Dear Santa....

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Please save my daughter from her impending ass beating.

Right now, she is flailing and kicking her feet, much in the same manner she did at the age of 2. Apparently, I am not doing exactly what she wants, and therefore she WRONGLY assumes that by behaving like a juvenile monkey that I will capitulate.

This morning, she climbed on my back at 7 in the morning. Of course on SCHOOL DAYS I can barely move her booty from bed at 8 a.m.. However, on weekends, she can wake at the crack of Me and pester me mercilessly.

Later on, when her father told her that she couldn't dictate what he made for lunch she stomped back into the living room and announced "I wish he had never come into our Lives!" When I adroitly pointed out that had he NOT come into my life....the point of her life would be moot.

Her response? "I still don't care."

Oh, and did I mention the whining? Yes, normally I expect some whining. In fact, lack of whining might indicate a demonic possession or her impending death due to avian flu - however, she has really cranked it up a notch the past two days. She has added tears. A continual fountain of tears. I could sell her as a party fountain if she could cry "Andre Cold Duck". The lip quivering, eyes moistening, nose twitching that foretells the arrival of the tears makes me want to rip my hair out and scream "Enough already - I GET IT." Puberty is going to be a real test of my ability to mother any living creature, as I already have an almost nine year old Emo queen. But I digress.

So....Santa. We may have to leave you some whiskey tonight. At least what ever is left from the bottle after Terrance and I get done with it. I'm pretty sure there will be some kind of cookie, but that isn't my department, so I can't guarantee anything. The whiskey? Is my department - It will be good.

Oh, and thanks for letting her still believe in you, wholeheartedly. She has resisted the proclamations of her classmates who have told her that you aren't real, that it is her parents. She steadfastly told them that they were wrong and their disbelief earned them coal. I strongly suspect this is the last year we can keep her belief so strong, her total innocence intact. For that, I thank you.

Just see us through the next 24 hours, N'K? I appreciate all the help I can get.

Baleful Regards,
Dawn

8 Baleful Regards:

Nancy said...

I think Santa deserves a jug full of whiskey this year. Maybe a couple of bottles of wine, too?

Sometimes Christmas can be emotionally draining for the kids. And of course that becomes hell for us parents. I hope Emily settles down a little bit when the craziness has passed tomorrow morning.

Merry Christmas, my friend.

Queue said...

HA! I am so with you - Cammy threw one the other day that I had to walk away before I had flashbacks to the ass whippin I used to get cause tehy suddenly seemed so necessary.

hope your kids doesn't drive you to hard drugs cause drinking - at least for me -its too late! :)

dixiefrog said...

So glad to see I'm not the only one!! I've been told over the past week that the closer Christmas Day gets, the more wired kids are. They are soooooo right!

So does this mean I'll get 51 weeks of no whining, crying, pouting, kicking and screaming? I think not...but boy would THAT be a great Christmas present for mom!!

E. said...

Yes! This is my first year experiencing this with my nearly-four year old, maybe b/c this is the first year he can fully anticipate Christmas. Today he's acting like a total stranger, and one I don't particularly care for, downright snarly. We were watching video with my in-laws tonight of tree trimming a few days back and it was like "yeah, that's my kid. Where'd he go?" Will he wake tomorrow cured? Please?

Mitzi Green said...

um...yeah. right there with you. and santa's been getting serious alcohol for the past 3 days. and he needs more.

Cindy said...

Dawn, the time has come. Open the door, and let Vlad back into your life.

jen said...

for what it's worth, if I had money to throw around, this would show up at your doorstep:

http://www.ohmythatsawesome.com/2006/12/future_gnomes.html

Elizabeth said...

"Waking up at the crack of Me"-took me a minute to get it. Heh! Sorry you got whining for Christmas. I got a puking, snot nose running baby-lucky us. Here's to a better New Year, yes?

 
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