Hi.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Why hello there, friend(s).

Remember me?

I know - I've been in and out for the past couple of months. On a good week I manage two posts. On bad weeks I managed...maybe one. My visiting habits dwindled to almost nothing - and I felt badly about this. Really badly. Of course, then I became overwhelmed with how much I have missed with you and that I will never catch up and that led to anxiety attacks...well you kind of get the idea.

You may have called. You may have emailed or even sent a letter. I most likely didn't respond, as I rarely answer my phone and have been known to even avoid my email so as to not have to interact with other humans. It wasn't you - and I say that in an authentic manner. I'm not trying to break up with you in a nice restaurant, or the college dining hall ( as an aside, was it Only at UVM that a majority of breakups occurred at the Dining Hall? It became a sport - Spot the pissed off dumped partner...)

But I digress. Which is what I do often. But you knew that.

I guess what I wanted to say is that I know you've been watching - even if you haven't commented. I know you all check in with me - make sure nothing major seems to be going down, as I maneuver in my holding pattern with life.

I am, on the whole, WAY better. The manic episodes have not recurred since I ditched the Wellbutrin, and I can say with certainty that this particular medication was NOT for me. I am one of those minuscule percents who have a very definite and strong reaction to it, as it nearly immediately sends me into a full fledged mania.

Of course, the root issue was the move. The root issue was my giving up my identity professionally. The root issue was my sense of my loss of freedom financially and loss of status. This set the stage for much bigger demons to make their debut. And I found they not only debuted, but they kicked the asses of every other player on the stage until they were allowed to rampage around alone - pulling down the velvet drapes and setting them on fire.

OF course, I am less afraid of my crazy since my postpartum depression. Every episode that I manage without planning to kill my child seems a step up from the darkest days of that depression. No, this last one was targeting me, and me alone. There were things you all didn't know - the episode where I hadn't eaten for at least three days, and ended up with strep throat, crying hysterically in the doctors office, thinking I was dying. Terrance was away and without him to watch me - telling me to eat, I simply failed to eat. Or drink much of anything. This was confounded by my throat closing up with the infection and becoming dehydrated. I lay on the table, sobbing, embarrassed, trying to explain that I was at the tail end of a manic episode, and sure that they were going to stick me in some kind of institution. The "special" doctor came to assess me - taking down all the names of the therapists treating me.

There are other things that I am not sure I will ever be able to talk about. Who knows. Maybe someday.

The good thing that I learned is that I am creative and able to keep my professional life on a somewhat even keel - getting A's in all 4 courses I took during this year, while being gripped by an ungodly writers block. I wish that on no one, for when my desire to write dried up - my lack of stories - the discontinuation of the running commentary that narrates my life inside my head - that is when I knew something very dark was happening.

I have learned that depression is not something that one "gets over" - like the strep throat. It is something that I manage. It is something that sometimes overtakes me and kicks the everlovin' shit out of me. I both hate it, and have learned to be fond of it in a way I never expected. I learn a vast amount about myself in retrospect - regardless of the fact that I may be hiding my head under the quilt the whole time and insisting that everyone go away.

I can't promise that I will suddenly re-appear on your blogs - although it is one of my goals to start reading again faithfully. Not out of obligation, but because I ENJOYED it, them, you. I can't promise much of anything except that I am working to get myself back in balance, and that I am almost there. I am laughing again. I have made some peace with my husband. I am a mother to my daughter. My writing is becoming smoother and feels less forced to the Dawn inside my head.

I am sweeping away the ashes of the velvet drapes. I am tidying up the stage for the next performance. I think you'll like the next incarnation - at least I hope you will.

24 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for checking in with us. I hope you can hang out again. You've been missed
QAT

Karen Rani said...

If you need anything. ANYTHING. Email me. I've been there, and I know. Take care of yourself honey.

JayMonster said...

More lurker than anything, but appreciate the check-in and am looking forward to the newly reorganized set, and glad you are feeling up to doing so now.

Country Mouse said...

