I really kind of deserved a ticket

Sunday, February 11, 2007

So, today I parked in front of the bakery.

I clearly parked in a "Don't park here for the love of the French Language!" space.

I knew what I was doing. I out on my hazards to run in and get a cup of coffee. I mean - one stinking cup of coffee? Maybe a danoise? I kept my eye on my car. I was looking for the ever vigilant Public Security.

I dart back out to my car and think I am home free.

Damn it. He saw me. He is turning on his lights. He beeps at me. I try to pretend like I have no idea that he is beeping at me. I make the fatal error of smiling at him.

Fuck. Now he thinks I am mocking his Au-thor-I-tie. He gets out of his minivan. I try to be non-chalant. I smile.

He opens with:

"Do you speak English or French? Can you read?"

Me: "English .... what?"

Him: "Can you read?"

My face falls. I struggle within myself. Yes, motherfucker. I can read. I bet I can read a good deal better than you ever dreamed of reading. I bet I could run literary fucking circles around you. I swallow this down and try to fix my face into some kind of vaguely non-hostile expression.

I don't do well. This is what flies out of my mouth:

"Do I read? Well that was more than a little bit condescending, don't you think?"

He looks taken aback a bit.

"Well, we have pictograms if you can't read."

His bluster is beginning to deflate. I stare at him. I am not even trying to look non-threatening anymore. I am now using my best "Teacher/Offended White Woman with a touch of her Black Sister&Mother in Laws/Woman staring at man who is attempting to assert his penile authority over her" look.

"I can assure you that as a PhD candidate at McGill, I can read, perfectly."

He pauses. He is not sure what to do. He then tells me to get out of my car to clean off my license plate!!!

WHAT? My face reflects my inner thoughts. I sputter out, "With what?" as I begin to frantically search the seats for something that could be used to wipe off my dirt encrusted license plate.

I finally find a napkin and get out to begin to wipe off my plates.

This guy was really lucky that Vlad wasn't available. A Public impaling would have commenced and I, frankly, would have thoroughly enjoyed it.

Then he sees my plates. American plates. He knows he can't write me a ticket. He shuffles.

He says: "Well, if the real police couldn't see your plates, they could give you a ticket. Consider this a community service."

I get back in my car.

I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut. Or just start cutting people.

15 Baleful Regards:

Lisa said...

What a jerk. But I think its kinda funny that in the end, he couldn't write you a ticket.

Did a little piece of you want to say, "na-na-na-na-boo-boo. You can't get me."

mothergoosemouse said...

So he really said "if the REAL POLICE"? What the fuck was he - the FAKE police?

Jess said...

Two words. THE. LIST.

I'm adding him.

TB said...

So he was just fucking with you? If he couldn't write you a ticket in the first place what was the point of all that other than swinging his dick around? He deserved Vlad.

Woman with kids said...

Wait. He can't give you a ticket? Because you have American plates? Does that work for speeding too?

At least he knows he's the pretend police...

madge said...

Oh, Dawn. You have teh enviable quality of being able to come up with the best thing to say right on the spot. I always think of it 10 minutes later.

LOVE IT!

Meghan said...

Ho utterly fantastic that he couldn't give you a ticket because your are American.

You should gave gone Zsa Zsa on his ass.

Lori said...

I think you handled it perfectly.

Anonymous said...

shank him with your shiv, or would that be siv him with your shank? I never could quite keep that straight.

Fraulein N said...

Oh, somebody needs to CUT HIS ASS.

Nancy said...

Seriously, I have a question. Are you allowed to drive if you can't read? I mean, don't you have to read road signs and shit?

Maybe if you aren't one of the REAL POLICE, you don't have to read either.

M-M-M-Mishy said...

The fake bacon are always out to make you feel stupid, probably to feel better about themselves and their silly job. Way to hold your ground, Dawn!

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That Chick Over There said...

I vote for cutting people.

 
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