One of these things is not like the other

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I think I need to really clean off my bedside table.

Last night, I grabbed my lip balm. If there is one thing in the world which can drive me crazy (aside from being licked needlessly by my child, or questioned about my "washing of the chicken" by my spouse) is Dry Lips.

Every night, I apply my lip balm right before I go to sleep. The result? Smooth, unchapped lips.

So, last night, I was finishing my "wash face, brush teeth, use toner, smooth cream on face...check feet to see if Shea butter must be applied" - You know, the night routine.

I reached for my little pot of lip balm and applied.

Truth be told, I was also sniping at Terrance who was being a twit, and I was upset at missing the last few minutes of Deadwood, and was taking umbrage at the tone my husband was using...

Finger in lip balm....and apply.

Lay down on my palace of pillows to watch Daily Show. Begin to think that this lip balm does not taste right. Start to lick lips and ponder the taste. It ain't good. In fact, it is awful. Wrinkle nose, sit up in bed.

Look at bedside table....come to horrible realization that what you just liberally applied to lips is NOT lip balm. Grab sheet and begin to vigorously rub stuff off lips. Ignore husband who begins to call you a "nasty mother fucker" for doing this thing to the sheet ( which his anal retentive ass will be changing, cause you have grossed him out).


Exhibit A ( lip balm) Exhibit B ( non lip balm product)


Jump up and run to bathroom to begin washing lips off with cloth.

When lips stop pulsing, return to bedroom.

Disgusted Husband stares at me and asks the question:

"What the hell is wrong with you?"



Yep. I had applied "Double Strength Bump Stopper" to my lips.

This is, sadly, not the first time I have mis-applied a product to my skin.

Exhibit C (Product for Face) Exhibit D ( Product Dawn applied after coming home a little drunk from her meeting with Fancypants)



And what was Exhibit D?



Yep. Time to clean off the bed side table.....

28 Baleful Regards:

Mommygoth said...

What the *bleep* is bump stopper? Am I a complete product virgin and I don't even know it?????

Karen Rani said...

OH YUCK! Way to go Dawn! LOL!

Elizabeth said...

Terrance called you a "nasty mother fucker"? Wow, that was uncalled for. It's not like you were using his face cloth to scrub your lady parts or anything.

And I just remembered why you need "Bump Stopper". Which is why I will NEVER have that done, EVER.

Fraulein N said...

Hee, I had forgotten why you needed the Bump Stopper too!

Hee hee - oh, wait. That's right, I'm the one who applied Magic Shave to my FACE. On PURPOSE. Being quiet now.

E. said...

So I don't know what the fuck "bump stopper" is, either, but Elizabeth's comment is giving me a clue. Are you s'posed to apply this stuff to your recently brazilianed cooter?

Well, at least your lips won't have bumps. Either set.

Nancy said...

This is why I am not too much of a product whore, because I'd inevitably apply the wrong balm to the wrong spot. :-)

wordgirl said...

Once, I almost brushed my teeth with Preparation H.

mothergoosemouse said...

Okay Elizabeth, THAT was funny. I nearly spit out my dinner.

And Dawn, this post reminded me of the scene in Amelie when the nasty shopkeeper starts to brush his teeth with foot cream.

QT said...

Holy balls - I have to put lip balm on every night too, but damn, girl....

Woman with kids said...

Took me a minute to figure out what bump stopper is... Um? Yuck. However, wiping the lips on the sheet was perfectly acceptable in that circumstance.

kim said...

I think Roy boy and Terrance should start the delicate little flower men's club for straight men.

Andrea said...

I'm not thinking the bump stopper is all that bad. At least now you know you'll have REALLY SMOOTH, chap-free lips. Baby's butt smooth.

TB said...

Girl, I've got your back on this one. Who is the person in your household who uses a neti pot? I argue that it is this individual who is the Nasty mother fucker.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Yes, it is funny that you put Bump Stopper on your lips (I ahd to look it up) but it is WAAAAAY funnier that you got called a nasty mother fucker for wiping your face on the sheets.

Catherine said...

Oh, dear. Nether region ointments applied to upper region parts never ends well.

Angela said...

the good news is that it wasn't target lube (which is what is sitting on my own bedside table--thank god bob can't read yet). i would think bump stopper would be great for your lips. the ones on your face, i mean.

sweatpantsmom said...

I wasn't sure what Bump Stopper was until I read your comments. Then i said, "Ewwww."

When I was helping a friend get ready for her wedding, her nervous mom decided to give herself a mini-facial before the ceremony. As she was applying toner to her face she started squealing and we looked over to see her frantically trying to wipe it off, while an open bottle of NAIL POLISH REMOVER sat next to her. In all the wedding pictures her face is bright, bright red.

Lisa said...

Hey, I did somethng like that too recently.. I handled a vapor plug in and forgot that the menthol oils were all over my hands. And thne I went to pee and wiped. Woo-weee. I had one minty hoo-hoo!

Funny story!

Jess Riley said...

Teebs' comment cracked me up. Neti pot? Right on.

Ah, the dangers of multiple hygiene and health products amassed together...

Heather said...

If it will make you feel better I'll confess to applying hair gel to my toothbrush this morning.

Kelley said...

I have been guilty of similar crimes. A few weeks ago, I reached for what I thought was the Visine, only to discover that it was the remarkably similar-looking bottle of drops for my dog's eye gunk.

My DOG'S. When I called my veterinarian, she actually laughed at me in my humiliated and slightly panicked state.

But I am happy to report that my eyes were gunk-free that day. So, silver linings and all...

Devra said...

Just so you won't feel alone, I will confess that I was once visiting my grandmother's house, thought I grabbed the can of Aqua Net and ended up spraying Lysol all over my head.

tallulah said...

Bump stopper? Minty hoo-hoo's? Oh. My. God. I cannot stop laughing!

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Yikes. Bump Stopper looks like some real serious stuff. I don't think I wanna know.

That Sarah always leads me to fantastic new blogs....

stefanierj said...

Woman, I haven't been here in a long time, and I cannot figure why, because this had me LAUGHING MY ASS OFF because, let's face it, I am SURE that something way worse is going to happen to me one day. Thanks for the laugh--I needed it this week.

Anonymous said...

Ok I am sorry I just read this and had to post. Not only do women do things like this but men do too! And I have to say it is got to be the best when they do!

One of the guys that works for me came to work one morning with this aweful look on his face. Almost like he wasn't sure he had brushed his teeth.

So I asked him what was wrong. He said his mouth tasted like a babies ass! I asked him what to hell he was talking about. He said that he had a little to much to drink the night before got up in a hurry and brushed his teeth... Are you ready for this........ WITH DESITIN! Yep thats right they were on the counter together.

HE HAS NEVER LIVED IT DOWN!

Amber said...

"Minty hoo-hoo"?

-spits wine all over expensive computer screen-....

Oh. My. God.

Angel said...

Good gosh you all have funny tales. So I'll add mine as well.....

I woke up one night with a bad stomach ache. So went to the linen closet to grab the pepto bismol, saw the pink bottle and chugged away. Only to realize a moment later I grabbed the calamine lotion instead. Talk about panic.

I called poison control, they said I would be fine. But only AFTER being sick as a dog, vomiting. Boy were they right, I wished I was dead. NOTE to self, always turn the light on when grabbing in the meds closet.

 
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