Wednesday, January 05, 2011

I've spent a large portion of the last three years feeling dissatisfied.

With everything - my life, my marriage, my body, my job, my lack of job, my dissertation, my lack of dissertation. I wanted more, I wanted less, I wanted different

In part, I could point to the need for a different medication for my depression.  Since I had been taking Prozac for ten years, I should have suspected that perhaps a medication fail was occurring. No, like always it wasn't until I was constantly sobbing ( at everything) and sleeping for 18 hours a day that I suspected something more was up than my cheerful glass half empty personality.

By nature, I am a cautious person. I hedge my bets obsessively. I play, replay and counter play scenarios in my mind until I think  I have every possible angle covered, every possibility vetted. I am also not, by nature, a person who believes in any kind of "power of positive thinking" bullshit. I think those people are trying to pull a fast one by redirecting your attention over "there" while the boa constrictor slides up you leg and tightens its grasp and opens its jaws.

I am also not a person who believes in resolutions, new years or otherwise. I don't start diets or go to gyms.

Things either Are, or they Are Not.

Last week I decided to go have a Reiki session.

My whole left side of my body had been going numb since the last fall, and I didn't think it was an issue for the chiropractor. It felt different, like something was blocked which, despite my very best efforts, could not be unblocked by myself.

I tend to be sensitive to energy. I know this sounds ridiculous, but on more than one occasion in my life I can feel when people with whom I am close are thinking about me.  Regardless of their proximity. I used to think it was crazy, but I simply accept it now. Sometimes it is lovely. A tingly feeling that starts in your scalp and runs over your body. Othertimes? Maddening. Some strange psychic violation that you can't block out.

After the Reiki session, the practitioner told me that my right side energy was lovely - like caramel. But the left side? She shuddered. "Some intense stuff going on there."

I know. I am holding all the pain and dissatisfaction and disappointment on one side of my body. By the end of the session, I started to cry as the left side of my body went numb. "I've cut off my left side", I said to her.

And I have. I did.

The following night was the first night I woke up without a numb left arm.  Two days later, I was able to forgive someone within my own heart and start to move on.

Balance is a funny thing. It can not come until you are willing for it to come.  Saying you want to be in balance will not make it takes hard work, on a multitude of levels.

Tomorrow I go back for another Reiki and massage session. I also cut out carbs from my diet, after spending the past 9 months dodging my doctor since my blood sugar levels were starting to creep back up.

2011 is going to be a good year. Not because I hope for it, but because I am making myself ready for it.

4 Baleful Regards:

A Good Mom said...

I had reiki for the first time a few weeks ago. It was interesting. I'm going back for more, but I'm still not sure what it's all about.

Dawn said...

You know, I am not entirely sure about what I experienced, but it seemed to help and definitely didn't hurt. I liken it to my experiences with My Bach's flower essences.

They seem to help, so I keep taking them.

Anonymous said...

I'm not a naturally "positive, cheery" person either, and have never understood the type, to be honest.

For me, I'm striving for "one day at a time" this year and for the rest of my life, really. I guess that translates into taking it easy, which has never come easily to me.

Best wishes to finding the balance you seek!

Anonymous said...

For some reason, the Name/URL option isn't working, and it automatically placed my comment as an Anonymous link. But it's me, Amira from Doubt that matters to you, aha, but wanted to mention it.

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