Town called Malice

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Well, maybe not a whole TOWN....maybe just the thought of my high school reunion. High school reunion called malice...

(I dare you to make a fucking musical out of THAT, Disney)

Nancy recently was talking about her upcoming High School Reunion. Year 20. How she dreads it, even though I don't think she is going. This spun my mind to thinking about MY high School reunion and how it is next year. Also year 20.

Now, at year 10 - 1998 - I was 3 months post delivery of Emily. I had a shiny new baby. I had a still somewhat shiny newish husband. I had a decent job in my field. I had been published. I felt pretty damn good. I looked all right, for having monstrous nursing boobs.

In addition, I had no alcohol tolerance. Two glasses of wine and I can only recall snippets of the evening. Suffice it to say that at one point, I do recall saying "So, too bad I wasn't voted most likely to marry the only black guy in Vermont..."

Not long after, I think Terrance cut me off.

After reading Nancy's post, I was in the car with Terrance. I was telling him about her feelings - and by extrapolation - MY feelings.

This is when I announced my real intentions.

"I plan on going to my high school reunion to show how AWESOME I am!"

This got his attention. He stopped ignoring me and perked up. "What?", he said.

"Me..... AWESOME...... I plan on going to my 20th year reunion to show how AWESOME I turned out... Suck on that Be-iotches!"

He frowned at me.

Now, it has been long agreed upon in my house that Terrance IS the better person. More responsible. Kinder. Polite. Selfless.

Not me. I am the person to yell "Suck on that, be-iotches" at people. If I could peel out and splatter mud on them, I think I would.

"Dawn. First of all, what do you have to be so boastful about being awesome? and secondly - you plan on going back and telling people that you have been holding some sort of grudge for 20 years and you hope their lives suck? Really? I can't believe that you are so petty."

I turned and stared at him. About 70% of the time, I back down at this speech. I mean, it IS petty. I should be far more adult than this.

But, like the scorpion on the back of the frog.....I can't help it. It's my nature.
On this day, I rose to the challenge.

"I have an awesome internet Empire. I will be 3/4ths of the way to my PhD. I may not be skinny but I fucking rock. I mean - my shoes ALONE! I live in Montreal for Christ sakes! I'm smart and funny and I win at life! I know it's petty, but I don't care. I have these people etched in my MIND. I know their names. I have a mental list!!!"

He sighs, deeply. He has never understood this need of mine. However, his is the ignorance of being one of the popular kids. He was liked by everybody. His high school life was smooth and uneventful.

I, on the other hand, mentally took down names. There are people I would like to corner in a dimly lit room and lord my awesome-ness over them. Of course, in thinking about this I wonder....Am I on someone's mental list? Was I the person someone else marked down as wanting to have a talk with - 20 years later?

So, while the many-years-in-therapy-adult in me knows I should mingle and be gracious and warm, for these people have stories I did not know, reasons for why they did things they may have done, life experiences which may have damaged and scarred them...the 18 year old has some names on a list and she has had 20 years to perfect her proof of why she is better. Smarter. Funnier.


16 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

You are completely awesome. You should totally kick ass and take names.

I am still so torn about going... I would love to also go and prove how awesome I am and how much I've done, but I'm nervous that one sideways glance or remark will send me back to insecurity land. Not sure why my high school years always did that to me.

High school reunion AND BlogHer the same weekend, and I'm not going to either. I've gotta find something seriously awesome to do that weekend.

Anonymous said...

Everyone in my high school is 1000% more awesome than I am, professionally.

I don't know if my 1000% more awesome shoe collection can stand up to their books, advanced degrees, movie credits, etc.

cindylou said...

From thh experience of not going to my 20th and from listening to those who did....Don't fall for it, instead get tickets to a great concert a jazz festival or reggae block party. GO do something awesome. Don't just be awesome, be awesome without them.

It is the same old shit, all the "popular" kids hang out and talk about their awesomeness. And the outcasts huddle togehter and try to pretend high school was fun and good and it is all BULL SHIT!!

My friends who went said it was the biggest waste of money and time and they wished they had done something better with their weekend.

You can always meet me at teh inn and we can party with the band....

Dawn said...

But see - thats just it. I don't know that I really am That awesome ( and I am NOT fishing for compliments here)

but this need to go and State that I am awesome? Puzzles me.

Julie Marsh said...

I grew up in that same town, and I had a total BLAST at my 15th reunion because I didn't even need to announce how awesome I am - people FLOCKED to my awesomeness because I honestly no longer gave a rat's ass about who was popular way back when, I was confident that I would be popular NOW.

It was the craziest thing. Way way WAY too much fun. Especially since I wore a dress that fit me when I was in college (the early years of college, to boot) and had the pleasure of telling a former football player to stop staring at my tits.

I'm already looking forward to my 20th because I plan to be a total Internet rock star by then and will blog the CRAP out of my former classmates. (insert evil laugh)

Go, and allow your classmates to flock to your awesomeness. Same goes for Nancy.

Anonymous said...

But you ARE smarter, funnier and better. No need to hide it!

Anonymous said...

If you do decide to go, I know which shoes you should wear.

I saw a picture of the Spice Girls in the newspaper and noticed that Scary's shoes look a lot like your awesome red shoes. But I just googled and found this photo and hers are not as nice.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to my 10th this year. I'm going for the exact reasons you are going to your 20th.

Anonymous said...

lol i love the "awesome internet Empire"! cracks me up. :)

Jamie said...

Yup, kick ass and take names. Go get 'em!

Fraulein N said...

Dammit, you ARE awesome. And Terrance's confusion over your need to assert that probably does stem from him having been one of the "cool kids."

Should you need to do that? Well ... no, but so the hell what? I think as long as you're classy about it, there's nothing wrong with a little bragging on yourself. I think in general women are conditioned not to "toot their own horn," so to speak, so I'm not surprised that it puzzles you, this need.

Dr. Brainiac said...

Honey, when I went to my 20th a couple of years ago, I didn't have to say a word about how fucking awesome I am. The snarkies would ask, "So, what are you doing now?" and I'd downplay it by saying something like, "Oh, I'm still in school." They of course assumed it was trade school or whatever then were totally fucking floored when they asked what I was studying & I told them I was finishing PhD study in clinical neuropsychology. All of a sudden I was the most popular chick ever. Whatever. I was charming and gracious and fabulous and didn't say it out loud but I was definitely thinking, "Go back to your trailers with your piss ant high school diplomas and 4th husbands and your 7 kids from 7 different men and rot. Bitches." Let's just say I felt vindicated.

Anonymous said...

Yes, they should know of your awesomeness. Absolutely.

I went to my ten year and while I never had a list of names or anything, I'd be lying if I didn't say it felt good to see the head cheerleader was a total loser and I was thinner than 95% of the women there.

Mignon said...

My fear is that, like you, I would go and blah blah blah I'm so awesome, get me another beer blah blah blah, and all the kids on My List would look at me like Terrance looked at you and shrug and say, "Yup, still weird."

And then I would regress 20 years and get zits and drink until I vomited up boxed wine in the back seat of a light blue VW bug.

Anonymous said...

It is amazing how much high school fucks you up. I have a friend who went to his reunion to show everyone that he's not a loser. At the very least it put to bed the high school ghosts he carried with him.

Kristine said...

Oh yeah, I get it, I totally get it!

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