Traitor Tree

Monday, May 10, 2010

There's a lot of stuff to say, but I am oddly tongue tied. Nothing earth shattering, for sure, but there is an obstruction in my brain. I can feel it all IN there. I just can't direct it to move forward, move Out.

Normally, Spring is my most productive time, when the flow loosens like the streams which were frozen over all winter long. And am I productive? Yes, but not in things I should be doing. Which infuriates Terrance. He of the "I am forcing myself to sit here and be miserable until I finish it" work ethic. That is not my work ethic. The more I push, the more granite like the block becomes.  I must walk around the block, whistling, pretending not to be looking at it, at all. I must ignore the block so it does not feel threatened, and therefore will desist, laying back down to sleep.

While I want the PhD to be done, my fear of being displaced post degree keeps my other instinct - that of finishing and doing a ridiculously good job - in check.  A small panic attack rose up last week when I was asked first by Terrance what I planned on doing post-degree....then when I was explaining that this was throwing off my desire to write to my supervisor, SHE asked what I planned to do post-degree.

AAAAAHHHHHHH. I don't know. Can't I just do this? Think? Write? Wander? Discuss the uses and place of Memory in  Curriculum Theory?  You know? Stuff?

Terrance will want to move on when I finish, and I love Montreal. I am finally rooted here. The idea of having to be uprooted makes me want to stop growing altogether, like those trees who decide to lose all their leaves in August to prepare for the upcoming winter, the ones I call the Traitor Trees.

He doesn't understand that my need for stability goes so deeply that I would rather shut myself down than be forced out.

After 20 years, he still doesn't understand this.

3 Baleful Regards:

Jaelithe said...

There are some things I think people never really understand about one another, even after lots of practice.

Dawn said...

I know - and even when I explain, there just isn't a way to help him understand. I'm not angry - just sad that I can't effectively communicate this.

Petrat said...

You know my opinion. Stay, let him move. He will come back.

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