Two sides to every story

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Dawn:
(on cell)
"Okay - I will meet you over at Legal Seafood in a few minutes - Yeah I am in Borders, but I just have to pee so I'm going to hang up and I'll call you when I am done to let you know I am on my way. Jesus! This is a terrible bathroom!"

Now internal dialog of Dawn:

{{{{This is seriously the worst bathroom I have ever been in - Borders must have a contingent of homeless people who LIVE in this bathroom. Bleck. It stinks in here. That person next to me has incredibly ugly shoes. And are they wearing overalls? Who the fuck wears overalls and furthermore - who wears overalls and lets the latches fall onto that disgusting bathroom floor? Dear christ. This bathroom STINKS. Is that a magazine stuck behind the toilet? Seriously??? Who smuggles a magazine into a borders bathroom? I am just going to hang over the toilet and try to pee so I can get out of here as humanly possible. There isn't a place to hang my purse. WTF? Now I have to hang onto my purse and pee, because there is no WAY I am letting my sweet little Matt & Nat bag touch that floor. Phew. Done. I am getting out of here. Just need to wash my hands. Okay. Mirror check. Not bad for the hair, although the rain is making it lose it's mind. Where is the soap dispenser? }}}}

Said out load : "Why is the soap dispenser on the other wall away from the sinks? What kind of design genius did this?"

{{{I mean HONESTLY - who puts soap on the opposite wall from the sinks? Jesus. This is the worst bathroom EVER. I already know there are no paper towels. I am just going to flap my hands and dry them off and then I am wrapping them in my coat cause I am TOTALLY NOT touching the handle on the way out. Yep. Hair looks good. A little lip balm. That person in the stall is still there and not making any noise. I hope she finds some better shoes, cause those SUCK....and all right - ready to go............
Walking out the door - hand with coat out to pull door..............Hey. Whats that? Is that a urinal? Oh my fucking god, it was...}}}}


Imagined Internal dialog of other person in bathroom:


oh my god. who just came into the bathroom? Is she on the phone? fuck. am I in the right place? I am just going to sit here as quietly as possible and hope this is over quickly. I wonder if I am in the right place. Try not to fart. My entire ass has seized up. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

21 Baleful Regards:

coastrat said...

Hilarious! I was in a bathroom the other evening (the correct one :)) that sounds like the one you were in, but it was a oriental restaurant, rather than a bookstore. Great post!

theotherbear said...

I just almost wet my pants laughing at that. Fabulous.

Jennifer said...

Um, yeah, so been there! LOL

It's WAY funnier reading about someone else doing it!

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

This must be why we get our own bathrooms.

MarciaAnn said...

OMG Dawn, I thought I was the only one who did such things!

=^. .^= said...

LMAO

Photography By Shay said...

Oh, I love it. LMAO. and yes, I can totally relate.

Mitzi Green said...

note to dawn: you want the room that has a picture of a little person in a skirt on the door. the person with 2 legs NOT poking out of a triangle is male. yes, i am aware you, too, have legs and it IS rather sexist of them to assume we all still wear a-line skirts, but this has proven (so far) to be the simplest way to convey the message to non-english speakers and illiterate alike. remember--THE ONE WITH THE SKIRT.

Woman with kids said...

*snort* You are too funny... that poor guy, his behind probably froze like that, all clenched up, scared he was going to get arrested for being a pervert in the women's room and of course it would happen on laundry day when he's wearing the only thing clean - the stupid overalls.

Or at least, that's what I'd be thinking.

gurukarm said...

hahahahahah! you are not alone, girl!

The building I used to work in had six floors, with bathrooms on each end of each floor. But on each floor they alternated - mens at north end on floor two, womens at north end on floor three, etc. Took me awhile to glom onto that alternating thing and remember to actually LOOK at the sign before entering. Hah!

velocibadgergirl said...

BWAHAHAHAHA!!

Hilarious! That poor man! :D

Jaelithe said...

Oh, dude, I almost walked into a Men's room at a restaurant myself ON THE SAME DAY that you posted this. Luckily I caught myself before I actually went all the way through the door, which was good, because I had my son with me (I was taking HIM to the bathroom) and although he actually belongs in the boy's room, I imagine it would have been just that much more embarrassing to have done this in front of the kid.

I am however taking my near-miss as evidence that you really are supposed to the big sister I never had. So I guess I need to move to Canada . . .

Catizhere said...

HAHAHAHAHA! No, really. *WITH* you.

I have this part-time gig where I work for a cleaning agency. Last wednesday night I walk in the LADIES room(where the supplies are stashed) and the Night shift guy is in the stall. I think I was more embarassed than he was.

He says that the men's room is too gross for him to use. That statement did not bode well for
me in the Men's room that night.
I swear, those guys must have been raised by wolves.

The Other Mrs. B said...

The question is, why were you so distracted in the first place? Must have been one heck of a friend you were talking to...:-)

Anonymous said...

Wow, suddenly the dirty floor and bad shoes and out-of-date overalls make sense!

Excellent writing!

Anonymous said...

Well, now you know why that magazine was in the stall, propped up (I am assuming) behind the toilet.

I used to work at Borders, and I never in my wildest imagination (I was twenty, yeah) thought that any man would get turned on by jerking off to photography magazines in a public restroom. But was htere ever a night when we didn't find them in there? If there was, I can't remember.

Anonymous said...

Find the *magazines* in there, ahem. I never caught a perp.

Thank God.

Anonymous said...

My first thought was, "Only my niece... ." Then I thought, "hey, don't judge the rube in the stall next to you, it could turn out to be your overall-wearing Aunt from West Virginia who has to wear crappy looking shoes in order to walk." Love, Aunt Needy

AA said...

Thanks for a great laugh.

Bobita~ said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, fuck! This was funny!! :)

jill.prettyman said...

OK I am really having fun ready your blog, I think I need to add you to my reading list

 
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