I go to Rio

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I had a completely new experience yesterday. Well, kind of completely new, in so much as I added an external participant in my previously "solo" endeavor.

I think that I have demonstrated that I am not a shy woman. What with my continuous and inadvertent breast flashing to half of New Hampshire, one would think that I would be perfectly comfortable and willing to do just about anything.

So I figured. What the hell. It was time to move to the professionals. Even with my Yoga, I was not able to contort into the positions it would require to do a bang up job.

I booked the Brazilian.

I mentally prepared for the Brazilian, much as I mentally prepare for the Pap Smear. Come on, I know you all do it. Are my legs shaved? Lotioned? Toes painted. God forbid we let our hoo-ha doctor see us with ashy legs and chipped toenails...not while they are eye to eye with our holy of holies ( Ha-Ha! a Pun!)

I took my ibuprofen prior to, as indicated by all the web sites on which I researched this procedure. This was to help with swelling and discomfort.I also gave myself a trim. I mean, yes, this was a professional, but there is no need to go in looking like I let everything go to hell.

I arrive and enter the spa. I maintain my air of casual aloofness. As if I expose my nether regions to strangers on a daily basis. That this is "no big deal".I announce to the thin, gorgeous receptionist that I am here for my "Brazilian". You know, me and the Brazilian? Old friends. Best Buddies.

I was escorted to the tastefully decorated waiting area, where I lounged on a chaise. I maintained my air of casual nonchalance. Why, I bet EVERYONE in this place has Brazilians!

The "Wax Professional" arrives. And speaks to me in French.

Fuck. Fuck, Fuckity, Fuck. I immediately tense up. I mumble, "Bon Jour, Hello" - which is my way of alerting all French speakers that I am not one of them. She smiles. She changes to English, heavily accented, but English.

Ok, remain calm. Be Cool. You can do this, Dawn.

I am escorted to a lovely room. And then the charade falls, the gig is up, the canary begins to sing. I am revealed as a Brazilian impostor. She asks "Have you had a Brazilian before?"

"Um, well no, well yes, I mean I have never had one done professionally, I've done them myself...but not very well, which is why I decided to just suck it up and have it done professionally, so I guess , kind of."

I stop myself. Hey-zeus, I am rambling. Her smile does not falter. She begins to explain the different versions of the Brazilian. The demi, the full, the front, the back. Do I want everything off? Do I want a strip left, a patch, a smiley face? Do I want the hair to remain on the lips, or all hair off the lips? I may have gone a little wild eyed at this juncture. Did she just ask me about my lips? Are we discussing my .....labia?

I smile.."Let's just do everything." Cause I can not discuss the benefits of hair on or off my "lips". I just can't. Not to mention that I am pretty sure I just agreed to bare my ass for internal waxing. But, I'm in it now. We might as well just go for the gusto.

Now. Here is where is gets REALLY funny.

She tells me to take off my skirt, but to leave my thong on. In my panic, I mishear her and assume that she wants me to take my underwear OFF and lay on the table. I mean, I don't want to seem prudish.

So I do it. I take everything off and lay down on the table. Midsection on, exposed. Trying to look as if I do this all the time.

And she sees me. In direct violation of her first order to keep my underwear ON, I am laying there panty free. She hesitates. She struggles for the question.
"You did not have any underwear on?"

I begin to ramble, apologizing at the same time. I thought you said..I didn't understand, I am SO SORRY. She hands me a paper thong, which I now most ungraciously try to wriggle my ass into, while still remaining in the prone "on the table" position.

I grow silent. I am the worst Brazilian wax client EVER. They are going to be talking about me in the "Spa break room" for ages: "And I told her to leave her underwear On, and when I came back she was laying there with her underwear OFF!"

The good news? My social shame had now made me forget what was about to happen next. I didn't even remember to tense up. For the waxing had begun.

It feels like what you expect. I had done this at home many times, so the sensation was not shocking. In fact, it was easier to take when you aren't doing it yourself - kind of like having someone else take out a splinter.

Until we got to the aforementioned "Lips". Wow. That was a unique pain. As I am not a "yeller", I merely got very wide eyed and took a very deep breath in. She was talking me through it, and was being quite soothing, but still! Ouch!

