Never a good conversation starter

Thursday, March 01, 2007

So, last night, I am transcribing the interviews for the research assistant position. Or transcribing numero three of five.

(And as an aside for any of you thinking about the glamorous field of research - ease up on the qualitative interviews!! Transcribing sucks the asses of a thousand clowns - and not the cute clowns either - the stanky ass carnie clowns!!!! I am forced to drink shots of espresso in a beverage called "THE RED EYE" to stay awake.)

At any rate, I am typing along, buzzing from the coffee when Terrance enters the room. He looks unhappy. What a surprise. I disconnect from my headphones.

"What's wrong?"

He is sick. He is tired. His sinuses, his belly, his head, his back. He is Terrance. He stiffens and begins to expound on the pain of his gas. Surely, if I knew how painful this gas was, I would be sympathetic.

I laugh. A memory, fueled by espresso, bubbles up. I laugh. Terrance suspects I am laughing at him. This, in this case, is untrue.

"What?", he scowls.

"Did I ever tell you...." I let the sentence dangle off. I think better of sharing this story with him. "No, maybe that is one I shouldn't share...."

Now his curiosity is piqued.

"WHAT!" - he presses hard. I balance my dignity with the humor of this story. This guy has seen me push a baby et al out of my vaginal area. I have puked on him. My dignity has already been shattered, a long, long time ago.

"Did I ever tell you about the time I was driving home and was about halfway home when I had to jump out of the car and run into the bushes cause my intestinal tract was expelling something RIGHT NOW!?! And it wasn't in the woods either - it was in the one open space along the whole damn highway - so there I was - hoping no one, especially the police - would pull up and see me squatting by the side of the road, having some sort of truly horrific ass purging...and all I could find after was some dunkin donuts napkins in the weeds, that I had to use cause, well - what else could I do?

That was the day I ran into the house and went straight into the shower. And ever after, I drove by that spot, I would think "Thats the place where I totally shit in the open"."

I stop. He is staring at me.

I wait. and then he says...

"Yeah, thats no big deal."

WHAT? Are you MY HUSBAND?? What the fuck?

My ability to shock him is crumbling.

12 Baleful Regards:

Diana said...

OMFG!!! My sides hurt from laughing...
And he wasn't fazed?
Wow, Terrence is tough.

Small Axe said...

Decided to stop being a lurker. Well the story cracked me up becuase I identified - only stuck on a Highway in the UK and a pepsi cup became my rescue!!

But it is the whole qualitative research comment which has me saying "CAN I GET AN AMEN?!!!" I am now writing up. My research is purely qualitative based on grounded theory. I just finished my third draft chapter. Transcribing is a BITCH PHD! :)

Anonymous said...

dead link above - so - here I am now. :)

Fraulein N said...

WHAT in the hell did you eat to bring on the violent ass purging?

Because I would like to make sure never to eat it again in my life. Unless it is very tasty, in which case I make no promises ... except to have some kind of tissue on my person at all times.

Mommy on the Loose said...

I just laughed so had that everyone came running from other rooms to see if I was okay. I suspect they think I am so close to the verge of a breakdown that hysterical laughter could actually pull the trigger on being hauled off in a straight jacket. Are you trying to get me locked up?

Suburban Gorgon said...

LOL. It is sad when you've been married to someone long enough that you tell a story like that and they're like "meh". Hilarious.

E. said...

See? That's what your blog is for: you can still shock us and make us laugh uproariously.

Anonymous said...

But see, Dawn, YOUR kinda sick could never compare to HIS kinda sick. That's all it is. ;-)

p.s., I find it appropriate that my word verification for this post is "pkukw."

p.s.s., WOW.

Anonymous said...

So he'd rather have false sympathy than a good story? Poor Terrance.

As an aside, I had the same thing happen in a snowy, water filled ditch on the side of the road in PA once. I had nothing to wipe with when the explosion was overwith so I had to use my tights.

Anonymous said...

Can I just say that I'm grateful that something of this horrific nature hasn't happened to me yet? Yet?

Jaelithe said...

I think he had to downplay it because you were out-queening his drama.

Not So Anonymous Michelle said...

WTF, what's wrong with me that I can totally crack up till I cry at a story about shitting!!! HAHAHA and the "sucks the asses of a thousand clowns - and not the cute clowns either - the stanky ass carnie clowns!!!!" comment didn't help matters! hahaha

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