Revenge is a dish best served cold...and at 2 a.m.

Friday, April 06, 2007

So, people. You thought perhaps that I had forgotten and forgiven the whole shaving incident. You thought, since I had not pissed on anything (at least that you have found yet) and had been using my litterbox like a good girl that things had returned to normal.

But NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO! My nefarious plan is revealed. No one in this house will sleep EVER AGAIN!


Yeah, I see you with the camera , you silly grinning whore. I'm starting with him, but we both know I will be on you at 4 a.m. You see, I like to wait until I am sure you are asleep. That is when I launch the attack. I climb to the highest point, what I like to call "Mount Terrance" and warm him up with my little claw dance of love. Notice how my claws have grown back nicely. Take that suck-ahs.

Then, I settle in and begin to purr. Not a normal purr, mind you. Not the pitiful purr I gave when you first found me. No this is a high octane, Fast and Furious Tokoyo Nights fueled purr. I ROCK this purr. I make it so loud that it wakes who ever I have made my bower for the moment. And when the two of you get sick of me, I run into the kids room and leap at her hair as if it is my prey, making her wake up and scream. It is a beautiful sound.

Oh, and the wet cat food. I am pretty sure that it was just a hairball that made me puke it up and not my imminent poisoning, but I LOVED how it made the punk ass bitch run out and buy the all organic wet and dry cat food - made with real table scraps. How much did that shit run you? I'm pretty sure it is more than the 59 cents a can you were paying for that other brand.

Put the camera away. Cause as soon as I hear you fall asleep, I'm coming for you. Oh, and for you - special, cause I like you - I'll be throwing in the "attack the foot cause I think it is a rat under the covers" move. Nothing like a biting cat on the foot at 3 a.m. to snap you awake might quick. Now who's laughing?

12 Baleful Regards:

Mitzi Green said...

i really love your evil-pissed-off-cat-from-hell posts.

Heather said...

My cat does exactly the same thing, every single night, except he meows like we've never fed him before as he kneads the covers/our flesh. He also bites things when hungry, be they kleenex boxes, fingers or nipples. It's a good thing he's loveable.

Anonymous said...

mitzi green said: "i really love your evil-pissed-off-cat-from-hell posts."

Ditto. :)

Jaelithe said...

Here I was, after meeting a friend's adorable cat the other night, thinking, "Man, I really want to get a cat again. Cats are awesome! Why have I waited two whole years since my old cat went to kitty heaven to even think about getting another one?"

And then you reminded me . . .

Nancy said...

It scares me to think about what my cats do to us at night. Or what kinds of evil they plot...

Elizabeth said...

Dude. I think your cat might be hanging out with Vlad when you're not home.

C said...

How is it that cats know that the best way to torture us is to wake us up in the middle of the night with that purr of death? It's ten times harder to get pissed off at a happy cat (who is, ostensibly, just enjoying your company) than it is to get angry at a cat who is peeing on things. Still, I'd almost rather have the pee some nights when I really, really need to sleep.

jen frm boston said...

so how's that cat thing working out for you?

TB said...

If it's possible, she looks even more pitiful now that the fur is growing in all scraggly. I'd be pissed too.

wordgirl said...

Hell hath no fury like a kitty-cat scorned. Or something like that.

kim said...

I love your bad ass cat and her bad ass owner.

Helena said...

ROTFLOL!!!!!
My cat does this too.... but she wants to sleep UNDER the cover and she'll tap your face to get your attention to ask you.... and if tapping doesn't do it, why there are always claws.... and if they fail, why what are teeth for? And if you duck under, she grabs your hair with her teeth and pulls it. HAHAHA. Yeah. Cute kitty by day, vampire by night.

 
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