Phoenix

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Hi everyone.

I'm Ok. And more than a little embarrassed about losing my shit back there on Sunday. I even thought about taking the post down so that I could pretend it never happened, but that is not me.

I had a hard session on Monday. One of those you feel the need to nap after - nap for days?

One of the difficulties right now is sorting out what are stress reactions - very high stress, like almost non-paralleled in my life stress - and what could be symptoms of bi-polar.

So like lots of things, we have to wait and see. Watch. Assess. Monitor. Confer.

And we know how well I do with waiting. Not.

What these experiences have driven home for me is my absolute need to have support systems. I do not do well when I am fluttering in the wind. I must be grounded in some way.

I also must be working. I am a mother who does not do well as a stay at home mom. I always suspected as much after my 12 weeks of maternity leave with Emily, but never tested my theory. I can tell you for sure now. Part of my ability to cope with life and the world is tied up in the work I do. While my work does not define me, it does provide a space outside my other roles in which to shine. I am a mother who is better for working.

Oddly, Terrance resisted this notion. I think he likes having me home. I think that for the first time in our marriage, he is comforted by my presence. Of course, he doesn't like when I flip out and accuse him of forcing me to move to Canada so that I would have to stay married to him, and dependant on him for everything, that this was part of his nefarious plot to cut my legs from under me and leave me with no options...

It is in this way that he understands my need - my insistence - for autonomy.

So...slowly...I am unfolding here. Starting to look for positions that will fit my needs ( maybe as a TA?), slowly making friends with a few of the other adult students, starting to chat and have coffee (or real Chai, as the case may be) with a few of the school moms.

However, almost like the pine cones that need a forest fire to ready them to seed, what you saw on Sunday night was my wildfire. Burning me up so I could start to sprout again.

And I say without reservation that I love you all. You are part of my support system and I feel so fortunate to simply know that you are all there.

23 Baleful Regards:

Andrea said...

I have never "met" anyone as sure of themselves as you. You have spent years paying attention to what it is that makes you tick, and through the glimpses you give us of how you know what you need, I see ways I can figure my own shit out.

I'm happy to be part of your support group, but I wanted you to know that just by reading your words, you're supporting me. I'm learning from you. And your honesty is what makes it so refreshing.

I'm happy to help you wait. I can distract you with talk of shoes and maple martinis, and pictures of what I'm cross stitching now. Dammit I wish I lived in the same town as you. I think it would be wild to hang out with you IRL.

Jenny said...

Just stopping to say HI and I'm here.

Nancy said...

Gosh, Andrea's comment was so perfect that I don't know what I can add to that.

Except I love you, and I am here to support you in whatever way I can. I am glad to see the phoenix is rising.

madge said...

It's taken me a year to find a real support system here. You'll get there in Montreal. Keep having those chai lattes and know that until your real life girls fall into place, your bloggirls are always here.

XO

Mignon said...

What an awesome analogy. And it's so incredible that you can recognize your needs and do whatever to meet them. To make yourself a better person. That's good stuff.

Plus fires kill most bugs, so you got that going for you, which is nice...

Mitzi Green said...

well, we're happy to have you here, too.

i totally feel you on the "fuck waiting" thing. i'm not only logic-minded, i'm impatient as hell, so i want a logical explanation and i want it RIGHT NOW. which is the exact opposite of what i've gotten in my endless journey that is my son's mental health.

just think of that stupid kitten poster from the 70s and "hang in there."

Country Mouse said...

Well, as I said in my email, I still think you're funny, regardless. And I still want to hang out with you, virtually or (if we ever are in the same location) in person.

Do remember that bipolar is a trendy diagnosis right now... though I don't know if knowing that helps or hurts as you try to sort personality from coping skills from potential pathology.

Elizabeth said...

I agree with everything Andrea said as well. I've been thinking a lot about you and how hard it must be to suddenly have everything change so drastically. I'm glad to hear you're making mom friends.

You mean a lot to me, and I'm here for you if you need anything. Love ya, sweetie.

Mom101 said...

