Karma's a Bitch

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Last Saturday, I went out. I went out to a bar . A Bar which I am not ashamed to say, I have frequented...Frequently.

We were in town, and had dropped off the demonseed, I mean Emily, at her grandmother's house. We then fled to the veritable safety of a coffee house and drank latte whilst reading old copies of the "New Yorker". I think I actually felt my boobs return to their pre-child perkiness while engaged in this adult behavior.

It seemed safe enough to go on up to the Inn. After all, my friend of 14 years was meeting me there. She even got married there! Now, aside from the time Terrance forgot to open the chimney on the fireplace in our "fireplace suite" and the fire alarm went off ( and no one came to check us, cause they were all drunk), we have always had a wonderful time at this Inn. This was no exception.

However, you know you have changed age demographics when these dudes come to hit on your girlfriend ( Hey There Patrick from New Jersey. Didn't think I was serious about the putting your picture on my blog...)

And even though you didn't BELIEVE that my friend here wasn't sleeping with the Dude in the band - you did plop your ass at our table and failed to even offer to buy us drinks. Then, you called in "Scott" here as your wing man. Which, at this juncture, I should mention that you had best be mighty glad I was about 5 glasses of Merlot into the evening, cause I might have been a lot more offended...

When it became clear that Neither of us was going to sleep with either of you - and when my large black husband came from the lounge and said "Everything all right here?" You both left.

That is when we started taking pictures of the Band...( who are friends of Cindy ( pictured above) Bill played at her wedding when he was in a band called "Murphy's Law)

And a very grand time was had by all. Or at least me and Cindy. So about 3 glasses of wine past what should have been my limit, I took this photo...

Which somewhat accurately depicts how the world appeared to me at that time. Terrance appeared and peeled me out of my seat. He was also quite tolerant as I made him pull over every 10 minutes upon my threat that "I need to Throw up". At one point, a hitch hiker approached him, expressing concern regarding my state of ill health. The hitch hiker even offered to get "help". Perhaps it was the stream of what looked to be blood flowing from my mouth. Alas, it was only Merlot.

Upon arriving at my mother's house, I promptly got the spins. Nothing like being 35 and having the spins at your Mother's house. I also re-acquainted myself with the toilet her house in a manner which I had not anticipated. And fell asleep in the shower. And woke up when the hot water ran out.

Hey TB, still want to room with me at BlogHer?

But here is where Karma kicks it up a notch. I got up, feeling slightly cruddy but surprisingly good - I mean considering the puke fest of the night before. We say our goodbyes and leave. We plan on stopping at Sugar and Spice for some pancakes. Ummmmmm Pancakes.

So we go on in, and I order a big old stack of cakes to soak up the leftover alcohol in my belly.
Emily turns and says "Is it hot in here?"

Then, "My belly doesn't feel so good"

And I reach out, just in time to have her vomit repeatedly in my hands. My cupped together hands, which make a perfect child vomitoriom. I then have to walk through the restaurant , holding a cup of vomit in my hands, trying not to seem completely grossed out and sickened; Saying soothing things like "No problem honey, let's get you cleaned up - Do you need some water to rinse out your mouth?"

So Thanks, Karma. Thanks for reminding me that you will send the flu to my child on the morning of my first hangover in some time. Lesson Learned. Loud and Clear.

16 Baleful Regards:

Anonymous said...

Oh my god, yes.If this happens to you at BlogHer I will put you gently in the bathroom with your face pressed up against the cool tile on the bathroom floor, with a towel to keep you warm, of course. Then I will make you drink Pedialyte which is a sure-fire drunken/hangover cure. It will make you feel right as rain and live to drink the Merlot another day.

Julie Marsh said...

I swear I'm not laughing AT you. I'm just laughing NEAR you.

The picture, the stream of Merlot, the shower incident. And poor Emily.

I do suppose that I ought to throw some sympathy Terrance's way too, as he had to handle the two of you. But perhaps this is just Karma's way of addressing the whole ball icing business.

Anonymous said...

LOL! Like Julie, I'm not laughing AT you -- just laughing NEAR you.

That Mom role just comes to take over your life at the most inopportune times. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my kids for anything -- but wouldn't it be nice for once to wallow in the hangover? ;-)

That Karma, such a trickster...

Cindylou said...

Maybe (yeah right) I screwed up in not hooking up with Patrick, who is as he told me "happily married" and "not lookingto cross any lines"

I have news for him, if you are trying to pick up a married woman in a bar you are not that happily married!

And personally I don't see anything wrong with that picture of the badn, that's what they looked like!

Anonymous said...

Oh wow. Just wow. That sounds like my sister's correlative theory between the number of drinks you have with the number of times your baby is bound to wake up in the middle of the night.

I'll offer a similar cure to TB's: Drop an Alka-Seltzer Cold & Flu into a bottle of Gatorade (I likey the Riptide Rush flavor). Drink FAST.

Anonymous said...

Yep. I have to agree. That is bad karma and I'm sure it's bound to happen to me. Sounds like you had fun - and I love the perky boob analogy! LOL...

Sugarmama said...

Right on, Madge--totally right theory. Sorry about Emily being sick, and hope she's feeling better. And you didn't barf as a result? Impressive!

Anonymous said...

Merlot yer the devil, yer leadin' me astray!

sweatpantsmom said...

I'd say this is the Gods speaking, urging you to jump on this amazing opportunity to invent the Portable Vomitorium.

Just think, can be used by drunk adults and flu-ridden children alike, and folds into a neat little purse-pack.

I'll take ten.

mamatulip said...

I started alternating between laughing and snorting here:

"I think I actually felt my boobs return to their pre-child perkiness while engaged in this adult behavior."

...and I didn't stop 'till just now.

Um, I mean...(((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

the puking means it's working.

or if you hadn't, you *could* say that the terrorists win.

either way, well done.

(and welcome to my world).

The Puker.

Table4Five said...

tb sounds like the perfect roommate! Sounds like so much fun.

Hey, did you know that Merlot is the secret ingredient in my spaghetti sauce?

Hope it wasn't anything serious with Emily and that she's feeling better.

Dawn said...

Did I mention that I also got my period that morning?

Diana said...

Let's kick Karma's ass, she's always kicking ours!!!
Have you patented the vomitorium? I'll probably buy some, because Karma will kick our asses if we don't get one in our house. :D

halloweenlover said...

OH NOOOO, I am dying laughing. The vomit in the cupped hands, though, that was too much. Blehhh.

Will said...

"I think I actually felt my boobs return to their pre-child perkiness while engaged in this adult behavior."

I almost spit out my drink when I read that. Too funny.

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