Adventures in Travel

Sunday, April 01, 2012

Dear Travel Gods,

Well played, you. I only lost one item, but it was a very important item. I see that you are paying me back for the several near misses.

Baleful Regards,

Dear Seat Mate on my Last Flight,

Your constant dry heaving and noises of distress worried me mightily. When you began to pull out the air sickness bag and open it while holding it up to your mouth, my distress increased exponentially. As I plastered myself into the wall of the aircraft in an attempt to keep whatever was causing you such tumult to be passed to me, I engaged in a moral struggle over whether I should offer you some kind of comfort and/or aid. On the one hand, I felt like I should inquire as to your overall health. On the other, you were such an overall douche before we boarded the plane that I almost felt justified in pretending to sleep, while attempting to draw all my flesh into the smallest space own octopus in a jar trick.

You never vomited...and I never inquired. Let's call this a moral draw, shall we?

Baleful Regards,

Dear Super Shuttle Driver,

I really appreciated your prompt arrival at the hotel. I had just finished my conference talk and had to be at the airport for the final leg of the journey.

However, the dispute between you and central dispatch? The one that went on for a full hour plus? Oh, that was very very worrying. Perhaps, in the future, you could avoid using phrases like "Are you going to hurt me" when addressing the dispatch gentleman who is demanding that you come back to home base immediately after dropping us off.  Switching tactics and pretending to not know who was speaking with you (With the phrase "Who is this?") was no more helpful.

Just drop us off at the airport and go back to face the consequences of whatever you have done. I suspect it includes driving about aimlessly, as I certainly noticed that you Literally drove in circles for 30 minutes.

Baleful Regards,

Dear TSA worker at Washington-Dulles,

Your ignorance of the "trusted traveler" program is no excuse for the way you behaved towards me at the security checkpoint. As I patiently attempted to explain to you, this program is designed for people such as myself who cross the border frequently. The Nexus card includes a background check done by both the US Homeland security and Canadian security forces. I also had to undergo bio-metric eye scans and finger printing before the card was issued.

Therefore, your loud demands for "American ID" not only annoyed me, but most likely scared others in line.  You asked for a driver's license and (again loudly) exclaimed that my Quebec driver's license was not "American" and you couldn't accept that.

It was at that juncture that you pulled me out of line and stood me in front of the other travelers. The added touch of the officer stationed next to me with his hand resting on his gun was special.

When your supervisor arrived, I began to express my concern that TSA agents had NO IDEA what a US government issued Nexus card might look like..and your supervisor began to Yell, "MA'AM! I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE ANGRY!"

I attempted to iterate that I wasn't angry, but merely discomfited at the ignorance of my ID, when the supervisor yelled that "THEY DON'T SEE THESE VERY OFTEN SO THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE".

I don't envy your job and I wasn't trying to yell at you. However, if the US Government has issued this ID - with standards far above a driver's license or even a passport, may I suggest that you and your agents get on the fucking ball and learn to identify a Nexus card?

Baleful Regards,

Dear Loki-the-cat,

Nice losing a patch of hair on your leg from the stress of me being gone. Now you have the husband convinced that you have ringworm...and by extension HE has ringworm. Which neither of you do. You are just a cat with terrible separation anxiety, and he is a hypochondriac.

Baleful Regards,

1 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

I needed that. I just love you! HA hope the conferences are going well . Keri

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