Who knew that scarves have a purpose?

Monday, February 05, 2007

I have to admit it, Montreal Winter - You reign supreme. I have been trying to play off that I am a New England gal, and accustomed to winter and winter-esque weather.

I had my boots, a few hats (I mean the damage to the potential styling sensibility I was woefully trying to pull off far outweighed the need for head warmth) and my gloves.

What I did not have were scarves.

At first, I assumed that women in Montreal ( and men too) just liked the way the scarves looked. They matched the hats to the scarves and looked damn cute. Cute in a way you never see in New Hampshire. I was envious. I wanted to look cute too.

I began to acquire scarves. And matching hats - or hats that could match, at the very least.

For the majority of the winter so far, I understood the scarves to be there to make me look cute. A fun way to add some splashy color to my brown coat.

Today, however, I discovered that scarves have a real purpose. And what could that be? you may ask...

To keep your lungs from freezing which sends you in a nasty coughing spell as the inner workings of your lung tissue struggle in vain to decrystallize so that you can actually filter out the oxygen from the air.

They do this task by filtering the air through the layers you have wrapped around your nose and mouth to warm it, ever so slightly. The scarf also absorbs the mucus that will begin flowing out of your nose, hiding this hideous sight from the eyes of the general public.

The scarf will, if you are lucky, provide some relief to your soon to be chapped to hell lips, as the bitter cold will leach every ounce of moisture from your carefully manicured mouth. Your lips will retract and dry out, as if they were in one of those time lapse movies...you know the ones where the flower blooms and dies in 3 seconds?

The final thing the scarf will do? Absorb the tears that spontaneously spout from your eyes, as the wind hits them - flowing in a unique "Over and under" wind shear on your glasses.

I declare you the winner, Montreal winter. Me and my scarf collection will never doubt your power again.

16 Baleful Regards:

Mitzi Green said...

that is one hella-impressive array of scarves and matching hats. i am impressed.

but i already learned the importance of the scarf, years ago, because i live in missouri and i'm a pussy.

Jess said...

I love scarves. And I love your collection. I have to tell you, Boston is no picnic right now, either. I went outside during lunch and it wasn't long before I had tears and snot streaming down my face. It wasn't pretty.

MsLittlePea said...

They're pretty! I spent a winter in Quebec--NEVER AGAIN!! It was beautiful though.

madge said...

Yeah, Maine blows (ha!) right now, too.

I'm so annoyed by the lack of toddler-sized scarves (blasted choking hazard fearsm!) that I might just have to remind myself how to knit.

madge said...

Oh, the dreaded "fearsm." When will they abate!?!

Sorry. I never proofread.

meghan said...

It has been 16 BELOW ZERO. FARENHEIT. here. I think that was the HIGH for the last 48 hours.

Yesterday, I baked bread and learned how to play chess as an alternative to giving up completely and walking naked into the tundra if only until my brain froze, offering up sweet escape from the infernal seemingly neverending cold. The decision was a tough one. I am getting wierder by the day.

Nix Sidhe said...

Here in Pittsburgh it was -23 degrees F with the wind chilll factored in. I had to walk around down town and I had the coughing frozen lung thing all day. Talk about miserable. Your scarf collection is beautiful, just sayin' nix

Heather said...

Plus scarves give you that "frost on the eyelashes" look that's so coveted if you tie them just the right way! I used to live in Ottawa and walk to work in -40 weather. (you're free to question my sanity, I do too)

Lisa said...

Ohhh all those pretty pretty scarves.

Saw the coolest shoes recently. Bought them and thought of YOU!

TB said...

It's funny. They wear scarves in cities like Atlanta and London, but they're really more like fashion accessories. It's not until you live someplace truly cold that you come to appreciate their functionality.
I lived in Ohio for two and a half years and I had enough hats, scarves and gloves to fill an entire laundry basket in the bottom of my coat closet. When we moved to Florida, I gave away all my coats. All of them, but I kept a few scarves for old times sake.

kfk said...

A lovely collection! Now how 'bout mittens?

Fraulein N said...

Scarves indeed rock. I'm going to need to buy some new ones soon, as mine seem to keep sprouting little legs and running the hell away.

Anonymous said...

I agree, matching gloves and mittens are a must (I went to McGill for three years and now live in an equally cold city, Ottawa). When it's super cold (like, um, now), wearing wool gloves with mittens over them (all matching, of course), works well. The only thing I never figured out while living in Montreal is how all those women wore such lovely, high, pointy boots in a city where the sidewalks and streets are so steep and are almost never properly cleared...
Cheers, Wilma

Donna said...

"Truly cold," as one of the commenters put it, is in the bones of the beholder - or something like that. As a native of Los Angeles, I never even owned a scarf... but since marrying a Brit, every time we visit my husband's family for Christmas (and contrary to what someone here said, when it rarely gets colder than 50 in the winter, that place is truly cold!) I realize how necessary scarves can be... because I ALWAYS FORGET to pack any. So I end up paying too much for one over there and now have a collection, too, (which I never wear).

E. said...

I love scarves. If my neck is cold, I am cold. I start wearing scarves in October. I have fall/spring scarves and then the hardcore winter ones.

Welcome to the excellent world of the muffler.

Suburban Gorgon said...

Hi-frickin-larious.

 
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