Wednesday, November 03, 2010

I have been pondering the nature of Authenticity.

Years ago, when I was a novice blogger, I never worried about how my words might be interpreted, or how I was presenting myself, or who might see that presentation.

I just wrote.

I knew that my voice was coming across because when friends who knew me - real life in person friends - read the blog, they said "It sounds like you are sitting on my couch and telling me stories".

Ah, yes. Very Good. That was what I wanted. Me. The same experience you would have were you to sit my ass on the couch and give me three gin and tonics and just watch the show evolve.

Years have passed - 5 years, can you believe it? - and I think that I have pretty successfully maintained my voice through all of my own personal storms, as well as the storms that batter the shore of many long time bloggers.

The "Who are you?" storms, the "How are you Presenting yourself to the World" storm, the "Can we box you up nicely and make you an attractive commodity to sell other things" storm, and the "Making yourself a Brand" storm.

In a small gift filled way, my rides on the carousel of crazy in 2006/07, with repeat rides in 09 and 10 have exempted me from some of those decisions.

Attractive crazy is sellable. Crazy that is self solving is also sellable. Crazy that ebbs and flows and sometimes hides in the corner and cries, uncontrollably at times, and slashes at its skin and clothes? No. Keep that shit behind closed doors.

Except I never do keep it behind closed doors.  When I decided to live this life as out loud as possible, I opted to make most of the things considered "personal" as public. Since I am not invested in securing my reputation as Wife, Mother, Woman, the vanity that defeats  self disclosure is refreshingly absent. Of course, I know there are some in my life who wish I wouldn't. This doesn't please Terrance, I can assure you.

However, there are still parts of me that are not for your viewing pleasure. I may show you glimpses, through elaborate fan dances, but they never fully come through.  It is, simply, not your business. It may not even be Terrance's business or Emily's.

Am I betraying my authenticity by not showing you everything?  I don't think so.  You get a hell of a lot. The pieces I retain as Mine are as important as the pieces I share with you. They keep the balance, as delicate as it is.

Keeping my internal promise to be Authentic in this voice means that I will never be a Brand.  But I will always remain Me.

Funny, crazy, opinionated, foul mouthed Dawn.

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