Therapist: So how are you feeling?
Therapist: Are you happy?
Me: Happy? What do you mean?
Therapist: Happy. Are you happy?
Me: I don't know. I'm not unhappy. I don't know if I have ever been happy though.
Therapist: Would you say that you are depressed?
Me: No. I'm not depressed. I know depressed, this isn't depressed.
Therapist: Have you considered the mood stabilizers?
Me: Yes...And No. I read up on them and the side effects are unacceptable. The Pristiq is doing fine at controlling the depression. I'm not adding a mood stabilizer that might make things far worse. Maybe I am just not meant to be happy in the way other people think of happy.
What is happy, my internet friends? Where does satisfaction with some of your life become enough? When does one stop looking for or expecting something that is not meant for you, by virtue of brain chemistry? When does the desire for that something spill over into the unobtainable which keeps you chasing the elusive desire that it might be just over there...just beyond that house, around the corner?
I'm not talking about giving up, but acceptance of how it is?
Is this the midlife crisis? Trying to figure out how to reach some kind equilibrium?