wavering

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

There is a sadness in me at times. I don't know what to do with it.

"Its Hormones", I tell myself. But I don't believe me. My breasts are achey and sore and I am all kinds of bitchy, but I know it isn't just the whore-moans.

My search for an apartment is exhausting. Who knew that finding a place I like and feel that my kid could grow and thrive in could be so freaking draining? Certainly not me. I swing from heady enthusiasm to abject misery with every place I look at or email or call about. Excited! Miserable! Back to Excited! Now with more moping! Gah. Even I am sick of me.

A couple of weeks ago I visited a condo which looked promising. Really promising. The location was good - nice parks, close enough to Ems school for easy transport and a nice "main street" that I love. I viewed it and came home. I had promised to pick up dinner on my way home, so I did that and weighed the next conversation with Terrance.

The "Yes, I am really moving out" conversation. Which I thought we had both agreed was good. Was best. Was the "right thing to do".

Why I didn't expect his protests, I will never know. But I didn't. I was, in fact, shocked. He recanted everything that had been said up to that point. He told me how much he loves me, that our family was the most important thing to him. That keeping our family together is the most important thing to him....but If I was set on leaving, he wouldn't stop me.

Wh-Wh-WH-WHAT? I did what any sane person would do at that moment. I burst into sobs.

"But you said you wanted to get divorced!", I heaved and hiccuped through my tears.

And then - in true Dawn and Terrance fashion - he bit into a shrimp which was hidden in his takeout Pad Thai and had to go to the emergency room. Leaving me flapping and fluttering around the house, hysterically crying and thinking "OH MY GOD I KILLED HIM WITH TAKEOUT!" and alternately mad at him for not picking up the god damn epi-pen from the last time he had an allergic reaction, and then upset because I had no liquid Benedryl in the house and I ALWAYS have liquid Benedryl in the house...

By the time he gets back, I am exhausted. Hysterical and exhausted.

Because what I want, what I crave, is this to be a joint decision. Much like we marched into marriage. But what I am getting is uncertainty. On both our parts. We waver back and forth like flames in a windstorm. How do people just do it? Just pack up one day and depart? AS much as I want this to be over, to just end so I can heal and move on, I am terrified to be without him. I love him. I just don't want to live with him anymore.

13 Baleful Regards:

Beth said...

Oh Dawn,
I feel your pain. I am in the same boat. Why is it so difficult (for both parties) to just move on?
I did read something the other day, I think it was "Who Moved My Cheese?", and there was one question that just stuck with me. "What would you do if you were not afraid?" That has become my mantra ... I just hope I'm strong enough to follow through.
-Beth

carolyn said...

This is from a fan who loves your writing and has been right where you are. And I wanted him to agree with me and for it to be a joint decision. It was painfully obvious that what we had was not working. In the end I had to be the one to leave. He just would not commit to a plan of action - he wavered and it was extremely painful. Now, seven years later, it is ok, obviously we (I) made the right decision. But at the time, in the moment, it was excrutiating. I wish you a peaceful decision.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I hope you guys can figure out what is best for you. I cannot even imagine what it must feel like.

I'm sorry.

Woman with kids said...

From my own personal experience, as scared as I was of the new and unknown and alone, I realized that I had already made my decision when I drove to work one morning and thought, "I just can't wait for this to be over." And now we're happily divorced and friends. But at the time? Scariest thing ever. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Anonymous said...

I'm in the same boat...except I am a male.

Wife has been moved out for 6+ months now. Treated me like crap, cheated on me, never even gave me/us a chance to work on things from when she announced she had issues with us, never wanted to go to counseling, nothing...

Yet, here I am, 6 months later (8 total), and I cannot just let it go and move on.

Keep your head up, it's all I can do right now as well.

Goddess of Madness said...

Dawn, I walked this path. You can make it without him. It will be hard and it won't be a bed of roses but it will get better. I know my situation was different in I had a soft place to land when I left, but I can't tell you the relief I felt. Gods I still loved my ex but I could not live with him, I could not hold myself to his standards. We are no longer friends sadly which I had hoped for but we do work together well enough to keep our daughter happy. You know where to find me if you need to talk more.

Petra

Mitzi Green said...

your last 2 sentences have been resounding in my head since i read them. i have felt that way about (i think) everyone i've ever been in a relationship with. including my current husband, i'm ashamed to admit. in my case i'd say it's a case of me being flighty (and having been involved with a bunch of losers, present husband excepted). you, however, have (i'm certain) thought this through and analyzed it near to death and are not one to embark on such an undertaking on a whim. which is why i agree with the others who have said you will go forward with this and you will get through it, but yes, it's going to be damn hard. but after everything you've already lived through? i can't see you not surviving this and eventually thriving in spite of it.

Amy said...

Hugs Dawn, just hugs. Love you girl. You'll get through this.

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Anonymous said...

This stuff is hard. I went through it recently and none of it is easy, even when it is the right thing to do. I'm sorry you are going through it. I hope you are able to move forward in the right direction for you and find peace.

iamagrownup said...

Oh Sweetie, I don't think anyone just does it. I know I didnt. I know I went through all the same emotions you are going through..I still do. I'm not divorced yet..I'm just a few months ahead of you because I have moved out. But I'm right where you are as well...because I still want my husband, I just don't want to live with him..just like you. I've agreed to continue counseling in the hopes that maybe we can become friends again because as the stbx has said, he can't stand not having me as his best friend. Who knows what will happen. Maybe a separation is the path to healing the marriage, or maybe it's just the path to healing you so you can move on. Either way, it will get easier. I can promise you that. When I was in your shoes I was a mess. You are handling it so well. It will get easier. I swear it. Check out my blog. You'll see I have good days and bad days. My days used to be all bad.

Anonymous said...

Why not just get 2 seperate living quarters? Who says because you are married you need to live together? Satan IS your master!

beenthere said...

Oh babe. I went through this when I was 25. I don't think we're over each other even 25 years later, but we just could not live together in a state of harmony and peace and happiness. We're both married to other people who suit us better and are happily raising families, but if we're ever single again I guar-an-tee we'll be in a motel room the next weekend. And pick right back off. But never live together again.

 
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