Spider of Damocles

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Apparently you didn't get the memo that I passed out to all spiders upon moving here a year ago.

The rule is very firm. I tolerate you, in your shower corner perch....and you are not to come down anywhere near me as I shower. This rule has been observed without incident for many years with many of your friends and relations.

I do not kill you. I do not throw hot water at you. I do not scream.

You, in return - STAY PUT. We can maintain human eye to anrachnid compound eye contact at all times, just to make sure that the rules are being obeyed. A De-spiderized zone, if you will.

Imagine my consternation upon turning and finding you at about nose level as I showered this morning. All right, it was very early afternoon, but who are you - my mother? I was in the shower for crying out loud. I had already done a load of laundry and washed the dishes. What is it to you when I get myself into the shower? Geesh.

At any rate, upon turning after my initial "wet down", There you were.

I maintained my agreed upon silence. I spoke to you in a fairly calm voice, given the situation. I directed a gentle puff of air in your direction. As if to say "Hey, Spider. Hustle it back up to the corner. You have no business here."

Apparently, in your spider handbook, this was an invitation to descend a little further. No. No and No again. This is not part of our agreement. When I am IN the shower, naked and wet....

{and hey spider, thanks for all the pervs THIS search term will bring to my blog. It is bad enough that the labia picture, Brazilian wax wanting, meth addicted shiv making shankers peruse my thoughts. Now this. Lets give them a treat. Anal! Donkey! Elves! Foot job! }

You are to maintain the agreed upon distance from me. There is no "hey, maybe this is the time to check out which shampoo she is choosing today" moment for you. Shit - check it out all you want when I am not in the shower. Take a swim in it. I don't care - but not when I am in there.

I next moved to the actual Verbal commands.

"DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK? GET BACK UP ONTO THE CEILING!!" as I puffed vigorously in your now wildly swinging spider body direction.

Still no affirmative response from you. Maybe you are dead?

I stopped puffing and moved back under the water. I waited.

And you unfurled yourself, did a little spidery about face and looked at me.

"Please", I said. "Don't make me kill you - just get back up where you belong and we will be fine. I realize the irony that I have about a billion times the size on you and yet I am the one huddled in fear. It must be very empowering, but PLEASE, Go." *

and the spider hesitated.

And crawled back up onto the ceiling.

Where instead of going to the corner, he/she SAT on the ceiling directly above my head. Not moving for the rest of the shower. Reveling in his/her victory as the flabby and pale human hastily finished showering and fled.

* Sadly, Yes. I did have an actual conversation with the spider. I wish I made these things up...but I don't.

5 Baleful Regards:

velocibadgergirl said...

OMG, I totally talk to bugs and spiders, too...and I have a similar truce with them. If they stay up in their cobwebby corners and eat bugs, I'm cool with them. If they come within a few feet of me, not so cool.

Mitzi Green said...

(consciously ignoring the fact you have conversations with bugs and therefore prove that you, yourself, are buggy.)

um, yeah, spiders? not so good with boundaries. which is why i usually just have them "taken care of" at first sighting. saves everyone a lot of heartache in the long run.

Bobita said...

Oh, I wish I had 1 ounce (Sorry, I forgot...metric system, metric system...how about 28.35 grams. I won't lie to you, I had to look that conversion the fuck up!) of your spider tolerance. Alas, I would have killed that hangin' bastard on sight. Sanctity of life my ass, some things have just got to die. Heh.

Anonymous said...

My deal with the bugs is that they live outside. If they're outside, all is cool. If they're inside, they're taking their little lives into their own little ... legs? whatever! If I can catch 'em and throw 'em out, all is good - otherwise, it's lights out. Sorry! Goes double for those quarter-size hairy spiders. Eeewww.

Fraulein N said...

Hey, I've had actual conversations with bugs. Sure, they were more like monologues than actual conversations. And sure, they mostly consisted of me screaming "DIE! Die die die!" in a tone typically reserved for refusing to use wire hangers, EVER. But hey, whatever works.

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