Read the Instructions

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Yes - this may be too much information, but I am concerned for you all and want this to serve as a cautionary tale.

Last weekend, I purchased a lovely little vibrator.

My sexual health aside, I thought this was a lovely little addition to my collection of toys. Small, easily portable and made my one of my favorite adult toy companies, the Fun Factory. Those Germans! They make great sex toys!

Last Sunday, I decided to give it test run. I was alone ( super bowl) and thought
"Hey, a nice hot shower and my new potential friend could be lovely!"

With child firmly asleep, I headed off to my shower with toy in hand. Woo Hoo!

I get in and switch it on. Ooooooh. Nice.

But... having a little trouble with the top part - where the batteries go in. Doesn't want to stay firmly on.

Now, normally this would not cause me concern. However, when using any electrically driven appliance, even those that are waterproof and approved for shower use, one naturally is cautious about exposing the inner parts to the shower spray.

I step out of the shower, dry and re-attach the top.

Back in I go, with toy in hand. I begin to relax. Ah yes. I see a long and happy relationship with you Layaspot vibe.

And then it happens. The top pops off again and to my horror, my wet lady parts come into contact with the batteries.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

I will spare you the language which was uttered as the vibe was thrown out of the shower. It was salty. I had just mini-electrocuted myself. Perhaps God was giving me a little "self abuse" lesson?

When I had composed myself and exited the shower, I returned to the box to figure out what the hell had gone horribly, horribly wrong. I had, in fact, failed to read the instructions prior to attempting to use my new toy. I mean - I ASSUMED that I understood the basic function of the device. Did I really need to read the directions?

Yes, I did. For you see, in my haste, I was attempting to use the wrong end. Which was clearly pointed out to me in the diagram in the box. Which I read. Thoroughly.

15 Baleful Regards:

Nix Muse said...

Hahaha. This is definitely something that could happen to me.

Anonymous said...

I've had that one in red for a couple years now. Tons of fun! But I did have to read the instructions. It's a bit counter-intuitive at first.

Mitzi Green said...

okay, i guess we can all safely assume now that the only reason you have a child is because terrence knows what he's doing.

Anonymous said...

So in the photo, which end is the business end? I'm just curious.

Lisa said...

I'm wondering what elizabeth is wondering....

And YIKES! Zapping the private parts are just... OUCH!

E. said...

Yowza! That sounds like no fun. Who knew you had to read the direction on your sex toys? Thanks for sharing this cautionary tale with us.

And God loves masturbation. Elsewise why would he have given us fingers? And clitori. (That would be the plural of clitoris, I assume...)

Anonymous said...

LMAO. That is so something I would have done. Damn batteries!

2amsomewhere said...

I don't think that is what Schnarch is talking about when he refers to "wall socket sex". :-p


Woman with Kids said...

Um, ouch. See, that's why I'm too chicken to move past *ahem* realistically shaped toys. At least then I'm pretty sure of which end is which.

Dawn said...

See! You can't easily tell, can you?

The Business end is the bigger end - up by the "Plus" sign. I was trying to use the small end, which is where the batteries are inserted.

and it has been forgiven it's shocking beginning.

Jaelithe said...

Dang it, lady, why are you so adept at the dark humor? Making me laugh at your misfortune? Now I feel really mean.

Anonymous said...

here's something to make it all better...

Me too.


mamatulip said...

Dude, this is quite possibly the funniest thing I have read in a long time.

(((your parts)))

Anonymous said...

covering my mouth at work to cover the laughing.

Also props to the comment, "so - which is the business end?"

Anonymous said...

So I'm assuming the business end is the one opposite the on/off switch? I can see the appeal for something small and portable and innocuous looking, but there's something to be said for anatomically correct toys.

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