Look at ME! I'm Hideous!!

Friday, March 21, 2008

It is done.

I am exhausted.

I didn't sleep last night. Not because I am camera shy - quite the opposite. I can put on a decent front and smile, doing my song and dance. That is, however, the effect of years of concentrated effort. Masking the introvert with the Extrovert. The simultaneous demand that you LOOK AT ME and PAY ATTENTION coupled with the intense need to be left the fuck alone.

Holy Mixed Messages, Batman.

While I survived it, I am still conflicted about why I feel this way and why I even care why I feel this way. (cue sappy music) Some of it feels eerily similar to my retreat at BlogHer last summer. The one where I hid in my room for nearly a day plus?

Maybe it's because I am still not sure WHAT I want to be when I grow up as a Blogger. I don't want to have obligations to readers or feelings of guilt when I don't get time to read other peoples blogs. Or even when I notice that my "Bloglines" thingy went down ages ago and that is why the little doodad in the corner of my computer screen hasn't popped up in, oh, lets just say two months.....

I have never come to terms with my fierce need to both belong and my complete resistance to the perceived expectations of others.

Talk about two counterproductive urges.

My mother has frequently told me that I was a child who refused to do anything easily. If there was pain and suffering to be wrung from any experience...I seemed hell bent on wringing the bejesus out of it. Maybe this is the same. Maybe you do like me and I am trying to find a reason why you Don't or shouldn't like me.

It might be easier if I just wrote you a note with a:

"Do you like me?

Yes ( )
or
No ( )


and slipped it into your locker.

And now? I am mixing myself a drink.
Cause alcohol sometimes is the right answer.

19 Baleful Regards:

jen said...

without even seeing it I am raising a glass. brava.

Izzy said...

I understand those feelings completely as I come out of my hidey hole to say WHATUP?!!!!

Still not sure about why you're on Fox News but I aims to find out :)

Congrats on your new gig!

velocibadgergirl said...

(x) Yes

( ) No

madgelove said...

Tried watching. Bah! Missed it!

Also,

Yes (x)

Anonymous said...

I found your note in my locker so:
I think I first rambled through your blog after a visit to Ms. Frizzle... that was over a year ago and even though I don't have that much in commom with you- I think you're a hilarious! I love this stuff! But my mean cats were laughing at your cat and her (his?) ... haircut.

cindylou said...

( x) Yes
But only cause you drink wine for breakfast (wink) And I don't know about your bloglines thingy, but my bloglines reads you just fine.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

1) I would check yes too.

2) What thing in the corner of your screen?

3) I missed the news thing. Please sned clip.

M.A. Smith said...

Hi. I'm a long time reader/lurker, who felt the need to delurk to say Yes I like you. I like the fact that you write about what you want. And that is why I read.

gurukarm said...

Yes (X)

:-)

Jaelithe said...

Yes (X)

Explain your answer:

I have a fierce need to belong, yet I resist complying with the expectations of others. It seems I have to do everything the hard way; sometimes I wonder whether I am hell-bent on wringing unnecessary levels of suffering out of ordinary experience. This stubbornly convoluted disposition causes me a good deal of DISCONTENT. However, when I surround myself with like personalities, I feel better. Especially if we're all drinking maple syrup martinis.

Anonymous said...

Don't know you personally but love your blog. Have to believe that what I read here in your blog pages would translate in to a person that I would like! Self doubt sucks up a lot of energy.

Anonymous said...

(x) yes
() no

Mitzi Green said...

just make sure you fold said note in that special accordion-envelope-with-self-sealing-flap fashion, or i might have to check "no" based on your lack of cool note-folding skillz. and i'd hate to have to do that.

Shay said...

Do you like me?
Yes (X)
or
No ( )

:)

furiousBall said...

Yes (X)
or
No ( )

and I totally didn't just copy and paste another commenters thingamajobby. seriously.

ok I did.

Madeleine said...

*I* like you too.

Is the clip online? My magical search powers are falling short.

Can't wait to see what you do for the Gazette!

Marcia (in Maine)@roadrunner.com said...

This is my checking Yes (x)

You are so very similar to me (except more learned!). I want everyone to notice me, but in the same moment I want to run from the room when I know they are actually noticing me!!

Be well

Daisy said...

I'm the retreat to the corner type. My friends call me the "observer" or the "shy rebel" because I'm rather introverted, but when they need my support, I'm there. I have a feeling we're similar in many ways. Check Yes for me, too. And pour me a glass of wine to go with the rest!

Lisa said...

Um Dawn? I adore the SHIT out of you. Whether its dog shit, cat shit, people shit or bear shit, all I know is that you are an amazing woman and I feel so lucky to know you.

Can relate to fighting the extrovert within at BlogHer. I lost 2 pounds in that time due to the anxiety. (Couldn't sleep and had migraines for days afterward. SO um, yeah. Can completely understand.)

 
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