Can you go back once you know?

Sunday, May 31, 2009

The humor comes in short bursts, in funny places. Emily's laughter triggers my own laughter, this little not quite carbon copy of me finding the absurd funny.

Last week, it came when she expected my arm to curl around her in the morning...and it was my foot, stretch out and over her side. Oh, the belly laugh as she realized it was my foot she was trying to hold hands with...which then crawled into my throat and echoed her laugh.

In some ways, this space feels not unlike the weeks before childbirth. It is quiet, and watching. I also feel able to say things - things because I simply don't care about the consequences. I mean, whats the worst he can do? Divorce me?

Gallows humor, I'll be here all week.

The temperature in the house warmed with a talk on Friday, but bedrooms remain separate.

"I don't want to get to the point where I hate you so much that I want to fuck you over for the joy of it", I said. And I don't. I really don't. For I do love him. He is the father of my child, and as such we are bound forever.

There are many things we do well together, but living isn't one of them. We are the married version of the Odd couple - and my nesting messiness irks him beyond belief, making his blood pressure rise to nose bleed levels. For me, his incessant need to clean and straighten feels like criticism - plunging a knife into the cocoon I am trying to build around myself.

I ignore. He pushes back. I ignore harder and he reacts by trying to control my options. While that gets my attention, it can not be said that it gets it in a good way. No. No, sir. If there is one thing that will get me to rise out of my lair, it is the perception that I am being bullied. Good god. Don't bully me. Don't give me ultimatums and for fucks sake, DO NOT touch my stuff.

So the cycle continues. If you threaten to divorce me for 14 years, one day I will look at you and say "Do it."

We are tangled in a foreign country, with me in school and not working, bound by the conditions of my visa that I am a student, and that we are here together because I am a student. Financially bound together in a way that feels stifling - don't want to stay together but can't extricate ourselves from one another....until I get my doctorate and a job. Nothing like a little pressure to make that writing go smoothly, right?

Can't go back. Can't go forward. Just have to wait. Staring at the bear with the cheesecake in my hand. Waiting for it all to pass.

4 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

Well that just sucks. Seems like half the people I know are struggling with the same situation - or at least one that is similar on the surface. God knows THAT doesn't make it easier. If there is anything that we can do to help - have Em come visit? Have you and Em? We have various spaces around NH where you would be a left-alone as you want. Em could even go to camp with Sarah for a while...

Anonymous said...

I've recently extricated myself from a bad and abusive marriage. Emotionally abusive, that is. It sucks. There is nothing fun about not knowing if you want to or wanting to or wondering if he wants to. Love is hard. Marriage is hard. I wish nothing but the best for you.

Anonymous said...

I don't often comment - but wanted to let you know that I completely feel your pain. I've just started counseling for some childhood trauma and in it have discovered that my husband is emotionally abusive and seems to be happier with my being the "unhealthy" one. More than likely as I get stronger - our marriage will become more strained. One day at a time - it's all any of us can do.

Anonymous said...

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