So here is a not so shocking bit of news in the Blog-o-sphere...
When you spazz out and completely flee the Blog World in 2007, because you have a full blown manic f-ing depressive episode...
When you drop off the entire Bloggy planet and don't read any of your friends, even though you Love them...but participating in the bloggy world become just too much to bear because that means, well INTERACTING and shit...
When you decide after two years, which, lets face - is antediluvian in the time epochs of the internets - to wander back and try to find all of your peeps, your homies, your original Phi Delta Badass...
They ain't all there.
In recent weeks, my life seems to be filtering down to something. Wheels turning. Pulp falling to bottom of glass. I twist and squirm in my skin, trying to figure out what it is that I seem to be morphing into, but it still has no recognizable shape or form. I can only tell you is that it is Different.
I feel like I walked back into a playground that was waiting for me to arrive...but there is no one left on the swings. No one on the slides. No one over there by the fence telling ghostly tales and urban myths to each other.
I wandered last night through the places I used to live - old friends who started off as ideas and became people through conversations and interactions. From what I can piece together many of them fell prey to lives outside of the bloggy world - which is good and right and just. In the first heady wave of blogging, many of us set aside partners and children to visit these new friends and laugh. Those who have set aside blogging to be parents and partners, I miss your company, but I understand. Some seem to have fallen into dark places through depressions and miscarriages. Places that if I were braver I would wade into and sit with them to offer comfort and companionship.
Others? Well, others friendships ran their courses. People meandered into different places in lives, goals and careers. I understand that too.
I stand at the edge of my play yard. I look out into the dusk.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry I withdrew so deeply into myself that I locked the door to the yard and refused to go out. I'm sorry I missed babies being born, babies being lost and the million other joys and sorrows that happened in your lives. Marriages. Divorces. The terrible. The frightening, the sublime. I didn't mean to abandon you."
And I wait here in the edge of the yard...just on the edge of the dark peering out waiting for a noise. A whisper. Anything. I pick up a small stone and throw it up into the air and watch the bats dive and turn towards it.
I can wait.