Warning... Graphic sex talk included...and a video!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Terrance downloaded a free movie from iTunes called "Dealbreaker"

I must admit, that I was dubious at first, being in a somewhat shit-tae mood. However, he first warmed me up with two episodes of "30 Rock" (which may be the funniest fucking thing I have ever seen since Seinfeld). I was ready.

So he showed me the film. And I laughed. Hard. Snorted, in fact. Rolled about on the bed. I may have wept at one point from my hysteria.

And then I began telling him tales from the past of Dawn's dating. Oddly, and I know you all will find this hard to believe, but I hadn't before shared much about prior guys I dated with Terrance. I was not the most active gal in the dorm, but I wasn't a prude either. I had a time period between "serious relationships" in which I happily investigated the benefits of being a young woman in college. (Plus I was taking the advice of a certain 27 year old man with a failed marriage that I just needed to be more communicative with my Husband - to just TELL him...)

So, yes. I told him of the one who insisted on wearing socks during sex and how much that skived me out. I mean SOCKS! during SEX!

The one who made disconcerting noises during his final act. I'm all for the sounds of sex, but I worried I was going to have to resuscitate him. He sounded as if he was having an event, and it sounded medical in nature.

The one who's penis was so small that I understood the old joke about "Is it in?", or the one who smacked my ass at the Wrong time, or the one who so clearly knew nothing about female anatomy and I had to endure the worst oral sex of my life, for far too long, but I felt badly because you know - he seemed so enthusiastic.

Of course, I included the ones who never made it as far as my bed because they had said something incredibly Bad during the prelude phase. You know, the insulters, the assholes, the pompous. The ones who say things like the guy in the Youtube video below? The ones you wonder about how they will ever attract a mate and then fear that they will and then these two people will reproduce! ARGH! You know, the ones who during their "opening" conversation give you in detail their opinions of fellatio and how they need to have it, and have the woman swallow in order to have a truly fulfilling sexual experience?

What do you say to that? "Congratulations!"??

Or the one with whom I was kind of fooling around in college who simultaneously called me a Whore and a liar when he insinuated that I did this kind of "thing" all the time with men. He couldn't understand why I got up and left. Not funny.



So, come on friends...I need a giggle as I finish up one take home exam from Satans asshole and begin one of two research papers which may be situated in his left and right ball sacks.

I know there are only 4 of you left since I have taken to posting every fortnight and haven't been spotted on your blogs since Labor Day, but tell me your stories....

29 Baleful Regards:

QT said...

Ok, that was a great video!I have had a the screamer, and the bad-oral sex (now with teeth!). Oh my.

The worst was when I was getting into some heavy petting and the dude unrolled a firehose from his pants -that was limp. After performing unsuccessful mouth-to-penis resuscitation, he went to the bathroom and came back. The room was dark, so I reached down to see if he had fluffed himself into performance mode and I felt an odd fabric. After feeling around for awhile, I figured out that he had gone into the bathroom and tied himself off with his own bathrobe tie...needless to say, I left....that was a little too much for the first time with someone!

Good luck with your papers!

Mitzi Green said...

oh, criminey.

there was the punk rock boy who insisted on leaving his docs on during "it." come to think of it, i'm not even sure he took his pants off.

the guy who put the energizer bunny to shame and led to my comment to a friend, "NOTHING is good for 4 hours straight."

the guy who seemed to go into convulsions upon completion and the first time had me convinced i was going to have to call 911.

the guy who had no noticeable trace of body odor while we were making out, then took off his shirt and the stench slapped me in the face. and he was a sweater. and a jackrabbit. you know what i mean. it was the worst sex EVER. and afterwards he went on and on and on about how great it was. glad one of us enjoyed it...

now quit laughing at me and get to work.

Dinosaur Mom said...

You can't handle the truth!

I have two words for you: colostomy bag.

mothergoosemouse said...

Fucking-A. Dinosaur Mom wins by a landslide.

I never did have sex with this particular charmer, but I got the whole "you're a whore" spiel - and then he pushed me around a bit.

Then my friend - whom I pined for the entire two years I spent at that college - knocked him around at lacrosse practice on several occasions, always reminding him that "This is for Julie."

Dawn said...

Dinosaur Mom, seriously. I think I might have started laughing out of sheer nervousness at the Sight of the CB. How can you when the dudes Shit is like, looking at you from around the corner?

And Mitzi. I had some smelly ones. And the ones who didn't seem to smell bad until you ventured south and then you think "Has this man ever met a washcloth? Or Soap? Cause this is funk that started in utero."

Jess said...

One loser I met in a bar made a disparaging comment about the size of my feet, then questioned why I was wearing a sweater wrapped around my waist. What exactly was I hiding anyway?

His clumsy attempts to kiss me almost immediately thereafter didn't go over so well with me.

Elizabeth said...