And here is my second tidbit of advice. In your "pre-wax" prep, Don't trim any hairs too short. For you will be rewarded for your effort by individual tweezing of these hairs which are not picked up by the wax. Each and Every One. And it will feel like an eternity.

By the time we got around to flipping over for the ass section of the waxing, I was filled with endorphins and way past caring. This chick had just spent 35 minutes staring, with a large powerful light, and Tweezers at my Mons Venus. My ass was not going to phase her in the least.

"Voila!", she announced. And we were done.

I got dressed, and exited the room. She met me at reception where I resisted the impulse to Hug her. I felt as if we had just been through battle, together. Instead, I shook her hand, and left her a hell of a good tip. And booked my next one.

49 Baleful Regards:

Meghan said...

Oh my God woman. If I were to ever have the kahunas (HAHATEEHEE) to get a brazilian, I can assure you, it would play out very much the same. That was a priceless, priceless post. Thanks for taking us along for the ride.
When are you coming for a visit to Minneapolis? Hmm? Huh?

Diana said...

Oh my God, I would never be able to build up the nerve...
Congrats. You are a brave soul. Hope Terrence liked it, I mean you didn't have to use his clippers after all! ;)

E. said...

Yes, I've always wondered, and now I know. But I do have a question: while they are waxing the outer lips, what do they do with the other lips? As in the labia minora? Are you wearing this paper thong the whole time and does that cover the tender inner lips, and if so, how the hell do they get the hair off when you're wearing a paper thong?

I know, I'm asking for too much information. But I have an inquiring mind.

The tweezing part. Yowza. At that point, I'd say "Okay! Close enough! See ya!"

Woman with kids said...

Wow. Ouch. Wow. Do they at least allow you to drink during it? You know, Rip, Tweezer, Gulp, repeat?

Marcia said...

Dawn, again, you did not fail to entertain with your words and the post was of such a personal nature, but funny and informative to. Making mental note that IF I ever get the nerve up to even attempt a professional waxing, not to trim too short. I cannot imagine a tweezing of that nature!

Karen said...

Mon vagine hurt while reading this - I would never - unless very drunk!

Beth said...

wow, I have always wanted one, but have never had the nerve to just spread my cooter for some stranger...although I have before, but not so...."spread open" if you know what I mean. And that stranger didn't have tweezers...

It had to hurt WAY more than you said! Enjoy it tho....and you have to tell if there is a "difference"....

Elizabeth said...

Oh, HELL no. You are a far, far braver woman than I could ever be. Two words-ingrown hairs.

Also, I have to ask, since you're making with the personal info-when they do the um, ass part, are you like on all fours or something? Because I just couldn't...no.

V said...

You booked another one? That is SO not how I expected that post to end. I know that wouldn't have been my ending...had I ever decided to bring up the subject of my "lips" to the internet! :)

wordgirl said...

Sorry...but this bush is going to remain unmolested, thanks.

Nancy said...

OMG, Dawn, when I saw the Brazilian mentioned in the comment on my blog, I just had to head on over because I knew it would be good. And you did not disappoint. Hi-larious! And I'm glad it wasn't too painful -- you've inspired me to maybe try one sometime (though I'm not sure I'd go for the full Rio treatment, if you catch my drift..)

Wendee said...

OMG. I'm so jealous! You're so brave!
The closest I've come to getting one done is having my ex-husband do it... and I farted... twice! Hee hee hee... Serves him right I guess.

Her Bad Mother said...

Did you have to prop yourself up doggy style for the ass part? That's the part that I can't get over. I'll stick to straight-up bikini wax for now. I'm prudish that way - I'm leery of waving my naked ass at just anybody.

And, um, Wendee? REALLY?

mothergoosemouse said...

I think I just now took a breath. My last one was just before I started reading this post.

I need to go lie down.

Mignon said...

Yes!! Now I never have to have one, for I have just vicariously winced through it. Is anal bleaching next? Yes, and please tell all about it!

kim said...

OMG OMG OMG!!! I have wondered and now I know, I am way too big a prude to do that.

jen said...

You are a Woman among Women. I don't even know what else to say...and I can't believe you went for ALL of it.

Soooooo pictures would be asking to much, eh?

