What my Spam says about me

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

I recently started looking at my Spam email. I am not sure Why exactly, except that I noticed the Spam folder had grown by 200+ in one day and was curious about the flood of offers that I was not taking full advantage of by not reading these pressing missives.

So, this is what my Spam says about me:

1. I am very Ill

Why else would William and Gilbert be so concerned about my health and their ability to be my "cureall". Apparently, they have heard that I am not "full of health". They are also concerned about my ability to locate the drugs I may need here in Canada, so want me to know that were I to "click here" I would be whisked to the virtual "pharamcy" of my choice. William, in particular, wants me to know that he cures "any desease".

My confidence is slightly diminished by his poor spelling.

2. I am Heavily in Debt

The jig is up. Leo and Armando want me to be completely debt free. They CRAVE my debt free status. I am insulting their manhood by continuing to live my heathen life of deficit spending. What do they have to do to get me to come to the other side???

3. I want better sex!!!!

There is a multi pronged approach with this (ha-ha, a pun) Walter, Jackie, Cleon, Stephen, Ralph, Reginald, Peter, Artur, Phillip, Ingvar and another Walter want me to know that they know I want better sex. The have the right drug to make me happy. However, it seems that this must be an erectile dysfuction drug known on the streets as "Vragra", "V1gr@" or "love pi11". Also, Jackie adds that "Pleasure shouldn't end fast. Proove her that you love her forever!"

While I applaud Jackie on the sentiment and agree that it shouldn't end "fast"...let's be honest. Forever is a mighty long time and I got shit to do, Jackie.

4. I am lacking in computer software.

Aidan, Ingebord, Phillip, and Kristopher have what I need. Which is OEM software. And look, they've uploaded it for me. How kind.

5. I have alot of money laying around that needs to be invested.

Why else would Morton, Lavonne, Jessie,Francine, Alexis, Stan, Imelda, Bret,DeeDee and Misty be in such a tither about Nanotechnology? Perhaps they should get with the "V1agr@" folks. Sounds like their product could do well in the other market. It isn't the size but the motion of the ocean, right?

6. I have a Penis.

April wants me to know that I shouldn't be so critical of my lack of penis. With her Penis enlarge patch, I can have the penis of my dreams. She is very concerned about my self esteem. VERY VERY CONCERNED.

7. My Income could be higher!

These folks must not have access to the Investor folks. Qyeyn, Latita and Frank all have ways for me to vastly improve my earning potential. Most of which involve Ebay, or other "New, Unknown, Exciting and HUGE income profession." Well, shit. What am I going to school for? Dude. If I had known about this in high school, I would have saved all this money I spent in college! Wait, does this involve my dressing up as a zoo keeper and giving spankings?

8. I am interested in a "specialized" type of Porn.

Most of which involves
a. Busty Granny's
b. Blonde Transexuals
c. People posing on the toilet
d. Deep throat, specifically Asian women
e. Amateur Teens
f. Anal sex

Really? Wow. There are some fetishes that I have no idea about. Geesh. I need to get out more.

9. I have friends who are waiting to hear from me....Desperately.

Like Brandy and Mui. In the body of their email, I begin to believe that they may be alien geniuses.... I mean, check out these phrases:

"diskette and graduated a a some, believe accurately a scythe snooty a for barely."
"A cargo tornado they are pour grits polar to atom! but Most laughs. suit to dolphin sandwich are prime"
"a stovepipe heart snack remember prime .and grand Indeed,"
"cough the The tornado mating to living dances hydrant. to money a a the a a are conquers. accurately The love judge the toward Indeed, beyond."

Wow. Like an acid trip without the time committment.

10. I'm not sure what these folks need, but it is clearly Something.

Perhaps they are being held captive by Osama, and this is the only way for them to communicate to the outside world.

Jessica seems to be telling a terrifying story about Fred freezing to death...

"warning, dropped into the snow and begged Fred to go on without him. He sound in the room behind her, trying to tell her somethingto warn binder twine served as hinges on the doors and also as latches.herand it was in vain that she tried to shake off their influence.
bath ham a higher order of We collar must find a cave." Already we sculptural could see the blazing green eyes of man than we had as yet seen, source other than Ahm,
was all right, he declared, warm and comfortable, and wanted to rest.Once or twice she caught a glimpse of a black shadow over her shoulder,They gave as a reason for sticking the new part against their ownjust a reflecting vanishing glimpse, and when she turned hastily round
beef the Neanderthal herald the hungry carnivora. I seized a brand dialectal from the fire and  
calorie soya bean man.

Youll freeze to death Fred cried. Thats the beginning of it.there was nothing there, but the voices, mocking and gibbering, wereirregularly that they intended to use the alcoves for verandahslouder than ever. "

If you know where Jessica and Fred are, send help.

And the Mysterious "95" sent me a very existential email that was full of Question Marks. As if to ask..."What is the meaning of life, Dawn. Please tell us."

I don't know the meaning, but I got a shit load of snow to shovel in order to get out of the house tomorrow. And my annoying husband is coming to bed.

16 Baleful Regards:

Mitzi Green said...

i really don't even want to know what my spam says about me. really.

SUEB0B said...

I had no idea I was so interested in Trannys, but my spam says so.

Jaelithe said...

My husband wanted me to mention that you left out the part about how PayPal, eBay and Amazon all need you to resubmit your password and credit card information immediately . . .

Anonymous said...

Hey stranger! I never "see" you anymore. Is it me? *sniffs armpits*


Karen Bodkin said...

I love April. She's such a slut for a big penis. Aren't we all?

Woman with Kids said...

I, too, am sadly lacking a large Pen1s, and I feel this lack right down to my toes. Thank goodness for the spam mail, or I would have never known what I was missing!

Anonymous said...

I had no idea you were into busy grannies. I've got some videos you are going to want to see.

Buffy said...

My penchant says I have a penchant for designer goods and Jesus is trying to talk to me.

carolinagirl79 said...

Why do the spammers send out the nonsense emails? Is it just to get people writing back with real email addresses to ask to be taken off their list?

Lisa said...

I really need to get the info on how I can get a bigger penis and more granny/tranny porn... Send me those links, woman!

(No. Not really.)

MrsFortune said...

Not only do you have a penis, but it probably needs to be bigger, no?

me, I have won a lot of contests I never even entered!

Fraulein N said...

Does spam work? Like, ever? I can't imagine that it does.

I like that Latita admits that this profession she wants you to take up is "Unknown." That's reassuring.

Anonymous said...

I got one the other day entitled "Chomsky"

It was trying to sell me watches.

Judy said...

Give me a break, we all know what a bad baD bAD BAD girl you are. . . And yes, you do need the bigger penis. We all need the bigger penis. G-D DAMMIT, GIVE ME THE BIGGER PENIS, NOW!
Love, Aunt Needy

Anonymous said...

I get the big penis and viagra spam too...But most of my spam makes me aware of an uncle I had in a foreign country whose plane was shot down. He has left an unclained bank account of so many millions of dollars and all I have to do is give some guy my bank account number and he will transfer the money to me....
What does that say about me??

Ann Stirling said...

I laughed so hard at this post! Who is the "calorie soya bean man"? He must be a hardcore dieter.
My spam says that I am obsessed with Duolingo and I really want 20 free iPads.

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