Enrage your mother - a how to

Thursday, February 21, 2008

1. Take one nine-almost-ten-year-old-girl-who-thinks-she-is-22.

2. Take one 37 year old mother with Severe PMS.

3. Take one cell phone purchased for daughter at Christmas by overly indulgent father.

Mix together on a Sunday morning when the girl attempts to wake the mother at 8 a.m. to request a hot breakfast.

Have mother rebuff daughters attempts at hot breakfast. Daughter will then go into the other room ( where her Daddy sleeps since the girl must still sleep with her mother) to wake father who does get up and get her a hot homemade breakfast.

Mother Gets up. Gets Coffee. Demands to be left alone to watch the political shows in same bed with father. Daughter dances about the room, continually peeking in to say "hi" or "did you call me?".

At 11:30 a.m., have daughter dissolve into hysterical tears. The reason? Mother sent daughter back into bathroom to brush her teeth again due to the large crust of visible plaque on her top row of chompers. Daughter sent to room after she slams the bathroom door.

PMS mother is not to be trifled with today.

Daughter goes to room where she stares at mother from under her blanket cave. (please note: This works best when daughter flips out if door is closed to her room EVER - leading to more screaming and crying.) Daughter briefly naps, maintaining disgusted angry face throughout 20 minute nap.

Father exits house to go smoke cigars with his friend.

Daughters comes into Mothers room and begins her homework. Mother attempts to explain directions to homework. Daughter ignores her mother, and does the homework in the way she wants to do it leading to completely messed up homework which she has now glued - wrongly - to the paper. Mother attempts to explain again, and offers suggestions as to how she can repair this math lesson.

Daughter ignores mother completely and begins to rip the paper, crying, yelling that she is stupid.

Mother attempts with the last little ounce of calmness and humanity left in her body to warn the daughter to stop this. This is not helping anyone.

Daughter continues fit.

Mother considers spanking child. DEEPLY considers this. Can feel, in fact, the satisfying thwack of hand on ass in her minds eye. Instead - tells daughter to go to room immediately.

Daughter storms out. Muttering behind her. Mother yells "AND SHUT YOUR DOOR!"

Momentary silence.

Mother is breathing. Calming herself down.

Bedroom door of child flies open. Child comes storming back into Mothers room.

"Daddy wants to talk to you....", she says as she thrusts HER cell phone at her mother.

Have mothers rage factor go through the ROOF. Snatch cell phone from daughters hand and say in deadly calm voice ....... "Yes."

Hear father's voice say timidly, "Are you OK?" He has heard the tone in mothers voice. He is familiar with this tone and it bodes no good.

"Did your daughter just phone you to tell you I had sent her to her room?"

Those of you familiar with the sound of Enrageous Mothercana will know that this is the sound she makes before she delivers the death blow. It is quiet and controlled. It is a deceptively calm voice, designed to lull her victims into a false sense of victory.

"Did your daughter just attempt to "tattle" on me for disciplining her?"

The father is quiet. "Yes...."

"And what exactly did she expect you to do Terrance? Over rule me? Because clearly she has lost her mind. I don't know who she thinks SHE is, but I will not have a child of mine deciding that she doesn't need to listen to me and can call you to fix it for her. WE are not those kinds of parents, Terrance. I will not have this...."

"I know, honey. I just wanted to make sure you were OK - do you need me to come home now? Are you angry with me? Are we OK? Should I bring dinner home?"

The daughter has been skulking next to the door way. She has heard her mother and has realized that she severely miscalculated her strategy.

"Yes - bring home dinner - no you don't have to come home yet and Yes WE are Ok. Tell your daughter that she needs to stay in her room until you come home, as I am through with speaking to her for the moment...."

The mother holds the phone out for the daughter who shuffles from the doorway.
"I'm sorry, Mama", she murmurs as she takes the cell phone.

"I'm sure you are.", replies the mother.

13 Baleful Regards:

Girlplustwo said...

oh good lord. smack the daddy for the cell phone (although points for the dinner offer)

let's go get a scotch.

Marie said...

OMG, I would be so steamed!
*visualizing flushing the cell phone down the toilet*

Okay, I know that would not be the most mature response, but it's a satisfying image!

Table4Five said...

Ooooh, I think you exhibited admirable restraint, there. I think I would have delivered the smack to the bottom on that one, personally.

So, does she get to keep the phone?

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I would totally do that, but my Dad never bought me a cell phone.

Well, now that I'm thinking about it, I don't think cell phones existed when I lived with my parents.

Fraulein N said...

Oh no she di'int...

Mitzi Green said...

oh. no. she. di-int.

if ever that strategy is attemped on yours truly, said cell phone will be meeting with an untimely and bloody demise.

and don't try to flush it down the toilet. it'll only clog the damn thing, thus pissing you off even further.

Nic said...

Wow I don't know if I would have been able to remain that calm.

Monie said...

My mom would have BEAT MY ASS. You're a good one. LOL!

Crazed Nitwit said...

You did a good job staying calm. I'm impressed. My boys were older when I figured out disengaging is much more effective than sinking to their level. I wish you luck as she gets older.

Mom to one 17yo drama boy and a 19yo just plain wierd kid. ;)

JCK said...

Can you drop the cell phone in the bath tub? Certainly acceptable PMS behavior.

Jaelithe said...

I bow to your superior ability to remain calm in the face of extreme adversity.

At the very least, I would have slammed the kid's door shut myself.

becomingkate said...

Oh no! My youngest is 10, and I'm pretty sure that I'd take the phone away until her next bday.
Manipulation is so common in kids her age, but eventually she'll learn she can't get away with it.
Hope your weekend was nice!

Lisa said...

Oh NO SHE DIDN'T! Oh she's got some balls!

Methinks tho, she'll never do THAT again.

Our son was acting up and getting all surly and demanding yesterday too. Was it a full moon or something? He was put in timeout several times!

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