I had a guy literally burst into tears as he was coming-and I had NO IDEA what the fuck I was supposed to do. It was like "oh...oh...oh...WAAAHHHH!!!

Fortunately it was just the one time for me and the weeper.

Cindy said...

I had a guy who thought that those "farts from the front" were woman's orgasms.

kim said...

I am so boring. I have no stories. I'm married to the only.

Dawn said...

Kim, some would call that "classy"

Anonymous said...

Recently, I was with a new guy and he was about to "eat at the Y"

when he bobbed up and yelled
"The Smell, I Can't!"

Moodkiller supreme.

Dinosaur Mom said...

I was young. I was easy. I didn't notice until we were naked and I thought it would be rude to say anything about it at the time. Besides, what? It's not like it was smelly or leaking or anything.

Lisa said...

Dinosaur mom -- That is so freaking funny! Ahhhhh. Ewwww.

Trying to remember that far back...

Chrissy said...

The minute man- Seriously! Actually no, I'm giving him credit. We met at a country (as in Yee haw!) club. He was cute (cowboy hat didn't hurt) didn't realize how young (I was 30) he really was till we got to my place and he took the hat off ( thought around 27- more like 21!) Got a little heated up, clothing came off, my mouth headed south, I think I breathed to close to it and it was over. He had the nerve to fall asleep, and in the morning was bustin my chops about random things with my (male)roommate. Well, he scooted quick as soon as I started replaying the previous nights happenings. Ass!

Sorry so long but had to share, although Dinosaur mom definitely has the topper!

Anonymous said...

Dawn, I found your blog from TWC and I'm addicted to both.

Ok, I'm young, but I have some doozies.

1.) The guy who was good for 3 minutes or 15 thrusts. Which ever came first. And I'll tell you, it was never me.

2.) The guy who was so small, I felt like a pedophile.

3.) The guy who was very hygenic everywhere but where it counted. I'm going to put it out there: Crotch crumbs.

4.) There was the time we're having sex (throws of passion, people) and I hear people coming into his house. Turns out his mother has a key and she's not a knocker.

5.) I've been walked in on by a brother, a sister, a mother, a father and there was the guy who didn't want to kick his cat out of the room before we started. Lets just say, there was only one pussy present in the room, and it wasn't mine.

6.) There was the baby talker.

7.) Oh, and the one who was so intrigued by my boobs (they're squishy!) that he didn't get any farther.

8.) The guy who's penis was so big that we physically could not have sex. I actually felt kind of bad for him. He was hot and hung. Just a little too hung. He was porn-hung.

9.) And finally, the best one: The guy who suggested that I start shoving random objects into his ass. Like the metal end of a barbell or the end of a hammer. When I refused (for safety reasons... could you imagine explaining that to the hospital??!) He asked if he could pee on me. I have never gotten dressed so quickly in my life.

Oh, and on a side note, I've worn socks while having sex before, but only because the guy's room was so disgusting that I didn't want to catch any sort of foot fungus when we exited the bed.

Love the blog!

art said...

ok ladies I am completly lmao from these comments. unreal! damn i feel bad for some of you. peace~art

Anonymous said...

CROTCH CRUMBS?! I know the expression is a bit overused, but I think I literally just threw up in my mouth a little.

Andrea said...

There was the guy when I was 15 that I'd crushed on for a long time. In all my enlightened wisdom, I told him I had a problem with fellatio without reciprocation, but he whined that he had a cold and couldn't breathe. He never called me again, so I never got a chance to sleep with him, which now I'm very glad about.

Then there was my ex as well as first, who was more concerned with his own size than I was. After we each went to our respective colleges with promises to make the long distance work, he decided to get more opinions on his size and didn't tell me about it. But #1 led me to #2, whom I married.

I couldn't be happier with #2. And incidentally RONALD, #2 knows about my past (such as it is) because we have open lines of communication.

I want to know more about Terrance's reactions to your revelations.

TB said...

I dated a guy with a small (1-2 inches soft, 3-4 hard) penis for two years. Eventually he began making up for his er, shortcomings with really good oral. I know what you mean about the "is it in?" question.

Also bad oral is correctable if you take the time, but what about the ones who won't do it at all or act like it grosses them out. Those are the guys that don't make it past the first time or two.

Jess Riley said...

Wow. Crotch crumbs, colostomy bag, funk started in utero...*wiping tears away* God this is hilarious.

I had your random assortment of awful encounters: with Microshaft, One-pump-chump (actually, it happened while unzipping, so there weren't even any pumps), Mr. High Pressure, Mr. Fellatio but no reciprocity, etc. ad nauseum.

