Le Chat, Redux

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I believe that you may be retarded.

Yes, I am aware that I am a bit of a literal pussy when it comes to being brushed. In fact, I recall some lovely deep scratches that I left as I clawed my way up and over your back a few weeks back. You did deserve it bitch, admit it.

So, lets recreate this fuck fest, shall we? There I was - My full winter coat in all of it's glory. My occasional hairball pukes found about the house were my gifts to you. I had decided to spray my love juice on your couches and to remind the male of the house who really ran things around here by pissing directly on his white dress shirt. You know - just to shake him up a bit.

Because honestly, bitch - you know I am not going anywhere. He might get all irate and storm around at nine o clock at night, running out to the local grocery store to rent a loud ass upholstery cleaner and insist that you help with the full fledged cleaning of all couch and chairs in the house - but he isn't getting rid of me. Why? Cause I cuddled up to the spawn, stupid. Did you see how I ran into her room and jumped up in her bed, looking all "Who, me?" when he found the piss?

I do not find you amusing. I should have known when you were all "Who is a good girl? WHO is a GOOD girl?" that morning. Aside from sounding like you left part of your brain in a jar somewhere, this phrase generally bode no good for me. The last time you pulled that shit, I got plunged into the bathtub. Are the scars still there from that little blood letting? Good.

But this time, you and the loud spastic child put me into the car and drove me to the "groomers". I use that term loosely cause we both know she is as much of a stupid whore as you. I heard you, by the way. You wanted to shave me entirely again. I know that you think it is funny. You know what I think is funny? The shit I plan on taking in your little collection of Matt and Nat purses in your closet.

After the Nazi you call a groomer got done yelling at you for letting my coat get into this state AGAIN, you LEFT. Did you enjoy the cup of coffee you went to get? Didja? Good - cause I want you to ENJOY yourself. I want you to be lulled into a sense that I am perfectly happy looking like this AGAIN.

Keep smiling at me. Go ahead. Know you what might be HYSTERICAL? My pissing on that silver box you are constantly tapping on. Bye Bye Dissertation work. Bye Bye all professional and academic writing. Now who's a good girl?

Yeah. I'm a good girl, you stupid bitch. And forget about those stupid fucking sweaters. I mean it.

14 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for making me LOL today!!! I used to have a Persian and ended up shaving her a few times. I kNOW this is what she was thinking too.

This might be the most hilarious post I've read online in forever!

Mitzi Green said...

oh, god, how i love le chat.

Anonymous said...

Le chat posts crack me up. I swear you are reading that cat's mind.

Anonymous said...

Now that I have stopped laughing, I am thinking I should get rid of our cats...just in case.

SUEB0B said...

Cats hate us. They are just using us for food and warmth.

mamatulip said...

Oh my god.


Hilarious, dude.

Jaelithe said...

I used to have this cat that was part longhair Persian, and part regular mongrel domestic shorthair. Her overcoat was domestic shorthair. But her undercoat was all Persian. So, if I didn't brush her frequently, the too-long undercoat would mat up the overcoat until she looked like a cheap rug.

I think she was sent to me as cosmic retribution for all the times I whined at my mother about brushing my hair when I was a little girl.

Anonymous said...

Mmmrowl. I like shaved pussy AND pissing on Bitch dissertations. Call me.


Anonymous said...

Oh that poor cat! In that second to last photo, he looks like a poodle!

Anonymous said...

I saw some dogs wearing pants while we were in Central Park this past December. Maybe...uh...never mind.

Meanie said...

ohmygod i came here by accident and am so glad i did! i'll be giggling all day!

Hannah said...

just random clicking brought me here. and i laughed out loud. you owe me a laptop because i spit hot tea all over the screen.

Daisy said...

Snorting wine cooler through nose -- I love the cat's expression, too. So, well, feline!!

Anonymous said...

You are a total cat channeler. If that creature grew to tiger size, you'd be dead.


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