Judge Not

Thursday, June 09, 2011

I like Anthony Wiener. I don't think he needs to resign because of something he has done which, while incredibly stupid, is ultimately between him and his wife. The lie to cover it up was also stupid, but I do believe it was a gut reaction, which then compounded into something more ridiculous.

I have been watching with increasing irritation the many blog posts offering their insights and perspective on everything from his job performance to his wife's silence.

I've even seen some opinions regarding how his wife should leave him.

The first thing I think when I see scandals such as this unfold and the amazingly high and mighty horses that folks feel entitled to hoist themselves up onto is "Wow. It must be quite something to know everything about what goes on in other peoples relationships well enough that you get to say with absolute certainty what they should be doing."

If there is only one thing I have learned being married it is this: I don't know shit about what goes on between two other people.

I say this with the hard won lessons of a 20 year relationship that has not always been smooth.  The things I may have thought about marriage as a 21 year old woman are not the things I believe about marriage as a 41 year old woman.  Perhaps this is because I have lived through some of the things I swore I would never stand for in MY marriage, or even things I may have told girlfriends that they should not stand for in Their relationships/marriages.

I am guessing that Terrance may have occasionally wondered why he stays during my depressions and other mental health experiences. I am pretty sure he didn't sign on for THAT when he took me to be his wife, and even less so when he had a child with me. While I know how it feels on the inside for me, I can only speculate what it feels like for him...and sometimes I am certain that it feels like he is carrying an unreasonably large burden for our family.

It is different on the inside, which anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows. The reasons for staying can easily outweigh those for going when you start to tally up the debits and credits in any relationship.   Children, loyalty, love, obligation, a desire to honor the promise you made to the other person - all of these things can influence you decision to stay when other people are opining that you should go.

Then there is my unique perspective on marriage and gender through both True Wife Confessions and Desperately Seeking Something.

As for DSS, married men have been sending out penis pictures since the internet began. Where do you think all of those pictures COME from? I mean let us not kid ourselves. Men enjoy a relationship with their penis that is truly puzzling to most women. As such, they love to photograph it, and love even more to know that maybe a woman might see it and be turned on.

Which, of course, is unlikely and untrue. To love a penis,you have to feel something about it's owner. Because, as much research has told us, women just are not visually stimulated in the same way men may be.

Should every man whose penis pictures are floating around the internet be forced to resign their employment? I suspect unemployment may shoot up to 90% if that is the case. Does every woman who may have chatted with an old high school boyfriend found on Facebook need to confess to cheating and divorce her husband?  Again I say, the divorce rates would be through the roof.

The very bottom line is not what You would stand for, or what You may consider out of bounds in a marriage, but that the Two Adults involved are willing and able to negotiate, including tolerance and forgiveness.

Divorce is often the first thing people suggest, as well as the first thing decried as being too "easy" to obtain. If you don't divorce, you are a foolish person who is being walked over. Divorce and you took the "easy way out" and didn't "put the work in".

Well, Dammed if you you and dammed if you don't.

The "work" of staying married are dealing with the emotions that no one ever really talks about. Anger. Disappointment. Emotional absence. Distrust. I have felt these things over the course of my marriage. I can only assume that Terrance has felt them too.

We make a choice every time we are confronted with these feelings.  I only know that I am not in any kind of position to judge the choices of others, regardless of who they may be.

1 Baleful Regards:

Heather Woodward said...

Right on, Dawn. Right on.

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