Oil and Water

Friday, June 05, 2009

The tide rolls in, the tide rolls out - as we figure out what to do and how to proceed.

The odd euphoric calm that has come over each of us was unexpected. We're working better as a team than we have since the days of Emily's birth.

There are many things, in hindsight, always in hindsight, that were indicators that we would not be together forever.

My need for a nest, for a home, for roots...juxtaposed with his need to wander, to travel, to GO. Our oil and water combination could only be shaken so many times until we refused to merge.

My wait and see approach to the world next to his hypervigilance. My occasional retreats into the world of crazy and his baffled watching from outside my cave. My inability to bring what he found important to the forefront of my brain and his inability to give me the things I needed, even as he believed he WAS in fact giving me everything.

To me, the dishes could wait if a book was waiting to be read. The tub could stay funky for another day if the day was a good one to garden. The other things weren't as important as the now.

There were, of course, many other things that remain in our shared locked closet of the marriage.
They are not yet available for public consumption. I am not sure if they ever will be, and this is one of the reasons I am so sure that I can never know what goes on in anyone elses marriage.

And as I cried in the garden, sobbing, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry that it didn't turn out the way we hoped"...and he held me patting my back soothing me, we try to spin the ending so that we can both pick up and move on as whole people. A bit bruised, but not broken.

I hope I will be able to write about something else - wish for it. I apologize to any of you who read this for being so one note and kind of fucking depressing. Pushing this out of my head I hope to make room for the other things, and helps to keep the fear at bay.

11 Baleful Regards:

Shay said...

Don't appologize. Talk about it as much as you need. ((hugs))

Just a grail said...

you write about as much as you need too, and we will continue to read and cheer you on from the sidelines!

Sarah said...

While I am not married, nor do I have a child, I am in the process of splitting from my long-term boyfriend..we were together for nine years, and have lived together almost that entire time. While I know I am making the right decision, it still hurts...and I empathize and sympathize with you. Going through something of this caliber takes strength, which I feel you have in spades.

Fraulein N said...

I'm sorry.

iamagrownup said...

Don't apologize for needing to write about this. On my blog I spent a good 2 months posting about my divorce, almost every day. I needed it. It was helpful. You do what you need to.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with all this. It sucks. Sending love your way.

Bethany said...

This is your place. Do what you need to do.

srsr said...

Words cannot express. My heart goes out to the three of you.

gurukarm (@karma_musings) said...

Yes. What everyone else said. Write what you need to; people will read, or not. But dedicated readers won't ultimately desert you; you have too much of interest to share and give.

(I know from experience; another blog I follow spent a GREAT deal of time on sleep issues and breast-feeding woes. While I might have skimmed a lot of that, I still go back to her all the time.)

So, hugs, and shared sorrow. And hopes for sunlight ahead, for you all.

Nancy said...

We're here to listen and to provide whatever support you need.

Hugs to you.

Mitzi Green said...

the day you feel the need to apologize for something written on YOUR blog is a sad, sad day, indeed. apology not required nor expected. not from this bitch (who has written a lifetime's worth of "fucking depressing" stuff in the past few years, herself), anyway.

please take care of yourself.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

((hugs))

 
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