I recently started looking at my Spam email. I am not sure Why exactly, except that I noticed the Spam folder had grown by 200+ in one day and was curious about the flood of offers that I was not taking full advantage of by not reading these pressing missives.
So, this is what my Spam says about me:
1. I am very Ill
Why else would William and Gilbert be so concerned about my health and their ability to be my "cureall". Apparently, they have heard that I am not "full of health". They are also concerned about my ability to locate the drugs I may need here in Canada, so want me to know that were I to "click here" I would be whisked to the virtual "pharamcy" of my choice. William, in particular, wants me to know that he cures "any desease".
My confidence is slightly diminished by his poor spelling.
2. I am Heavily in Debt
The jig is up. Leo and Armando want me to be completely debt free. They CRAVE my debt free status. I am insulting their manhood by continuing to live my heathen life of deficit spending. What do they have to do to get me to come to the other side???
3. I want better sex!!!!
There is a multi pronged approach with this (ha-ha, a pun) Walter, Jackie, Cleon, Stephen, Ralph, Reginald, Peter, Artur, Phillip, Ingvar and another Walter want me to know that they know I want better sex. The have the right drug to make me happy. However, it seems that this must be an erectile dysfuction drug known on the streets as "Vragra", "V1gr@" or "love pi11". Also, Jackie adds that "Pleasure shouldn't end fast. Proove her that you love her forever!"
While I applaud Jackie on the sentiment and agree that it shouldn't end "fast"...let's be honest. Forever is a mighty long time and I got shit to do, Jackie.
4. I am lacking in computer software.
Aidan, Ingebord, Phillip, and Kristopher have what I need. Which is OEM software. And look, they've uploaded it for me. How kind.
5. I have alot of money laying around that needs to be invested.
Why else would Morton, Lavonne, Jessie,Francine, Alexis, Stan, Imelda, Bret,DeeDee and Misty be in such a tither about Nanotechnology? Perhaps they should get with the "V1agr@" folks. Sounds like their product could do well in the other market. It isn't the size but the motion of the ocean, right?
6. I have a Penis.
April wants me to know that I shouldn't be so critical of my lack of penis. With her Penis enlarge patch, I can have the penis of my dreams. She is very concerned about my self esteem. VERY VERY CONCERNED.
7. My Income could be higher!
These folks must not have access to the Investor folks. Qyeyn, Latita and Frank all have ways for me to vastly improve my earning potential. Most of which involve Ebay, or other "New, Unknown, Exciting and HUGE income profession." Well, shit. What am I going to school for? Dude. If I had known about this in high school, I would have saved all this money I spent in college! Wait, does this involve my dressing up as a zoo keeper and giving spankings?
8. I am interested in a "specialized" type of Porn.
Most of which involves
a. Busty Granny's
b. Blonde Transexuals
c. People posing on the toilet
d. Deep throat, specifically Asian women
e. Amateur Teens
f. Anal sex
Really? Wow. There are some fetishes that I have no idea about. Geesh. I need to get out more.
9. I have friends who are waiting to hear from me....Desperately.
Like Brandy and Mui. In the body of their email, I begin to believe that they may be alien geniuses.... I mean, check out these phrases:
"diskette and graduated a a some, believe accurately a scythe snooty a for barely."
"A cargo tornado they are pour grits polar to atom! but Most laughs. suit to dolphin sandwich are prime"
"a stovepipe heart snack remember prime .and grand Indeed,"
"cough the The tornado mating to living dances hydrant. to money a a the a a are conquers. accurately The love judge the toward Indeed, beyond."
Wow. Like an acid trip without the time committment.
10. I'm not sure what these folks need, but it is clearly Something.
Perhaps they are being held captive by Osama, and this is the only way for them to communicate to the outside world.
Jessica seems to be telling a terrifying story about Fred freezing to death...
"warning, dropped into the snow and begged Fred to go on without him. He sound in the room behind her, trying to tell her somethingto warn binder twine served as hinges on the doors and also as latches.herand it was in vain that she tried to shake off their influence.
bath ham a higher order of We collar must find a cave." Already we sculptural could see the blazing green eyes of man than we had as yet seen, source other than Ahm,
was all right, he declared, warm and comfortable, and wanted to rest.Once or twice she caught a glimpse of a black shadow over her shoulder,They gave as a reason for sticking the new part against their ownjust a reflecting vanishing glimpse, and when she turned hastily round
beef the Neanderthal herald the hungry carnivora. I seized a brand dialectal from the fire and
calorie soya bean man.
Youll freeze to death Fred cried. Thats the beginning of it.there was nothing there, but the voices, mocking and gibbering, wereirregularly that they intended to use the alcoves for verandahslouder than ever. "
If you know where Jessica and Fred are, send help.
And the Mysterious "95" sent me a very existential email that was full of Question Marks. As if to ask..."What is the meaning of life, Dawn. Please tell us."
I don't know the meaning, but I got a shit load of snow to shovel in order to get out of the house tomorrow. And my annoying husband is coming to bed.