I actually don't think you lost anything on Sunday. Through the sarcasm and tension and wit, I found it remarkably introspective, like you were coming to terms with some really hard stuff. Hats off to ya, mama. Take care of you.

Lisa said...

I'm with Andrea and Mom 101. I think you know yourself better than most people throughout a lifetime learn about themselves.

Been thinking of you LOTS. And I like the wildfire analogy. How very beautiful and profound.

Feral Mom said...

Hang in there, dude. I've been thinking about you. You should *totally* get a TAship. It keeps you regular! Plus, your students would love them some Dawn-style funny.

Jaelithe said...

Dawn, no matter what label someone puts on you, you will still be yourself. No matter what.

You will still be the same person we all like to read.

More importantly, you will still be the same strong woman, the same one who fights every day to be the good wife and mother you have always been. Just because someone puts a new name on your illness doesn't change its nature, or yours. A new diagnosis may give you new tools to fight your battles with-- that's all.

Stephanie A. said...

De-lurking to say that I found your Sunday post to be very thoughtful and it didn't sound as though you "lost it" at all. You were speaking with clarity and reason.

You are a strong woman and you will get through this. I'll be thinking of you.

sweatpantsmom said...

Thinking of you! And you know I think you're awesome.

I'm here if you need me!

wordgirl said...

Sorry I haven't been around lately or I would have known you were in a bad place on Sunday. Still...I'm with you in spirit.

reddragonsangel said...

hey Dawn- do not ever be ashamed of "loosing your shit" we all do it- we all feel silly afterwards- but we are all human! You can never predict the one thing that will send you over the edge- it's ok- and it will get better- we are all with you and here for you- it seems that this coming Holiday season has alot of us teetering on the edge of anxiety and depression, we are all checking our meds and thinking that the "mini vacation" to the mental "spa" is just around the corner and we will all be roomies by the new year! Hang in there - rooting for you- and feeling your pain! P.S. can I add a link to you and true wife confessions to my blog?

Fraulein N said...

I'm happy to be considered part of your support group too. I'm also dealing with some mental shit that has decided to "morph" on me (Like ooh, yay! Fun!) and you are well within your rights to "lose your shit," although I think your post was far from that. I know the waiting sucks but I have complete faith that you'll make it through.

Her Bad Mother said...

I've been totally negligent with visiting my best friends these days, so I missed Sunday's fire. I'm sorry.

I'll say this, though - I can't imagine you NOT bursting into flames in a blare of self-reflectivity and power.

Bobita said...

Dawn-I was sad to read your Sunday post. I know it must be very difficult for you...new city, new path in life, new people. I'd like to toss in a standard cliche like: "this too shall pass" or "hang in there" but what really sits on the tip of my thoughts is: Fuck. You are dealing with some heavy stuff...but you are definitely not alone. You have your bloggies to hold a place of comfort and safety for you...and you also have a few of us in solidarity and many more of us who will learn from you. ALL of us will be blessed, all of us will be better people, for reading your story.

You are a Pheonix. You have already proven that through many of your life trials. So rest in that knowledge. You always rise. Like the first rays of the morning sun. Truly, you are as the dawn.

QT said...

Moving away from a support group and starting one from scratch -been there and it sucked, so I really feel for you. Sometimes we are so hard on ourselves, ESPECIALLY those of us who are impatient. I, too, thought your Sunday post was actually quite clear-minded and echoed many of the themes I find myself thinking about on a regular basis. Don't feel embarrassed or apologetic.

E. said...

I second (third, fourth) so much of what is said above: you know yourself. You know what you need. Sometimes it does take a fire to set things growing in the right direction. I wish you clarity as you figure out how to work things out.

I would fuckin' love to have you as a TA. Imagining that future day when my son is in college, I would love for him to have you as a TA.

roo said...

Here's to rising up from the ash.

I've got your back, girly-o.

kim said...

When I read Sunday's post I couldn't help thinking how lucky Emily was to have you as a mom. I was not so lucky.

Even the strong deserve their moment to be human and no one does that as beautifully as you.

 
◄Design by Pocket