It isn't the moving objects, it's the ones that stay still

Friday, July 13, 2007

I think he may be trying to kill me.

Of course, in his view - I may deserve it. I did, After all, manage to hit an immovable object AGAIN with the car. The only car that is currently running. Since his car is in the shop. Again.

All right, all right. I have a bit of a "history" with hitting immovable objects. Starting on the first day that I had my now older new car. I backed it directly into my old car. Denting it. Nothing too major but you know the whole "can't have nothing nice" speech? Um, yeah. I got that speech. And the dent buffed out.

The car is a Concorde - 2000. It is Massive. A boat of a car that I did not choose, but which I accepted as graciously as I could. This thing is like driving the automotive equivalent of an aircraft carrier - Long in a funny way with a tail end that sticks WAY the hell out.

While is was okay to drive in New Hampshire, it is an unholy terror to drive in Montreal. The size alone makes parking ( nearly all parallel) nigh unto impossible. Add in the capricious whims of Montreal drivers, and the roads which have been actually compared to those of a third world country (Really, they have) and it is honestly a bit of a minor miracle that I haven't hit MORE things.

Dying to know what I hit aren't you?

The corral for shopping carriages, in the Walmart parking lot.

I will pause as you laugh, snort and otherwise picture me hitting this thing...and looking genuinely surprised. Especially as I was pulling into not ONE, but TWO open parking spaces!!! It did not help that an elderly gentleman of African ( as in FROM Africa) then came over and began what I believe was empathizing, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. I am pretty sure the "F" word was used - out loud. At least twice.

There was much crying and rending of hair and gnashing of teeth as I placed the phone call home. I began my greeting with " You are going to scream at me, but I am asking you to keep that to a minimum...all right?" It went downhill from there.

Then I - like anyone in a similar situation - took to my bed for nearly a day. Very Stuart Smalley-esque.

So, of course, I am suspicious of his suggestion I take shower during the lightening storm this morning. I tell him of my family and our long oral tradition warning against the showering of people during natural ( or unnatural) electrical events.

He denounces my old fashioned white people beliefs. I then invite him to go ahead and shower first. He declines.

My victory, although silent, is confirmed.

11 Baleful Regards:

Mitzi Green said...

i, too, have a history of hitting immobile objects. more than i care to disclose.

Bobita said...

I hope you at least changed the oil in that car before you crashed it into that corral. Heh. Heh.

Nice reverse-psychology with the shower.

You know what Chris Rock says about love, don't you? "If you haven't contemplated ain't been in love." Heh.

(I would have quoted Rumi, but Chris cracks my ass up.)

Julie Marsh said...

Kyle's the one in our house who hits immobile objects. I try not to get too exasperated.

I like the idea of taking to my bed. Perhaps *I'll* try that the next time he hits something.

SUEB0B said...

You need a big ass truck with one-a-them fabricated bumpers, the real thick kind. I backed into a telephone pole going about 25mph and not a scratch. Not a scratch.

Jennifer said...

So this is why my husband is always trying to get me to shower during storms. It's all become very clear!

Sorry about the car. Sounds like something I would do.

Girlplustwo said...

oh walmart to boot? the horror.

is the bed immovable?

BetteJo said...

The way I look at it is - hey - it's a car, transportation, it's not like you ran over somebody's puppy or something! What's the big deal?

My son backed into a pole, knocked my side mirror off, and a few other things I'm sure I don't know about. Oh well. Still gets me where I'm going!

Fraulein N said...

What? It was in the way! Why do they always put those things in the way like that?

Her Bad Mother said...

Silent victories are sometimes the best kind. They linger longer.

Anonymous said...

A couple of weeks ago, a concrete wall jumped out and smashed in the side of Roy's car that was a lease car that he was suppose to turn in the next day. I called him and said" I hit the wall outside of your office, the damage is bad, I'm sorry, please get over it by the time you get home." And then I hung up.

Anonymous said...

Look - sh!t happens. I had not one, not two, but THREE mailboxes attack my car. The last one ate the side view mirror (I blame Kanye West and his Gold Digger). But I claimed victory as it lay dying, on its side in the yard....
In 10 years, will it really matter? Nope.

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