(these are the jokes)

tami said...

omg! you are one brave, courageous woman! and jen, pictures? omg! you guys are too much! i do the no-pain-just-nair-it method. i like the no pain part. i know how much it hurts when you get one little pube caught in your jam rag (maxi pad) but a brazillian! omg! i think my legs are still clenched!

Pegomh said...

My twat is hurting just thinking about this, Dawn. Thanks for sharing the info... I KNOW now it is just not for me... But you are my HERO, girl!

roo said...

Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand...

Someday. I've tried doing it myself, which was a BIG mistake, so if I do it again, I'll have to get up the guts to go to a professional.

But still-- EEP!

Beth said...

Dawn, you are my fucking hero! I wish I had half the guts you have! I can't stand the damn pubes and hate dealing with them but I don't know if I could do that. How long is the Brazilian supposed to last?

theotherbear said...

Oh god. I am such a prude I don't like to get changed in front of anyone (except hubby, and I'm close to him but not close enough to even let him and a pot of wax near me). Once the subject of lips came up and you knew she wasn't talking about waxing anything on your face I woulda been outa there. I think I'd need a general anaesthetic for one of these. Not for the pain, just so I wouldn't be conscious and remember it afterwards!

the other mrs b said...

You are so FUCKING funny I can't even stand it. I think I choked on my tongue as to try to hold back the gales of laughter as I read on and on. So now I'm choking AND crying. I think my kitty hurts for you :-) I think I'll stick to my own landscaping, thank you very much. XO

Suebob said...

Good lord woman. I have one blog for you: Campaign for Unshaved Snatch and other rants.

TB said...

Fucking hilarious.
I used to do my own at home Brazilians too. Then I just started shaving everything off several years ago.
It just occured to me that I'm not going to be able to keep this up in another few months, so I've started letting it grow in so I can go have it waxed off by a professional.
Imagine doing what you just did, eight months pregnant. I can't wait.

Mitzi Green said...

you are so much bigger a man than i. i used the "at home" stuff a few years ago, and after fainting from blood loss and a few skin grafts, i swore it would never happen again. about a year ago, i got a wild hair (pun intended) and shaved it all off (i've never understood body hair), and i've done my own landscaping with my trusty intuition razor ever since. i don't even like spreading it for a doctor, much less someone with a bowl of hot wax in her hand and obvious sadistic tendencies.

Fraulein N said...

Holy h-- You, my friend, are a warrior. A goddamned WARRIOR, woman!

Catizhere said...

OH GOOD LORD!!! Bless you woman!

I would have been yelling KELLY CLARSKON!!! the whole time.

Mommygoth said...

I am crossing my legs now. And there they will stay.

jennifer starfall said...

wait, wait, wait.

you let someone wax your butt-crack? please explain this to me. i am sweating a little with fear...

Andrea said...

I don't know what's better, the post or the comments! I tried an at-home wax and it ended badly. Little bits of skin came off but no hair. So if I ever pluck up the courage (Ha! Puns galore!) to do it again, I'll have to get it professionally done. However, this was totally funny, and sort of strengthens my resolve to do it. Someday. For now, I just stick with a razor, which is scarier actually, when you think about it. Until I remember the tweezers. I think I just threw up a little.

I'm also going to learn how to say "fuck fuck fuckity fuck" in French for you.

Andrea said...

And let's not even think about the sort of person who aspires to do that job. "Let's see. I could bartend, or do nails, or go to school to cut hair. I know! I'll wax cooches. That's something I'll be good at!"

What would their title be? Pube Plucker? Snatch Sculptor? Coochie Coiffeur? The possibilities are endless.

Bobita said...

Holy Kooch, not the lips!! Holy Brazilian Kooch, not the tweezers!! Holy blood-speckled Brazilian Kooch, not another appointment!!

Bravery. Straight-up bravery.

Jess Riley said...

"The ass section of the waxing."

That alone makes me want to run far, far away from anyone waving wax near my girl tootyacker.

Dawn, hilarious post. Thank you for letting us live vicariously through you.

jen said...

since this post, the night after I reed it, I had a dream ("I had a dream, that one day ...I would be hairless down there!"...I digress)

anyway, I had a dream that I did this (never have in real life) and the lady asked if I wanted to "go for it" as it were and I was all, "uh, no, I'm not as brave as dawn, just the sides please."

