Friday, March 04, 2011

I suppose the root could be traced back to my father. In his own little Skinner experiment, a toddler Dawn was sat in front of the medicine cabinet, door open to reveal all the restricted wonders within.

He would encourage me to take what I wanted. I would reach out. He would smack my hand. I would retreat, hand stinging and confused.

After a pause, he would encourage me to take what I wanted.  I would tentatively reach out for what ever color had looked appealing, only to have my hand smacked back. Over and Over we repeated this pattern until, he later told me, I would refuse to reach out to the cabinet.

In this way I was taught to not reach for things that were restricted or did not belong to me.

In massage therapy this week, the therapist focused in on my lower back. "The energy here is heavy", she said. "So incredibly heavy."

Laying there, I wondered what she was talking about. Heavy?  She said it in a way that indicated that she thought it wasn't a good thing, this heavy energy.  I lay there thinking.

"What you call heavy, I call grounded", I finally offered.

"When I am not grounded, I lose myself. I start thinking about things that don't belong to me, or wishing for things that I can not have. It is no good when I am not grounded."

She works on my back, quietly. I have learned to just listen to what floats through my brain during these sessions. I stay in my body and simply react.

"You have a wall around your heart chakra, Dawn - relationships. There is a tight band that lay across the middle of your back - try to release this."

She works diligently. In this thing, my body is not ready to acquiesce. Finally, I say to her:

"I don't think it is meant for me. Any of it. Love, Passion, Emotion. I am not built for it.  When I reach for it, I get smacked back down so why should I bother? It will only upset the balance I work so hard to achieve. It will make me crazy and erratic. Make me forget my work, what I should be doing, and the recovery is so costly. No. I don't think I was built for any of it. It simply isn't meant for me."

I am not crying.. I am not upset. It is simply what it is.

She tries to tell me what she knows of emotions, of passion. Tries to convince me that there is a different way.

Yet, there is nothing to tell me. The medicine cabinet door has been opened and I have finally learned my lesson.

2 Baleful Regards:

madge said...

This therapist is amazing.

Dawn said...

She really is, madge. She really is.

I am doing some of the hardest work I have done in years on this table.

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