I am struggling with surrender. There are things in life which I CAN...NOT....CONTROL...., much as I try and struggle and fret. I am smack dab in the middle of one of those situations right now and it is snacking on a sizable portion of my soul.
There are things happening to and for people I love which I have no control over. I can not flag that train off the tracks, despite laying myself in front of the locomotive. It only runs over me and slices me up. Since there is a loud voice in my mind which yells "Surrender means Quitting - You're a quitter! You're LOSING", I generally patch myself up - leaving some essential and non-essential parts behind - to run to put myself in front of the train yet again.
Because this time it will work, you know.
Since this all also ties into my sweet, sweet abandonment issues, I get a two-fer.
1. Can't save you or help you/nobody likes a quitter
2. I am being abandoned.
The fear has been loud in my head. I spent last week sobbing off and on for no apparent reason. Fortunately, my husband has come to terms with his crazy wife and her "moods" so he merely offers beverages and food and keeps his own counsel. When I stand up and go to the shower at 11 o'clock at night, he just says "You OK?" before settling back into his spot.
Being "The Crazy" seems to have some small advantages. One of which is that I am rarely questioned when I do seemingly random things. Which I'll take as a gift.
On top of all of this is my consciousness of the non-negotiable quality of the Surrender. This event will happen, regardless of my feelings. My 20 years of therapy is kicking in the door to tell me all the reasons I need to back the hell off. Cripes, when you best friend says to you "You've been in therapy for YEARS longer than me - why can't you see that this is unhealthy?", my Head Agrees. Yes. I know. Logical Dawn is strong with her on this one. Logical Dawn knows exactly what she must do - which is surrender to the unknown future.
Taking the path of surrender is in many ways counterintuitive to my survival instinct. Survival says "Plan ahead, scheme, manipulate to make sure you get what you need. No one will take care of you BUT you." Surrender, on the other hand, says "Observe what is happening. Do not struggle against it. Watch. Learn. Stay Quiet You can influence nothing and trying will only exhaust you".
Not being able to control my environment is a lesson that I have a hell of a time learning. As a person who planned ahead for nearly every single life event ( wedding dress bought for three weeks and hidden at friends house before Terrance said "Let's Get Married"? Check. Insane chart to know exactly when I conceived Emily, Um, Yep. Box full of Baby clothes and toys purchased for five years before said Baby came into existence? Yes sir, that would be me. Person who buys Christmas Cards in January and then addresses them in August so they can go out the first week of December? Why, Hello there Me!) the idea of letting go is terrifying.
My inner voice shrieks "BUT! BUT! BUT! IF YOU DON'T CONTROL THIS YOU WILL LOSE FOREVER AND THEN WHAT? YOU WILL HAVE REGRET, WHICH YOU WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH FOREVER!!" Anxiety creeps in behind and whispers "You also won't ever find happiness if you let go. You will never be happy again." Despair is sliding into the seat in the corner, knowing that she will not have to work hard once the rest of the gang has softened me up. Her twin, Desire, knows that when I am weak enough from Despair I will simply cave inward....if there is anything left to consume.
And this is how, I suspect, Delight became Delirium.
She couldn't let go. Holding on made her crazy.
I have got to let go.