But my ex-husband really takes the cake. He'd stick a booger on the top of my steering wheel while I was driving (laughing hysterically while I screamed), and in college he left a giant grease spot on the wall near my bed where his head had been for probably only 50 nights. Gee-ross.

lildb said...

blatantly thieving from le Cho (b/c Margaret can TELL it re: the lame sex encounters) to describe the fire-hose I was sprayed by, and truly, I only finished the act b/c I felt pity for the fool; but I really wanted to ask him if he was gonna check my oil with that thing. (I can't remember which routine I'm stealing it from, but it's Margaret, alrighty.)

also, I was in the midst of sex, where I was on top, with my boyfriend at the time, who was living in his frat house (my one and only accidental frat-beau, godddd), only to have the roomie AND HIS ENTIRE FAMILY walk in on us.

that ruled.

theotherbear said...

Hahaha - those were all too funny. How about the guy who was begging for it, and upon being given a negative answer said "Come on, it's only small, it won't hurt" and whipped it out. It was about 1" long, and that was while excited. Oh and skinny as a pinky finger.

I can't imagine not mentioning the colostomy bag when you're about to get lucky. Haha.

E. said...

That was hilarious. Hm... maybe I've just been lucky, b/c I can't dredge up any really bad stories. Mushy-mouthed kissers never got a second chance with me, then there was the one guy who had a bristley moustache and tasted like an ashtray. But other than that...

Wait. I have one. Driving with a friend maybe on the verge of becoming more (this is in college)and he says "You're good looking. If you weren't you wouldn't be in my car." Uh, OK. Well, I guess we won't be "becoming more..."

Feral Mom said...

Tip for the lovers out there: Announcing your impending orgasm by moaning "Here comes the mayonnaise!" will throw your partner into throes of hysteria, not exctasy.

M-M-M-Mishy said...

"Here comes the mayonnaise"?!?!?! I'm dying over here!

jen said...

Feral Mom...OH my GOD. These are so hilarious.

Um, I'm sure I have better material but one thing that jumps out:

One guy I dated had an 8x10 pic of himself hung up in his bedroom. It might have been his college yearbook photo and it was a super cheesy pose. So as we were "getting busy" I could see that picture of him staring at me. It was so weird that I had to end it.

(Seriously, what guy (and he was about 30 years old) has an 8x10 of themselves hung up in their room...?)

Oh, and while not a sex story, one b/f, after dating for close to a year, and I was dressed in a negligee (what you call the little dress dealies?) decided that as I was headed to the bathroom to say, "ya know what? you're a big girl." I tossed his jack & ginger soaked ass a few life lines so as to help the dick out: "you mean I'm tall?" (no) "You mean I'm muscular?" (as all he was seeing was my legs) (nope). "Broad shouldered?" (nu-uh). I was just a big girl. I guess I dressed deceptively small/skinnier than I was. Do I mention his overweight ass??
And the rub? I was wearing a size 4 most days. yeah, why that one didn't last I have no idea.

Her Bad Mother said...

There was the guy that cried. And the guy that warmed me up by giving me condoms and beer as a Valentine's gift...

And, of course, like everyone, I have a pinky-man (Mr. Smaaaaalllll) in my past...

(MISS YOU. But I understand how draining grad school can be...)

Anonymous said...

Hey Dawn,
Another TWC addict who found her way to this blog. . .love both! Anyway--the craziest guy I was ever with (not a real interesting life I've lead) apparently he was not really experienced. Everything was completely normal until suddenly he literally started vibrating. He wasn't even moving up and down--I'm not sure what he was doing. I think just clinching and unclinching his butt cheeks really fast. Finally, I said "What are you doing?" He said "I don't know. What do you want me to do?" Rudely, I said "If I wanted a vibrator, I would have used my own." Nice, huh?

Lisa said...

Hi!

I found this blog through a link from TWC. Funny as all get out!

Mine is pretty tame, but I met this cute guy through mutual freinds and we went out a few times.

Very intelligent, cute, nice job, nice car, nice manners (holding doors open and pulling chairs out). After the 4th date or so I'm really feelin' him. I'm thinking I've found a great guy!

He'd been very polite and respectful up until then. Just holding my hand and cheek kisses, long conversations, no pressure to go further. A real gentleman.

Anyway, after this date we go back to his apartment parking lot (I had driven myself there, then we left to go out in his car). I'm really liking this guy and planning to go up to his place for a bit of making out at least, maybe more.

He leans in and he smells really good and I'm vibin' off him and it turns out he's a really good kisser. Not too sloppy, nice lips, nice pressure, nice tongueplay, grinding his hips into mine slightly. Niiicely done. I'm getting into this.

The next thing I know he pulls back and looks deep into my eyes, leans back in as if he's going to nuzzle my neck...and he does a full tongue LICK UP THE SIDE OF MY FACE AND INSIDE MY EAR!!!

I was like WTF???

And he looks at me like he really had done some sexyassed shit!

My face felt like when a puppy licks you. My ear was all nasty and wet.

MOODBREAKER.

I just thanked him for a lovely evening, turned and walked to my car, drove around the block to wipe my face with a damned Wet Nap, then promptly lost his number.

Ewwwwwww

 
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