Of course, in dreams, this stuff doesn't hurt, so I was all, "that was a breeze!"

you da mom said...

i didn't know whether to laugh or cry at your post! it was so funny cuz it was so brilliantly true! the talking in the break room bit...genius!

Izzy said...

Yowsa...my hoo ha hurt just reading this. And you don't mention if she gave you anything to keep the ingrown hairs away. If she didn't, you might want to read my post on "Props and Pans" about a product for that very thing. Here's a link:

http://propsandpans.izzymom.com/?p=20

sweatpantsmom said...

What I want to know is, did Terance have a bag of ICED PEAS waiting for you when you got home?

Lisa said...

You made me "eeeek" at the Tweezing part. Eeeek!

liv said...

Brilliant account of this 'touchy' subject. What I really hate is the fear build up between waxes. It causes me to delay and delay and delay and then I've turned into a wooly mammoth again. And then it's more work and takes longer and MORE tweezing. You go, girl, and rest assured, rebooking yourself was a good call!

Waya said...

The whole time reading this post, I crossed my legs and wincing in pain!! OUCH!! And I guess I'm the only one who doesn't know what a "Brazilian" was until the middle of the post. I thought you were meeting with an actual Brazilian or something.

I guess whatever floats your boat, but I do have to ask "WHY?" Oh, that still hurts.

Jenny said...

Oh My God.

You are my hero. You should totally post pictures. And next time get it done in a smiley face. I totally would pay to see that.

Mom101 said...

This is so funny Dawn! I could absolutely see you there on the talbe. But you're better off in the paper panties than your own anyway.

There are many good reasons to get a Brazilian, but a pap smear is NOT one of them. The doctor has seen you shit in the delivery room. You think he/she cares about your bikini wax?h

Sugarmama said...

I'm so glad to read about someone getting a Brazilian! I've always been curious about them myself, but have always chickened out and gone the "neating things up" route. And can I say I'm doubly, no TRIPLY, impressed that you have given yourself Brazilians at home? You've got balls, hon. Or...well, you get the idea.

Audrey said...

I think I know who one of the TWC is from...

I totally feel your pain. I've been getting the "full treatment" for a while now (good job on scheduling the next -- it's less painful when you don't have to start from scratch...) and I recently had to stop because I'm pregnant and it's well, more sensative, down there. The irony is that now more people will probalby see my nether regions than ever have before and I won't be groomed. Oh, the things we do!!

J. said...

Reminds me of the horrible, painful, traumatizing experience of electrolysis. On my face. So, no, I just can't conceivably imagine...going the distance. As it were.

Anonymous said...

On your next posting, please explain (in plain English) why a woman would want to have NO HAIR DOWN THERE?? Is this because you want to look like a little girl again? I read your whole post and I am absolutely not getting it! It's just beyond my comprehension why you'd do that to yourself and then book yet another trip there! No public hair at all. Please enlighten us as to WHY!!!???

Anonymous said...

OOPS. Make that "no PUBIC HAIR at all". LOL

bare buns in LA said...

i just had my first. full on, rip it off every where wax. all that is left is a little patch so my b-f doesn't feel like he's screwing a 10 year old. Why did I do it? several reasons. one I just have this thing about body hair. I swear I'm OCD on that one. Two, I have developed a weird sort of allergy to tampons so I have to wear pads and I never feel clean down there with all the blood up in my cootie hair. Three, I swear I saw my boyfriend pull a hair out of his teetch after going down on me. not that he would tell me. so I figured I"d try it once and if it blows, I'll never do it again. call it a quarter life crisis thing if you must.

it hurt. hell my crotch felt like it was on fire for an hour and it was swollen for a couple of days, but other than that, it wasn't that bad. The lady I went to was a riot. She didn't act like this wasn't the freakish and embarassing moment that it is. we chatted, mostly about movies and music, we joked about men. hell I was more embarassed going to the gyn my first time (it was a guy). I had told her that it was my first time and she just laughed and told me to drop my pants and 'let's not beat around the bush' and we just did it. I haven't decided if I'm going to do it again but if I do, I"ll definitely go back to the same person.

 
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