This morning, I took Emily to school.
I had to go into work, so I figured I would drive her to school and head off to my day. Sounds easy? Sounds typical?
Oh ho! The universe thinks NOT!
It wasn't anything that she did, by any means. She was more than helpful and chipper, as she had a field trip today and was excited to get going.
It wasn't even me. I was well rested and had already packed my bag for work.
My arch nemesis(es) today? The other parents at school.
Parent number one decided to park her Mercedes SUV in the MIDDLE of the street. This blocked traffic BOTH ways. As it occurred to me what was happening, I rolled down my window to address the mother.
"Greetings fellow breeder! Perchance to explain why you have left your horseless chariot unattended here in the thorough way?"
And then she apologized for inconveniencing me and offered a hearty cup of coffee for my troubles as she moved her vehicle.
Let me wipe the tear of laughter from my eye.
What I really said was "HEY! Did you just parked your car in the middle of the street and LEAVE it?"
to which she responded, "Yes. I was trying to get through but that man down there won't move, so what do you want me to do? I waited for 15 minutes and he wouldn't move so ..." ( at which point she made a hand gesture which I associate with the Quebecois which means that some higher power is forcing them to be rude)
She continued to walk. I assessed her size 0 body and her Dolce and Gabanna sunglasses propped atop her overly streaked hair. I looked at her impractical boots as she stumbled through the snow. I could totally take her if she stopped and headed back towards me.
Then I said, "I expect you to not be so rude and thoughtless, you stupid bitch!"
The other overly polite Anglo-Canadian parents looked both shocked and inwardly pleased at this. Leave it to the American chick to shout out what we are all thinking.
At which point, the Mercedes which is now trapped between the parked car and me begins to beep AT ME. She wants me to back out into the intersection. Apparently, I am not illegally driving quickly enough for HER. I see her gesturing in the aforementioned Quebecois manner.
What the hell, I think. "And what is the matter with YOU, you stupid bitch? I know you aren't waving at ME!", I shout.
Emily sits in the passenger seat, completely nonplussed.
"Should I get out and walk the rest of the way?", she inquires.
"Yeah baby - sorry about all of this. Mama can't help the vast amount of stupid bitches this morning. Have a great time on your field trip and I'll see you tonight."