It is done.
I am exhausted.
I didn't sleep last night. Not because I am camera shy - quite the opposite. I can put on a decent front and smile, doing my song and dance. That is, however, the effect of years of concentrated effort. Masking the introvert with the Extrovert. The simultaneous demand that you LOOK AT ME and PAY ATTENTION coupled with the intense need to be left the fuck alone.
Holy Mixed Messages, Batman.
While I survived it, I am still conflicted about why I feel this way and why I even care why I feel this way. (cue sappy music) Some of it feels eerily similar to my retreat at BlogHer last summer. The one where I hid in my room for nearly a day plus?
Maybe it's because I am still not sure WHAT I want to be when I grow up as a Blogger. I don't want to have obligations to readers or feelings of guilt when I don't get time to read other peoples blogs. Or even when I notice that my "Bloglines" thingy went down ages ago and that is why the little doodad in the corner of my computer screen hasn't popped up in, oh, lets just say two months.....
I have never come to terms with my fierce need to both belong and my complete resistance to the perceived expectations of others.
Talk about two counterproductive urges.
My mother has frequently told me that I was a child who refused to do anything easily. If there was pain and suffering to be wrung from any experience...I seemed hell bent on wringing the bejesus out of it. Maybe this is the same. Maybe you do like me and I am trying to find a reason why you Don't or shouldn't like me.
It might be easier if I just wrote you a note with a:
"Do you like me?
Yes ( )
No ( )
and slipped it into your locker.
And now? I am mixing myself a drink.
Cause alcohol sometimes is the right answer.