Small Pieces

Monday, December 22, 2008

Writing for me is a habit I need to get back into - and the one I put off most easily.

I get tired. I need to do other things. Animals and children need attention, husband has lost (glasses, belts, car keys, insert item here)....and the days slip away.

So I am going to try to write down small things.

I broke up with my therapist last week. But I did it in a sneaky and kind of underhanded way insomuch as I had to go into have my prescription refilled...and waited until the last possible moment, so had to have one of the emergency appointments ( which pissed me off beyond reason - as if I am a drug seeking Prozac addict. The last time I saw Eric (my therapist) I felt defensive with him. I felt judged. And that made me angry. Which made me want to run away from him.

Because one of the ways I avoid hurt is to completely cut that person out of my life - (Hello, Mom - whom I have not spoken to since August!) Compound that with my internalized need to mask all anger towards men (Because god knows I can't be a perfect girlfriend/wife/daughter if I am expressing my anger at the men I want to Validate and adore me) and I took a sneaky way out.

I went to the emergency therapist and said that I didn't think I could make progress with Eric anymore. And he listened to me and made a referral to a new therapist who sounds like she could meet my needs better.

Now logical Dawn would say that Hell YES, if you need to move on, then move on.
But there is another Dawn who gets angry at her inability to be brave about this - to have just told Eric that it wasn't working - cauterize the relationship and move on.

But I can't. I freeze up. I become blocked and indecisive. I flutter.

Which makes me angry at myself, and the cycle of self punishment begins.

2 Baleful Regards:

alyca said...

Hang in there, Dawn. There *is* a light at the end of the tunnel for you, even if you can't see it right now. Those who love you will help keep you pointed towards it.

Anonymous said...

When I broke up with my therapist (I originally typed therapits, which was more accurate), I simply asked at the reception desk for a different person. Totally passive-aggressive. I'm not there to make them happy. Maybe a woman therapist would be better for you - hope so!

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