Your kid is not that special: School Parking edition

Monday, March 07, 2011

I took this picture today, March 8, 2011. Yes, both these cars are Parked and the parent is Gone. Yes, this is a one way street.

Parents who pick their children up from school fall into two distinct categories.

SERIOUS assholes and those of us who have to suffer at the hands of the aforementioned serious assholes with their unmitigated assholery.

Today, in the midst of a massive snowstorm, Terrance (and the school buses) had to wait 20 minutes while a mother who had double parked her van took her time meandering out of the school with her precious, precious progeny.

Seeing as this child has the ability to:
1. Walk of their own volition.
2. Talk and communicate with other human beings
3. Dress themselves

There is no earthly reason why this child needs to be escorted from school TO car by the parent.  Now, perhaps this child, unbeknownst by me, has an alarming tendency to chew on other peoples faces ala Hannibal Lector if left unescorted by an adult. Perhaps this child is the next incarnation of the Dalai Lama, and this has not yet been announced. I do not know all of the facts.

I would, of course, of course argue that if the child is either THAT dangerous or THAT important that Public School is Not the place for them.

If you are picking up your child from school, there are two options. Park in a legal, designated parking spot. I do not care if this spot is deemed by you to be "inconvenient", or "too far away". I do not care if you have a well documented by psychiatric professionals fear of "walking". I DO NOT CARE. Casts on both legs? I DON'T CARE.


It is true that I, in past incidences, have called other parents stupid fucking bitches as well as threatened to beat their asses if they didn't move their fucking Escalade right fucking now. It is true that the other parent in question avoided eye contact with me for two years after that incident even though her child as in the same class of my child.

The only acceptable other option in my book is if you and you child have perfected the art of the "drive by pick up". This is a skill that Emily and I have down to a science. She knows I will not stop my car for more than about four heartbeats.  When she and I have made eye contact, I pull up, she whips the door open and throws her backpack in, jumps in and Buckles up while closing the door.

She is not to continue to talk to her friends with an open door. She is not to fool around. Get In the Car and we are gone. I, for my part, am not trying to chit chat with other parents from an open window.  I have a phone. I have email. If I want to arrange dinner/car pool with you, I can do it at other times by other means.

Your Kid is not the only Child in this school and You are not the only parent who is trying to pick their child up at this Time of Day. Lets keep Assholery to a bare minimum, shall we?

7 Baleful Regards:

Mary_Flashlight said...

We actually "get" to park in the row of handicapped spaces in the front while waiting to pick up the J-man. Oh wait, that's because he and others in his class are flight risks (hello, another perk of autism), and a teacher actually holds his hand/arm as he walks from the school to the car so he doesn't dart out in traffic. Also, if we're not able to park in one of the spots because they're full, he freaks out and has a meltdown right there, and then someone has to be able to pick him up and force his flailing body into the car.

Other parents KNOW this, and yet they still zoom around, throw it into park and run in to pick up their snowflake (or drop off their snowflake). We have handicapped placards for a reason, asshole lady in the giant SUV who doesn't have time to wait in the carpool line but then has time to redo her lipstick and change something on the iPod before screeching out of the lot.

Bren said...

Holy shit on a shingle, are you EVER singing my song! Seriously, there isn't enough bad karma to visit upon these selfish dingbats.

Dawn said...

Mary, I would get out and stab her tires on your behalf.

Gina said...

Oh do I feel your pain. I don't generally drop/pick up my kids from school because they take the bus. But every time I have to, I lose my fucking mind.

Not only do we have parent who double park & walk their kids in, we also have the ones who, instead of being happy that they can pull relatively close to the door, refuse to pull any further than dead-even with the door (God forbid they or their kids have to walk 10 extra feet), leaving a huge line of cars behind them who could have been in and out in the time it takes to wait for these assholes to move.

Last week, my 7 year old (also named Emily) had a sprained ankle and had to use a walker, so I had to drive her to and from school. We actually NEEDED to get close (because a 7 yr old on a walker in the freezing rain = disaster), and I waited patiently in the "parking lane" until all the asshole moved so I could pull up closer for her. Until a bigger, more annoying asshole decided to fly up the "drop-off lane" and wedge the nose of her assholemobile in front of me so I couldn't move up and SHE could get the place I was patiently waiting for to drop off her not-using-a-walker child.

I may have possibly used a very bad word and threatened to beat a her with a walker at the elementary school. I helped Em carry her stuff in, and was told by the greeter that since she was 3 minutes late (because of the assholes), we had to report to the office first. Luckily for everyone involved, they gave her a pass since she had a valid reason (being on a walker)

Dawn said...

Yeah those "I have a spot in front of the door and I am not moving" ones. Grrrr.

At our school we have a rampant issue with double parking and then leaving the vehicle to walk in to the school.

And there doesn't seem to be any way to shame the parents. I mean, they could circle around. I certainly do. It is a one way circle, so you really have no choice. But when Ms Entitled parks the Suburban and hoofs it into the school, she traps Everyone. EVERYONE.

PS, I also got into a verbal altercation with a man who leapt out of his car to berate me for Stopping....Because the school Bus had its STOP sign out and was letting off a child in a wheel chair.

Kirsten said...

Tyler and I both have these printed out in our glove box. that way you can anon. leave a comment on how big of an Asshole they are being. Check the "Other" box and rant away on their ass. I give you permission to use the back for added vocabulary!

Kirsten said...

On another note. The school should make the teachers do a rotation of standing outside and ticketing (money would go to the school) any parents pulling this shit. I went and picked up a couple kids from a school and while waiting (properly) I was talking to a teacher who was patrolling for jerkoff parents like the ones in you photo. I think its a GREAT Idea!

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