Nothing more than feelings

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Below is the post that I have had in draft since the 2007 BlogHer. I rarely leave my own blog cave anymore, and have only very,very recently started looking at other peoples blogs again.

Not because I don't love my true Bloggy Friends, but because well, I didn't like what the Blog world had become in 2007. I couldn't participate in what I was seeing. It horrified me then and I ran as fast and far as I could.

This is the conference where I watched True Wife get blatently ripped off and very, very few of my Blog "friends" stood by me. Some did, of course -( and you know who you are) and for that, you have my serious lifelong loyalty. I mean it. Karen, need a bottle of wine? I can drive it there. Izzy - you remain THE SHIT. Nancy, Jenn, Jess, and Tammy - we need a serious mini-blog-us long weekend.

In reading some of the recap posts across the net, I have had a hearty chuckle. Oh, the pots calling the collective kettles black. Great googley moogley. Some of these same outraged bloggers did the very same things in 2007. There didn't seem to be any outrage then. Well, maybe from me - who then got kind of kicked out of the "in crowd".

Listen. I hold no ill will towards people who make money from their writing - how ever they do it. I made my peace with where the Blog world was heading in 2007. As with any medium, the cream WILL rise. Women who are good writers will continue on as writers. Mommy-ness has not a good god damn thing too do with it. Children grow, Mommy hood changes - but we remain. The Women writers. The Women Bloggers. Complex. Quirky. Smart. Real.

No one handed me a medal in 2005 for blogging and the 50 bucks or so I earn from all my combined ad revenue keeps me in Coffee for the month, so I continue on. I Blog because I want to Blog, just like I slog away at this PhD ( and this is the point where I raise my fist and say KHAN!!!!) because I WANT it. A newish friend said to me "You have a thirst to write this all out, don't you?"

Yep. Thats why I do this. Because I have to. I want to. I need to.


Hi there.
Its Me.
At BlogHer 2007. And I am not enjoying myself - Which is no fault of the conference sponsors, organizers, or anyone affiliated with the conference planning.

On one hand, I thought it would be good to come and network and visit with old bloggy friends and make a few new ones - kinda like I did last year. And that part? Awesome. Amazing. Pee inducing hysteria and fun.

I mean, for real. When you can wake up and have Izzy announce that she wishes a man with limited clothing would deliver a platter of bacon to our room. Fan-fucking-tastic.

And the drinking? Most excellent, as always. We are a community of barely restrained alkies, us Bloggers we.

However on the other hand - one thing I loved about blogging, the intimacy, the feeling of belonging that I once derived from reading others blogs and in writing my own? I am not feeling it.

Of course, I may no longer be in with the in-crowd after my year long mind-losing crazy fest.

And hey. I was never meant to be in an in crowd anyway. It freaks me out. Shit, just being in a ballroom with what feels like a mind crushing amount of people is freaking me out - which is one of the many reasons I have fled to the safety of my room. I don't know nearly anyone here....and I won't wear my nametag cause having everyone look at my boob is unsettling.

And then, there is something else. I am not a name caller. I will not go into details regarding what I will now forever after refer to as "the awakening" - but something happened here, for me, that has hurt me - deeply. As I lay my head on Her Bad Mothers shoulder today and had a little cry I realized that my perception of the Blog-i-verse? The one in which people respect others and play fair? The one in which credit is given to the appropriate people?

Well. I am naive. I should have been more savvy. Played harder. As much as anything else, I am sad and hurt by my own naivety. I am alarmed at the person I will have to inhabit to rectify what I consider to be a fundamental wrong. I am saddened by the realization that MY dream/fantasy world of BlogHer/blogging is not what I wanted or hoped or needed.

5 Baleful Regards:

Karen Bodkin said...

and so i remain loyal, and remain your friend. blogher is what you make it, in my eyes. but you my friend, were blindsided and backstabbed. i hate that and wish i could fix it.

Dawn said...

I know love. I know.

I might be ready next year to go back to BlogHer, but only because I want to see a few people - you included.

Blogging IS what you make it. All Around.

I suspect some of the broo-haha comes around there not being the feeling of respect for those of us - pioneering the way back in ye olde ancient days o'blogging ( You as much as any of us!)

But you can't have it all Ways, you know? You can't have your own hand open while criticizing the rest of the world for being gauche. We collectively made our playing field, and Yeah, its kind of shitty, but we have what we have now because of stuff we all saw starting back in the ancient days of Blogging (2006 and 2007)

Am I making any sense? Gah.
I'm going back into the research cave.

Jaelithe said...

You're making lots of sense.

I'm sad that I couldn't make it to the BlogHers you were at. I understand why you feel the way you do, for sure, but I'd be pleased if you came back.

Because I think the only way we can stop the bad from taking over anything in this world is by promoting and celebrating the good. And you, my friend, are part of the good.

Nancy said...

Oh yes, I had to laugh too at all the pot-kettle stuff going on. All the drama, all the lines drawn in the sand -- same shit, different day.

I could care less about the self-promotion, the branding, all that. Please. I was in it for the connections, the sharing of experience, and the writing. Doesn't seem like those things are too high on many bloggers' agendas these days.

One of these days we WILL do that mini-blogger-reunion. I'll bring the wine. :-)

Nancy said...

p.s., you got totally ripped off. But you will have the last laugh someday, I am absolutely sure of it.

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