"And on the weekends, I like to dabble in Kabuki"

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The trip to Montreal was lovely. In fact, I remembered why I like Montreal SO very much. I remembered this as I was drinking red wine and eating fondue and crepes at 2 in the afternoon.

I then fell asleep in an IMAX movie "South African Safari 3D" which was completely in French. I have established that I am not a French speaker...Correct? Did the "Viger" give it away? Alas. I am not. Yes, I am moving to a town in Canada that speaks French as it's primary language. I plan on using wine to get me through the first year.

We stayed in the Chinese Quarter. Emily and I had our fortunes read by an elderly Chinese man on the sidewalk. She thought that was fabulous. I let him rub my head and ears and chin as part of his reading of my health and fortune. Terrance tried to talk her into getting bubble tea, but she was having none of it after the sight of the formerly live ducks in a window.

But here is THE story of the Montreal trip. If any of you ever meet my husband, you must not tell him that you know this, as he has explicitly forbidden me to blog about it. However, I think that we can all agree that only heightens the deliciousness of the tale.

On Saturday morning, Terrance rose before his wife and daughter. This insures that he gets the shower first. Indeed, this means that he does not have to take part in the bathing and dressing of Emily. I will forgive him for this, as he also decided to go out and fetch his wife coffee. This is a wise man, for he knows that placing a hot cup of coffee in my hand upon my awakening is a good omen. For this, I will forgive the attempted shirking of parental duty.

Terrance showered, dressed and rubbed lotion upon his face. He then departed from the Hotel. He walk about a block and a half to the entrance of the Metro Station, where there was a coffee shop. He noted the many homeless people near the entrance. He noted they did not approach him with requests for change. He assumed it was the "Bad Mamma-Jamma" vibe he was giving off.

He strode to the counter and ordered his coffee's and pastries. He noted that the counter staff gave him odd looks. He discounted this, as it was fairly early in the morning, and perhaps they weren't accustomed to such a well put together black man gracing them with his presence. He paid for his coffee and began to walk back to the Hotel. The homeless folks again left him mysteriously alone.

He re-entered the Hotel and nodded to the concierge. He did the "Wa-sup" head nod. He entered the elevator and looked at himself in the mirrored elevator.

Instead of applying face lotion on his way out the door , he had applied a white clay mud mask. He looked like a man in reverse black face.

I don't think I have laughed so hard, for so long, in my life.

Ah, I do love that man.

24 Baleful Regards:

roo said...

Damn, he's smooth!

Glad you're back in Blogland, Dawn. It's not the same without you.

Nancy said...

Terrance's stories crack me up. If and when I do meet him I promise not to spill the beans, but it will be sooo hard to keep that mental picture out of my mind. ;-)

When do you actually move? (you may have mentioned the timing before, so if so forgive me...)

giddybug said...

I'll never tell.

I also didn't link to your ball-icing peas story for the entertainment of a friend who had a bag of mixed veggies in her sweat pants. Not I.

Lauren said...

AHAHAHA!!!!
Poor guy, I almost feel sorry for him *snikker*

mama_tulip said...

LMAO. I feel his pain. Have I ever told you about the time I put lotion all over my face and went to sleep? Turns out it wasn't lotion, it was NAIR.

Zut alors! I can't speak French well either, and I live in Canada. It's all good. ;)

marshatm said...

Omigod. That is the funniest thing I've heard in a long time. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk him into re-creating the moment and then post pictures here. If you also get him to hold up a bag of frozen peas in the photo that would be an added bonus.

Are you moving to Canada?

Also, I have been meaning to read, and then comment on your 'White LIke Me' essay but want to do it when I have a nice block of time to read it carefully. I can relate, being the mother of 2 bi-racial girls, one of whom can never remember that she is half JAPANESE, and instead informs everyone that she is "Chinese, you know, like MULAN."

Elizabeth said...

I was gonna guess tinted moisturizer, but white clay mud mask? Wow.

