My depression came back and smacked me down - deep down. Actually, I have known it has been shadowing me for several months - like a bad stalker I know TOO well, but I have talked myself out of acknowledging that it is happening. As my therapist said on Thursday "Women with really good skills wait too long to get their stubborn asses back into my office"

And I was crying and laughing at the same time, because it's true. So we changed my doses and in 2 weeks if I don't start to shed the shell I feel like I'm living in, I'll change doses or med's again and keep trying to wake myself up out of this numb feeling.

One of the many bad things about depression, is for me, once I think "Oh, I must be depressed", I am usually in way too deep. Also, By this time, I am also completely unable to feel anything - hot water, joy, happiness, humor. Just low grade anger and annoyance that occasionally flare up and throw American Girl doll shoes at my child. Like now....my husband and child are not 3 feet from me and I have the almost irresistable urge to tell them all to get the fuck out of the bedroom. BUT - they love me and worry and my husband has been really good ( all things considered) and my duaghter is wildly forgiving of my check out's with the living world.

They took me for my therapists visit on Thursday. As I emerged after the session - swollen eyes, beaten down countenance - my husband actually looked shocked! SHOCKED! "Have you been crying?" he asked in wonderment.
"What the hell do you think people in therapy do? They cry - Alot"
Then my daughter says "Mama, why have you been crying?" - and my husband quickly cuts me off - since I can't give a dishonest answer to my little girl and says "Because mama is happy."

Apparently, my answer "Your mother has terrible brain chemistry that occiasionally sends her into spiraling depressions where she wants to abandon everything she loves" was not going to be acceptable.

So much for my attempts to save her a few therapy dollars.