The first hour

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

We've only spent an hour together, so I know it may be too soon to be hopeful.

But I liked you. I liked having that hour with you.

But more than that, I felt like maybe you could help me find a way out of this forest of shit I am dealing with at the moment.

I'm not entirely sure what it was - the way you kept track of the names I used, the way you did not look phased at some of the more shocking things I prance out at a first therapy meeting, the way you gently chided me for an action I deserved to be chided for and did not back down when I glared at you.

I mean - lets face it. I am a hell of an intimidating subject to take on. When you asked about my "history" and I started to laugh - finally saying "Do you want from birth - or simply the last three years?" - You took me head on. "Start with now" you said "and we'll work our way back." I've been in therapy for 19 years - that alone makes me more knowledgeable and self aware than some of the therapists I have interviewed.

You are tiny. I towered over you in my three inch heels. I also decided I hated your shoes and purse moments after you called me into your office. I can be a miserable judgemental bitch, you know. A pretentious snob, I believe is the name used.

Maybe it was when you nodded as I talked about my post partum experiences. Maybe it was when I talked about how I actively planned to kill my baby - but only held back because I didn't want to go to jail, not because I considered infanticide wrong and you didn't even lower your eyes.

Maybe it was when you asked why I had terminated the other three therapists and I told you - one didn't listen to me and was pushing lithium - one didn't challenge me enough - and one was all right, until I felt judged by him. He was the last one. Who had the good grace to at least look a little bashful when he saw me today.

I don't know. When you asked me at the end if I felt we could work well together....I was pleased. First - not a one of the others had asked that. You clearly respected my ability to judge what I needed as a patient...and it isn't a mother. I need a partner in this next part of my soul journey. It is going to be a hell of a rugged road - my resistance to going back to therapy coupled with my weird quirk of picking at spots on my skin until I am raw and bleeding which have kicked into high gear - indicate that I am ready - if not entirely willing to leap into this .

This next part is hard...and I know from hard. So when I say Hard I mean that while I want to work, I will most likely fight you - kicking and screaming - as you help me drag my sorry ass to the next level.

So I called for another appointment today, after three weeks of thinking about it. It was wise of you to leave it up to me to seek you out. I hope you're ready.

7 Baleful Regards:

Goddess of Madness said...

She sounds good. She is putting the onus on you. She will challenge you... and she will piss you off. My last\current therapist was like this and it was such a relief.

Unknown said...

I'm very happy for you. I know how hard it is to find a therapist/doctor who's right for you.

Site manager said...

Delurking to say, Good for you! She sounds wonderful, and God knows a really good therapist is hard to find. I have an image in my head of rock climbing...sounds like you are going to make a great team!

SUEB0B said...

I hope you do good work together.

Unknown said...

Good Luck, I know how gut wrenchingly hard counselling can be and I hope she is everyhthing you need in your journey.

Jennifer said...

There's nothing more wonderful than finding a therapist you "click" with and that "gets you" and that you feel comfortable with. And you probably know that studies show that the number 1 predictor of good therapeutic success is a good patient-client relationship. I'm very happy for you -- keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

I hope she's the one. Good luck and good progress.

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