But hey, at least he remembered his WALLET!

jen said...

yeah - are you moving? I thought you were doing your PhD by remote whatyacallit?? I was just gonna work the nerve to see if you wanted to hang. Jesus christ.

Just back from soccer - read this- and could hear the weezing I laughed so hard. I sounded like I've been smoking 3 packs a day for 20 years. that was awesome.

Jen said...

also, ditto was Eliz said - least he had his wallet!

Lisa said...

Oh crap. I laughed SO HARD I think I woke my demon child!

That is SOOO funny. I LOVED it. THanks for the laugh. I needed it today as my sweet little boy turned into demon child from the netherworlds and oh dear god. I'm ready to tie my own tubes RIGHT Now.

Also, didn't know you were moving... When?

Also, saw your post on one of my entries. You are right. When you breastfeed you no longer really think of the boobs as a sexual thing. They aren't just "fo sho" anymore. I didn't realize that my thinking regarding this body part had changed while many others (mostly men) still look at boobs and think "oooohhhh! Booobbbssss!

Kristen said...

Oh that is classic. WHERE is the camera???? LOL...

The Gradual Gardener said...

Is this the same city you're moving to? If so, he might want to find a new coffee shop!

V said...

Ha! That's just wonderful. Oh so wonderful! He didn't notice that his nose was white or SOMETHING out of the corner of his eye??

halloweenlover said...

OH. MY. GOD. I cannot believe that ONE of those individuals didn't stop him to let him know that he had stuff on his face, although I suppose maybe they thought he knew. How did he not feel the tightening feeling on his face afterwards?

Did he wake you up with the mask on? BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA. Poor poor Terrance.

BTW, if Josh wakes me up with some coffee, it is also a good day for me.

Jess said...

At least he was all exfoliated and shit. Hee!

Also--he routinely puts moisturizer on his face? I've been trying to get JDawg to use moisturizer and lip balm for years now. Personal grooming isn't his strong point, as I have to remind him to brush his teeth.

Jenn said...

Oh, that is far, far, far too good. I love Terrence. But what was his reaction? Did he die laughing too? I would pay good money to see 1) his reaction in the elevator or 2) the reactions of all the people who saw him a la Mud.

Dawn said...

Terrance is the most vain Mo-fo I have Ever ever known. The man religously lotions his body - as all black men generally do. Being ashy is a bad, bad thing.

And yes, he did have the sense to laugh at himself. Which the Miltant 1992 Terrance would have had a much harder time doing. Cause he was on his Black Muslim kick them...

Fraulein N said...

So. Funny. Hee! At least he wasn't ashy!

Mignon said...

Oh, Dawn, I am still laughing. That was hilarious!
In fact, I had to share the story with my 4-year-old, just so I could tell it out loud and laugh some more.

madge said...

No. Just, no. That's worse than walking around with your skirt all tucked up into your panties all day.

Awesome. That made my day.

mothergoosemouse said...

Thank you. I really needed a laugh, and I'm sorry that it had to be at Terrance's expense, but damn that was funny.

And hello - please elaborate on what is going on here. I know I haven't been stalking you as closely as usual, but how could I miss all these important points - like trials and moves and so forth?

Diana said...

Oh. MY. Freaking. God.
There are people in my office today and I'm popping veins trying to keep from laughing when I read this.
Seriously, if I ever met you guys, you would have to punch me so I won't laugh in his face because I will so get a visual of this story...even the homeless were avoiding him!!! That says something!!!
I didn't know you were moving to Canada! Am I reading too fast and skipping critical info??? When??

Beth said...

Oh. No.

I am rolling with hysterics here. ROLLING. I keep picturing the WHOLE stroll down the street - esp. the homeless ignoring him. You know you're in trouble when the homeless are trying to avoid eye contact!!!

Hey, I won't breathe a word of it to anyone. Maybe.

Mama D said...

Wait, he moisturizes? Good for him! Canada is great and Montreal is supposed to be beautiful!

 
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