Murder in Ikea

Monday, August 15, 2011

"What do you think of this couch?"
"Don't like it"

"How about these chairs?"
"Yeah, hate them."

"And this? How does this strike you?"
"You seriously like this piece of shit? It's hideous."

"I kind of like this couch - it seems comfy to read on."
"That couch is awful. Who would want a couch like that in their house?"

"Here, try this chair. I like this one."
"Terrance, It's the SAME chair you hated five minutes ago, just in a different color."

"Listen. I am 36 years old. I deserve to have real furniture. I do not want leather couches. I am sick of living on futons, mother fucker. I am not afraid to cut you."

"Did you just say that when you divorce me I can choose my own furniture?
It is O-N mutha-fucka...."

All right, so this may have been slightly more dramatized than the real event....but it was how it went in my mind. I think Ikea should have a lawyer on the way out, so you can draw up the divorce papers. Big ups to the Playmobil Playahs. 

I look forward to furnishing my house in Bookcases, Chaises and floor lamps after the divorce.

Needless to say, we have never gone to IKEA together, ever again.

First Published 2006

2 Baleful Regards:

Mitzi Green said...

for reals--this has long been one of my most favoritest blog posts EVAH. and i needed it today. thank you, thank you, thank you.

Dawn said...

The kind of sad thing? The exact scene would repeat if we went today. Which is why we have never bought furniture together and have some crazy cobbled together furnishings.

But I am totally Chaise lounge-ing it up when I get my own place. And Bookcases GALORE! (I am currently not allowed to have my books external to the bedroom)

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