Get to know your toilet

Monday, October 31, 2011

A funny thing happened last night.

I woke for my increasingly normal "It is 3 a.m., so I have to pee" visit to the bathroom.

I pushed Emily back to her side of my bed and crawled out.

I went to the bathroom and used the facilities.

I flushed.

I went back into the bedroom and lay down.

What is that sound? Is the toilet still running? Hmmm. Not sure. Going to lay here for a few minutes, maybe I am just hearing things.

No, I am pretty sure it has been an abnormally long time since I flushed. The toilet should have refilled by now. Dammit. Now I have to get back out of bed. FINE.

Pull top off of toilet. Huh. Thats strange. The water is almost up to the line, but I can still hear the running noise. Apparently I just didn't give it enough time. I'll wait here for a few more minutes. God, this bathroom is kind of dirty. I really need to scrub that tub out, that grout is abysmal. Wow. I have alot more gray hairs than I would have thought. When did that happen?

What is it cat? Just because I am awake , standing in the bathroom, is not an invitation for you to stare longingly at me. I'm not feeding you.

Why is the toilet still running? I know FOR SURE that the water should have refilled by now. I'm going to jiggle the handle. FUCK ME! The handle just fell off. What the hell?

Oh, I see. The chain fell off the arm and is stuck under the seal thingy. Shit. Now I have to reach into the tank, with freezing cold water, fish around until I get the chain and try to reconstruct the chain/arm ratio... I was asleep not 15 minutes ago.

How on earth does this thing go on the arm? There is no hook at all. OOooooohhhhhhh. There is another piece at the bottom of the toilet. Terrific. I have to reach back in there and extract the piece.

Stop watching me Cat! I am not happy about having my arm fully immersed in the tank of the toilet at 3 a.m., trying to figure out the structure of all things toilet. Do not rub my leg. That is not helping.

Ok. Chain successfully re-attached. Now where did the handle go? Sweet suffering Moses. The handle! Where is the handle?? Oh, for fucks sake.

Behind the toilet, of course. Reattach, replace lid...wash hands.

Wow. I'm wide awake now. Plunging your entire arm into icy toilet water really brings one back to life. Add this to the list of "things I had no idea I could do, but now know that I can, if needed."

I hope I can fall back to sleep tonight. Damn you bladder.

Gimlet Eye, 2006

1 Baleful Regards:

Dawn said...

PS, I do not miss my daughter sleeping in my bed AT ALL. I finally cured her of that at age 10.5 years.

Take THAT as a spooky Halloween Tale of horror.

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