Welcome back, Dawn. We've missed you — and I'm sure your family has missed the real you even more.

thailandchani said...

I'm mostly a lurker here, too. This post is a good reminder of what it's like. Been there. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.


Peace,

~Chani

Mignon said...

Hi. I missed you.

But one thing I noticed: you still brought the funny on desperately.seeking - what does that say about your brain? Let me guess: ugly dicks bring manic episodes or ugly dicks are made funnier by Wellbutrin. What do you think? Am I on to something?

mamatulip said...

I've missed you, and have thought of you from afar, not wanting to email or poke myself in to a space that I knew was quite...difficult, and private for you.

I'm thinking of you, and am here if you need anything.

TB said...

I'm so glad you're doing better. It's hard when we're in the middle of it not to want it to be better right this minute, to realize it takes time to set things right. Give yourself time.

Mitzi Green said...

none of us thinks less of you, none of us judges you, all of us miss you. period.

Jess said...

Oh, Dawn. I'm glad things are looking up for you.

Fraulein N said...

Oh, Dawn. You're fricking amazing. Take time, take a break, take care of yourself. Whatever you need.

Elizabeth said...

I'll admit it, I miss you! I'm so sorry to hear how rough things have been, and I do hope you are finding some peace and quiet now. I am always available for phone calls or emails if you feel like talking. And I apologize for having been absent from Desperately Seeking for so long, I promise I'll be back real soon to snark on the photos!

SUEB0B said...

Just yesterday I was wondering "Where the hell is Dawn?"

Take good care of yourself. Big hugs.

Marcia in Maine said...

Welcome back and I welcome you on your terms of coming back, not on mine. Don't get me wrong, I love your snark-ability and the wit of your writing, but if you find it forced, then it probably is and to write for someone else isn't really writing as far as I can see it. Why do something that causes you more grief when you're not ready to do that something. It's like forcing someone into therapy when they are not ready to go. Sure, the therapy sessions occur, sure some insight may (or may not) be gained, but it won't be as helpful as therapy when someone's actually ready to accept it.

Through your postings, I am able to accept myself a bit more than I usually do, as I discover I am not alone in my feelings, understandings and insecurities.

Andrea said...

It's good to see you're doing better. I was wondering about you. I'm glad you checked in, and I'm looking forward to the new set. I'm just glad things are on the upswing for you so a new set is possible.

Take care of yourself, woman. We'll be here when you're ready.

SuzanH said...

De-lurking to say:

*Wellbutrin is awful. i had a horrible reaction to it myself.

*I'm glad you're doing better.

*You kick ass.

Meghan said...

AH. Glad you are back. I was wondering where you went.
I have always appreciated your honesty and your willingness to share your experiences from the dark side. Sharing that experience, and removing the shame, is so beneficial to others, and to the person doing the sharing. At least I hope so.
Glad you are getting back in the saddle again.

Jaelithe said...

Nice to hear from you. Heaven knows, with two other blogs, a child, and a full-time school commitment, not to mention that whole adjusting to life in an entirely different country thing, I am amazed you still manage to post here at all!

Mom101 said...

Just take care of yourself, mama.

Bobita~ said...

My dearest bloggy sister...

Thank you for sharing your voice and your process (on behalf of those of us who have needed and appreciated it). You and I have occupied much the same space over the past few months and your presence in this space has given me courage, hope.

Take very good care of yourself.

Nancy said...

Lots of love, friend. You know where to find me always, if there is ever anything you need.

jen from boston said...

this is better than the "I'm just not IN love with you" schpeal I thought you were preparing to give me in Blogger Dining Hall.

Glad to hear you're on the mend. We'll be here ...

kristina said...

You writing this shows that there is courage and strength within you. I know that you will get through this. And when you do, we'll all still be here.

lildb said...

I totally get it, and I totally get your desire to explain it.

It just is what it motherfucking is.

And I'm glad you're still here, not in the blogging sense, but in the time/space continuum sense.

the end.

 
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