pod person. Only, he still wants to sit on my lap when he is sleepy. Which one might think would be dangerous, if I were a pod person.

Woman with Kids said...

Congratulations! You must be so proud, please don't let the honor go to your head. Personally, I'm aiming for the "You've Ruined My Life" lifetime achievement award...

Keep up the good work.

Mignon said...

So what do you get for swag?

jeanie said...


Personally, I have never bested the "Dishonorable Mention" for giving Blue Bear (and the rest of the unplayed with toys in the box) to a charity when my daughter was only 2.

And my partner got a "Big Poo Poo Head" award for not giving in to a tantrum.

PSUMommy said...

Hi, I followed a convulated trail of links (I think starting at Self Portrait Challenge?) and found this post...LOVE it. I'm right there with you. How dare I not allow my 3-year-old to play alone in the creek across the street. Or allow my youngest to play with steak knives (I'm horrible, I know!). And to my 6-year-old, I am awful and she DOESN'T LIKE LIKE ME and wishes I would go away and never come back. Why? Well, I don't remember. Apparently, I just did it willy nilly, because it is oh so fun to be insulted.

I'm so mean.

La said...

Congrats on such an honor!

*going to pop a birth control pill* lol

Madeleine said...

Congrats on your new column! You've got great stuff up there already. C'est magnifique!

Anonymous said...

Perhaps when she is getting all sorts of worked up and declaring her just say no to lavery stance, that you produce a Bitty Baby shoe. I think sometimes she forgets who she's messing with.

Anonymous said...

OMG, were we twins separated at birth....this sounds like our house on a daily basis...

Suburban Gorgon said...

I had no idea you were such an evil troll! That poor kid....

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