Wednesday, October 05, 2011

It is an argument I have had with Terrance since I began blogging in 2005.

The nature of being exposed here, on the other blogs, and in general.

I don't harbour a naive belief that I am magically invisible here. Or that somehow I am immune to judgement or manipulation using my own words or images or pictures. I do not think that everyone would look at my blog(s) and love me, or them.

It isn't that I don't care, either. I worry ( plenty) about not being able to find a job or having an unknown person use the things I write and share as ammunition to belittle me, or not hire me, or do some as yet unimagined damage.

Some of this, I think, is an act of courage, to show myself as truly and honestly as I can.

Some is an act of ego - I would be lying if I pretended it wasn't. I like knowing that others find value in what I write, or share.

Some is my way of connecting with other people external to myself, since my Bartley the Scrivener  instinct runs strong ( I, too, would prefer not to) And some is a reaction from a childhood steeped in secrets, my need to testify for others.

However in all of this, all of this what ever is distilled into some essential Dawn-ness is the knowledge that I say or show nothing here that I wouldn't say to you, or most people, in conversation.  Yeah, people who have met me will tell you - I really AM    just.       like.             this.

Yet - and here is the real kernel of truth for me - I do not feel that I am all that important.  The people who may find this blog by google? Accident. Happenstance.  People who I may have known ages ago who have wondered what became of me, people who like me, people who don't like me, and the rare people who love me....all the same Dawn.

I've had very little troll behaviour since I began blogging in 2005, and for that I consider myself lucky.  No one has photoshopped my child  into tasteless photos ( partly because there are very very few pictures of her here) or otherwise pursued me with any kind of malignant intent. Not that this is an invitation.

Maybe that will change someday. Maybe when I get a job ( sigh, I wish) I will have to look at my blogs and consider if they are still serving the purpose that I want them to serve, for myself more than anything else, or if they are harming me in a way that I can't yet imagine.

I don't know. I would miss them, but not at the expense of feeding myself and my daughter.

So until that day, I will continue to believe that I am just not that important here in my utility closet of the internet, with all my bits and bobs, goofiness and photos.

Distilled into essential Dawn-ness.

0 Baleful Regards:

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